Is this Real?....

Tiffh19

Hello, I am a 30 year old women that partner was diagnosed with stage 4 neuroendocrine cancer in the lungs. My story is very complicated or should I say unique...? So, I will do the best I to explain my situation. I dated a man for about two years prior to his diagnoses. The relationship was not healthy for neither one of us. We ended things near Christmas time year 21. Cold Turkey type of cut-off. Nothing was settled between the both of us. Coming march the following year i am told that he has cancer. ( which I thought was another lie to get me to talk to him) WHICH IT WASNT. To give a quick summary we started speaking to each other and I started to become a part of his life again. While being by his side through the chemotherapy, immunotherapy, and radiation appts I have dedicated myself to being by his side.

We went through many phases of denial, depression, sadness, etc etc. While going through emotional changes we are still dealing with the medication changes along with new cases of seizures and much more. I have supported him with making sure he is close with his friends and family during these times. However i feel that the time I need with him is being taken away, not once, not twice, but all the time. I have tried to talk to him but it has caused nothing more than arguments and disrespectful exchange of words to each other. It causes me to regret and get hard on myself afterwards because he is going through SOOO much and I just "lost my cool". I go through so many emotional issues that I'm hopeless and to be honest completely lost.

Currently, he isn't doing to well.....and I'm starting to freak. Its like I know the cancer is taking over and he won't be here as long as expected, however I feel my emotions building up to explode in the wrong way because when we spend time together its never memories that want to be remembered. After Adapting my life the way I did quickly (mind you I already left the toxic relationship to be by his side during this time he gives me no acknowledgment towards any of it. We live about a hour away from each other and with me working two jobs ,all alone is disregarded by him. ( I think to myself "What do you want me to do ? Add more hours in the day or just not sleep"?) He likes to tell me that I don't follow through with coming to see him (FYI I spend every weekend and at least 2 days out the week with him. Cleaning, organizing, helping w/ doc appt, running errands, and helping him with mobility etc etc) , and when we argue as such all it does is bring back the toxic lifestyle I left a year ago. Am I stuck?, I don't know what to do, how to think, or feel because it's all over the place. I love this man no matter what toxic energy I have experienced. I love him and want him to just be happy, comfortable and peaceful. Its seems not possible.

Can anyone relate? Am I the ignorant one for coming back around? I don't have the heart to know someone I love and care for has cancer and not be there for him. And it was like he was battling the cancer (UNKNOWINGLY) while we were together. I feel like I have been part of the hole journey and my heart gets heavy when I think of not saying goodbye to him. Not making sure he's happy and ok with leaving us. I just want advise, suggestions, lol referrals ( THERAPY) anything to help me get through this the best way possible.

P.S I did seek professional help to guide me through this life journey, But I am missing real advise. Thank you for taking your time to hear my story.

MGMidget1976

Tiff...

yes I've been there. I hate to say it but here it is in a nutshell...

This is your life, but this is his death. All that you are feeling is raw and real. But this isn't about you.

Find a way to rally and rise above. Don't let your last memories be of pain and anger, they will follow u through eternity.

None of us will truly understand how they really feel... so the best we all can do is find a way to give them a good death if there is such a thing.

Being a caregiver is unbelievably difficult... but you'll find the strength.

Good luck to you.

stagg27

Get a social worker involved. Can help with lots of issues you are experiencing. Which will help cut back on your list of things to do for him …

main thing you as a caregiver you need to take time out for you get batteries recharged I find going to the beach sitting there watching the waves and a sunset recharges me and just taking deep breaths of the fresh air feel the Sun hit your face in the breeze on your face go out to dinner with friends talk about life not about cancer issues the problem is with cancer life is put on hold and the main focuses on cancer and the treatments.. take him away for the day I found when I took my late husband for a three day weekend at the beach when we left the driveway it was like a big wt was taken off our shoulders . I was his wife again not his nurse we got up early watched the sunrise over the ocean talked about what we wanted to do such as he had never been to the islands . So I got it set up with his chemo and dialysis treatments we have the best times of our lives and when we had our last week together I laid in bed held his hand and we talked about all the good times we had especially the Hawaii trip and our bond strengthened and all the memories we made with the kids. I know how you are feeling. Intense pressure and you feel like you’re juggling plates in the air trying to keep them up in the air without them crashing it’s impossible . Hang in their get a social worker involved to help with some of your things you need to do for him and take time out to live life both of you I find that when you get a cancer people tend to live life for their cancer treatments and forget to experience life and stop and smell the roses 🌹