Just need a motorcycle & a divorce - Anger & Shock, caregiver fatigue

Seattle_expat

I was diagnosed Stage IV prostate cancer in the ER after my primary care & urology docs refused to do a PSA test because I was one year too young. I had bone metastasis from my head to my feet. I was 49. The ER doc was in tears giving me the diagnosis. It’s been six years since then, I had to quit my high paying IT job & move away from my home to get better treatment, and be closer to my wife’s family. Since my teen years I’d always had a project car, something to wrench on & fix $100 at a time. That’s all gone and so is my daily driver, not because we can’t afford it, but because I don’t ‘need’ it. We moved from a house that was relatively new to one that’s 90 years old & everything’s constantly broken. I grew up in a Blue state and now I’m in a Red state nightmare. I’m not allowed to plant, grow, change anything in the yard. My wife (caregiver) makes me sleep in a separate bedroom, and I take care of myself completely, arrange my own Dr. visits. She was a fantastic girlfriend & wife before this happened. Now every conversation is a shouting match, her counselor suggested she push back more which is obviously not helping. I’ve lost everything, everything that was ever important to me. She complains that I’ll die and she won’t know how to do xyz. I haven’t gotten so much as a hug or a handshake in 4+ years, I’m on aggressive therapy so hormones ruined our sex life within a week. At this point, a motorcycle and a divorce sounds terrific. So does living under a bridge someplace warm.

Is it me? Do I just need to suck it up and be cheerful & charming?

Tico14

I'm not in your situation, so can't address your concerns fully, but after my cancer treatment left me not physically what I was pre-cancer, my wife and I argued a lot. While I never wanted to hop on a motorcycle and sleep under a bridge our arguments came to a stop once I realized I was half the problem.

JP63

Wow man, I don't know what to tell you.

The only thing is that probably since this cancer grows slowly, a year's difference finding it earlier with a PSA test ordered by your primary care doctor or urologist would not have made that much of a difference. At least you are treating it now. You never know.

Even sometime people with Gleason 3+3 that get RALP end up with metastasis.

About the other things you described in your post......just wow man.....no comments......

It seems to me that sometimes you never truly know someone until something like this happens.

centralPA

You’ve been heard, @Seattle_expat .

Why do you stay in the marriage? It sounds like you aren’t living, you are waiting.

How goes your treatment?

rsandrew

Wow ..what ever happen to for better or worse, richer or poor, sickness and in health until death do us part. Man where's the honor in those words. Sorry to hear what your going through hang in there and never give up.

Seattle_expat

Oncology has given up & doesn’t recommend a drug trial because I’ve had “so much treatment”. At this point I’m not sure I care much, life isn’t that great anyway. My wife & I have dueling counselors, each blaming the other of us. My wife has the insurance, if I just disappear, she’ll kick me off, so I’m stuck in Ohio, sleeping in the other room. Every night I go to sleep hoping to die in my sleep. I didn’t do this to myself, it’s not my fault, and until recently I’ve been good natured about the whole thing. As soon as the kids all left and we moved, **** slid downhill fast. Now I’m like why bother? What’s the value of any effort? Nothing I do will change the circumstances, and while some guys want to sing kumbaya, I’m still a ways back, dwelling on getting run over 7 years ago. I am not the problem.

centralPA

SE, have you seen palliative care specialists? Without knowing your details, what you write suggests you are in range of that option. I hope I am wrong on that, but if not…

My father recently passed from stage IV kidney cancer. When we shifted to home hospice, life became so much better for him. Focus shifted from the unobtainable cure to living the best life he could. Care extended beyond his well-being to that of the family. It was just better.

I find this line of research very interesting too.

https://news.cuanschutz.edu/news-stories/can-psychedelic-therapy-offer-a-sense-of-peace-for-the-dying#:~:text=Research%20out%20of%20Johns%20Hopkins,%2Dlife%20issues%2C%20Treem%20said.

Clevelandguy

Hi,

So what’s going on with your treatments? Is your PSA stable? What kind of drugs are you on for your Prostate cancer? Don't know how much we can help about your relationship issues.

Dave 3+4

RidgeP

Sir....I would highly suggest that you have a discussion with your physician if you are still taking Lupron....A rare side effect is a somewhat altered mental status. NOTE: Not saying you are nuts, but saying hormones make us who we are and when a strange one is introducted into our bodies, the reactions are different in every individual....Just a suggestion.....

Steve1961

Damn bro sounds like me ..but nit that bad ..my wife and i are just room mates..but we dont argue and hate eachother..but i heard the word KIDS what about your kids ..my kids are my rock ..my son is 5 minutes away daighter bout 15 miles away I have a better relationship with my kids and my wife that would never happen. I mean I can go live at my kids if i had to are you close to your kids? Do your kids know what’s going on? Is it possible for you to just take off and go stay with one of them to me that would be more of a comfort than a motorcycle divorce, and a beer and living under the bridge. Surely they must be worried about you.