Husband has kidney cancer has withdrawn from wife

rockergirl Member Posts: 2 Member
edited October 2022 in Kidney Cancer #1

My husband has one kidney and he was hoping to save it by doing 2 cyroplations 6 months apart ,I was there for him for both procedures. We have been married 13 yrs. Ever since July my husband has not been the same. I was very concerned when he decided not to go to his Dr's appointment. So I spoke with one of his family members who he is close with to find out what's going on. She told me that he's slowly dying and that apparently the procedures did not work for him. He has stopped all communication with me for 4 months. We have 1 child together who is in middle school. He doesn't know that I know what's really going on. He has been moody,irritable and he aged 5 years ,it's like being with a stranger. I don't know what to say anymore.

For whatever reason he decided to talk to me which I thought he would tell me about his health but instead he tells me that he stopped talking because of our relationship when I know it's not that. He is suppose to be getting a mri done tomorrow. I think he was going to tell me but then got scared so he changed the subject.

He has been in a very dark place for 4 months, I've never seen him this depressed.

When he's on the phone talking to other people, I over hear him telling others about his health but not to me. He pretends to be fine over the phone but in actuality he's deeply depressed .

I constantly remind him I'm here for him and that I'm not going anywhere. I've been talking to a therapist myself because it's frustrating and heartbreaking to see someone who you vowed to love through the good and bad but,treat you like you don't exist.

He's very miserable. I've been living my own life because he has distanced himself from me .I understand that he's in shock and grieving over his diagnosis and that he wants to focus on himself.

Is this normal for someone to act like this?

Thanks for your suggestions


  • Bay Area Guy
    Bay Area Guy Member Posts: 611 Member

    Hi rockergirl. Sorry you have to be here.

    I don’t think anyone can define a “normal” reaction to what your husband is facing. We all react differently to different situations. About the only common reaction I think we all had, as patients, was the feeling of your stomach dropping out of your body when you either heard the words “You have cancer” or read the diagnosis in an online report from your healthcare provider. Reactions I’ve read range from complete withdrawal to steel determination to beat it and everything in between. Your husband seems to be on the extreme withdrawal end of the reaction spectrum. As to why, anyone’s guess, but if I had to make an educated guess based on your post, he doesn’t want you or the family to worry.

    As to what you can do differ3ntly, I must admit I have no idea.

  • Mmoses25
    Mmoses25 Member Posts: 307 Member

    When I was first told I had cancer my world was trun upside down I didn’t know what to do and I wasn’t listening to my wife I found a support group right here where I could openly talk about my cancer and found out it wasn’t as bad as I thought I’m stage 3 and it’s been clear almost three years now I’m so glad I found this place because I was headed for darkness today I don’t think much about myy you cancer other then I’m going to beat it I hope he finds a place like this where he can talk freely about it I will make sure he’s in my prayers

  • Deanie0916
    Deanie0916 Member Posts: 600 Member

    Hi rockergirl, I'm so sorry for your husband and family. I like Moses suggestion about having him join a support group. This group and smartpatients have helped me so much. You both are in my prayers💕

  • fallonboy
    fallonboy Member Posts: 45 Member


    I had prostate cancer. It was removed and then I had a recurrence. Now I have a cancer in my right kidney.

    I am a US Army veteran. I have an association with several vets with problems like your spouse.

    Here is Florida Medical Marijuana is legal for certain conditions such as cancer. Certain approved doctors can/do prescribe it. I may get some of the edibles at some future date.

    Lots of vets swear MJ helps them.

    Good luck on you

    PS: I think your husband is lucky you are with him.