Possibly losing our marriage

WTS2006

My wife was diagnosed with Stage IV ovarian cancer with mets to liver and lung 5 years ago. We’re in our 40s with two kids, 8 and 11. The prognosis wasn’t great, but she got into a trial that saved her life. During that time, we moved halfway across the country to be closer to her Dr and the trial. I just wanted to do anything possible to keep her alive. The 2-3 years after we moved were tough. We lost our support system, and I ended up taking on basically everything with the household and family. During this time I was borderline depressed and drank. I got into therapy and have turned the corner, able to handle my anxiety and am trying to be there for my wife fully, emotionally.

The situation is she’s basically said she’s tried and tried, and now that I’ve coming around, it’s too late. She’s agreed to do marriage counseling, but even after one session she said she’s ready to talk about a separation agreement. She’s said she just can’t relax or feel like herself with me anymore. I have very real concerns about how she can take care of herself and our kids (part time) on her own, but she’s made it clear none of that matters. She just has to “save” herself.

in the meantime, it seems like there is possible a budding emotional affair with her ex-boyfriend from high school. He’s married, but both have always admitted there is a deep connection between them (my wife is adamant there’s nothing romantic). We had a very good couple of days before she went to visit her family, had coffee with the Ex, and now we’re back to where we were.

I fully understand that the 2 year period where I became overwhelmed and distanced may have doomed us. We fought, said things we shouldn’t have, and that has made both of us feel like we don’t have a safe space. Her family continues to say I’m her rock, they appreciate everything I’ve done, and are praying we reconcile.

I’m just not even sure what to do at this point. I’ve told her I can be that safe space for her, but she also gets very scared and anxious if she doesn’t have separation as an option. 5 years ago I was worried I’d lose the love of my life to cancer and now it appears it could be divorce. I’m just devastated.

Клаудия

She didn't get rid of you while she was fighting for her life, two years of which you were emotionally absent, not to mention this is probably something for which she secretly blamed herself, but was probably scared witless that you'd be next. So, on that note, I suggest you CONSIDER ALL FACTORS. Many other men are so prone to saying, "she's hormonal again." Then there's its distant cousin, "PMS." If there was ANY time in a woman's life where "hormonal" means anything, it's during cancer. The excess of hormones followed by hormone blockers, has got to have a profound effect on someone's mind, and absent the cancer, there's the cancer treatment. I wouldn't consider divorce at least until she finds her 'safe place.' Hopefully it's you. If you love her, she'll know it. When your body is ailing, so is your mind. When your mind is ailing, so is your body. It's good you stopped drinking when you did, because alcohol is linked to many GI cancers, liver cirrhosis leads to cancer, it's the bitterest pill to swallow. You CAN love someone from a distance, and have that love reciprocated. Find your friendship with her. Don't treat it like you've been 'married for so long,' make the moments before you became intimate, come back again, mind to mind. When she sees her body, she sees the war going on inside, it's the craziest feeling to know something is happening, and nothing she can do about it. The fight she's fighting right now is the fight for her life. Don't derail her while she's on track, just don't give her another fight, because if given any chance to win these fights, chances are you'll lose because at this junction in her life, any control she can be given, will probably result in alienating her. Let her come to you, don't be in "need" of her, be in "love" with her, or not. A lot depends on your actions, and inaction. Put yourself in her shoes. If you had, you might not have turned to alcohol, possibly with other drugs. I'm sure your pain was heartfelt, hers was killing her cell by cell, and two years of which she was more alone than if you HAD left. Don't feel like she's the only one doing any "cheating." You cheated with a bottle. If you both can't seek counselling together, I think you'll gain much wisdom seeing a counsellor ASAP, as it's obvious you're going through much grief, and as the partner who also feels he has no control to fight her enemy, drop that baggage on anyone who will hear you on a professional level. You'll leave the office enlightened, you'll also get the "you" back who's also been affected deeply, my heart weighs for you. Give her ALL the support you can, and appreciate that someone out there is willing to give her that safe place. Considering you have two children, sometimes separating "for the sake of the children," is a good thing. That's part of the CONSIDER ALL FACTORS. They need to get some focus in their lives, and that is impossible when they hear negativity and words back and forth. Focus your attention on them, FOR your wife. Remember, she's STILL your wife. You're in charge of her children. Count your blessings, and DO let the children know you love her. Take the focus off of you, off of your wife, and give your ALL to your children so that they, like their healthy peers, will grow with pride [because your exemplary efforts will be felt] and reciprocated]. Here's your real chance to show your mettle. My prayers are with you all, may you be healthy, safe and cherished

Клаудия

What with Quantum computing now among us, hhhhhh, the breakthroughs in medicine are just right 'round the corner. The guessing game with what medicines to give and for how long, chances of recurrence, it won't be long before cancer finds itself on a shelf with the likes of smallpox. We're well on our to finding a cure for death, period! Well, at least, longevity. If you were given a choice between your wife or your life, which would you pick? The theme I feel, is that it's about you. But it's MORE about her. Which is why you'd be wise to seek counselling. If the children were/are affected, bring 'em along! Praying for you ALL

stagg27

Cancer it’s self is very overwhelming ! I always told my colleges that I worked with when they give the diagnosis they need to get a happy pill because once you hear that word cancer directed to you everyone I don’t care who you are go to the dark side and thinks about death it’s always there in your mind and that’s when the battle starts fighting for your life… cancer is a full time job … I always told my cancer pts don’t live life for the treatments you need to live your life cancer does not define you … when my late husband and I both diagnosed with cancer I always made us a three day weekend at the ocean. When we pulled out of the driveway it was like a heavy wt was lifted off us and we were able to enjoy our selfs and get recharged. Other times I would set up making memories with his kids .. as a caregiver your overwhelmed and feel you can’t do enough!!! U need to take care of yourself!!! Most important!!! . Cancer pts don’t want to talk to their loved ones about what they are really thinking and feeling because they don’t want to burden their loved ones more !!! This is why she might be reaching out to an old friend to help her though her emotions A lot of it has to do with the thought of death which they don’t wanna talk to their loved ones about at least that’s been my experience I was one of those nurses I would go in and give you a pill if you wanted it but I mainly sat there and listened majority of the time they just wanted to talk .. god bless 🌹