Relentless ANGER!!

gizmocat123

Metastatic invasive ductal carcinoma currently stage 3C - so far! Still need bone scan! I read online these "stages" were supposed to go through and eventually we are supposed to arrive at "acceptance" well I'm almost 2 months from diagnosis and I'm not there yet!!! I HATE everything about this!! I hate all the procedures, lies, sugar coating and especially the relentless appointments getting groped by a bunch of strangers!! SICK OF IT!! My poor husband is going to have a break down bc I'm mainly blaming him! I want to refuse treatment take a year have some fun then end it my way on my terms! He won't have any of that! So essentially he's making me go through this living hell and I haven't even started chemo yet!! Logically I just can't see going through this year of hell to end up cut up, sewn back together, sick,bald and probably not able to have sex once the endocrine therapy starts!!! And let's face it surgery is NOT a tummy tuck and boob job! The after pics are pretty hideous for gods sake some don't even look like the surgeon was even trying! I can't afford Angelina Jolie's surgeon thats for damn sure!! The awful side effects of chemo and other drugs?? Permanent side effects as well?? I can't make myself WANT to do this!! I'm trying!!! The ONLY positive I can think of is I'll be alive! But alive doesn't mean able to LIVE! I've thought about packing a bag and running off to go do things my way! At least my husband wouldn't be suffering as much!!!

catlady2

It is totally understandable to be angry and frustrated. I am 3 years out from treatment and still struggle with anger and having to go through treatment. I have no words of wisdom for you other than try to find some to relax and breathe. In the midst of all of this you need to treat yourself kindly. The doctor's goal is to try and rid your body of the cancer. Your husband is probably scared he is going to lose you. But this has to be about what you want and how you feel. A second opinion and talking to other's who had a similar diagnosis might be helpful for you. Take care.

catlady2

Sunny5

I am so sorry about what you are going through! I see your post was in August so I hope you are doing better. No, cancer treatment isn't fun and surgery isn't pretty, but it WILL pass and you will be able to get back to doing the things you love to do. I don't know if you're a believer in God, but I know that I could not have made it if not for His care and the prayers of my friends and family. It's rough. You might want to talk to someone at your treatment center about your feelings and be validated. You have every right to feel angry and worried. I'll be praying for you and please keep us posted on your treatment! Sunny

ljcarnes

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/325502/relentless-anger

I totally understand your anger. I had a mammogram a year ago when I found a lump in my left breast. The radiologist told me it was probably a fibroid and come back in 6 months for repeat mammogram. I had scheduling issues and it took 8 months to get repeat Mano. By then the mass had changed and ended up in my lymph nodes and eventually Mets to the bone. I am under treatment x 6 weeks to see if we can subdue the spread of cancer. I am angry too but not ready to give up life so going to try treatment. I pray you are able to work thru your anger and make good, sound decisions about your life and treatment. Good luck!

jazalea

I get it. It's really hard. How are things for you now?

BrendaNance7

I feel your pain and anger!! I went for a mammogram on Oct 4th. After 2 more mammograms, 3 biopsies, 2 Ultrasounds and 2 MRI's I was finally diagnosed with stage 2B invasive ductal carcinoma in sti on November 18th. I was told I had a 5cm to 7 cm mass. All the doctors' appointments and groping was awful!! Like you I didn't want to have cancer. I didn't want to do radiation or definitely NOT chemo. I went for a second opinion. I really liked the second doctor. He sat and explained everything in detail. I didn't feel as though I was just another paycheck to his pocket. I then did decide to have a full mastectomy on December 14 . I was surprised at how well the surgery went. And after surgery and 3 lymph nodes removed/tested I did not need chemo or radiation. Physically I am healing remarkably well. I have an office job and was back to work in a week - around time off with Holidays. Blessed beyond measure no complications or much pain from surgery. Now emotionally/and mentally was another story. After my surgery I too hated life, I cried constantly, and I am angry with my husband. I started my estrogen therapy a week ago and honestly, I feel better. I am not near as depressed as I was. Everybody is different. Everyone heals different. Everyone deals with life differently. All I can tell you is that YOU matter. YOU know your body. YOU know what is best for YOU. Talk with others, talk with God, get a second opinion whatever YOU need to do to help YOU. Just remember one thing your cancer didn't happen overnight. It has grown, and it will continue to grow. If you don't deal with it soon you are giving cancer a chance to spread further with more complications. Just my opinion. Prayers for you. You are stronger than you think.

Faith Helen

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/325502/relentless-anger

Boy, do I hear you. It sucks. Doctors, endless tests, flat-faced expressionless nurses. Being questioned about potential symptoms and then advised not to get too anxious. You have gotten some bad news for sure, and, you are still here. That's also a fact. And your anger is here too, like a 'beast'. It also sounds like you love your husband and he loves you..and that is just wonderful, you know. I hope you can start to carve out strength, calm and peace for yourself in the midst of all the medical stuff. As I've said to doctors since my diagnosis in 2016, I've been getting WAY more medical care than I ever wanted to. No offense doc.

Peace and blessings!

Blackqueen431979

I got diagnosed last year and it's hard going through it. I pray alot for complete healing. Stay strong you are in my prayers 🙏

Widdershins3

I'm so sorry. They don't really warn us enough about the ups and downs on the way to "acceptance," do they? I strongly recommend that you talk to your oncologist about the emotions/conflicts you're suffering through and and ask for more (much more!) attention on them. If you don't get satisfaction from them, then perhaps talk to a palliative care doctor. There are many ways to treat depression/anxiety and anger and still be mindful of possible medication interference with chemo drugs and/or treatments.

At chemo, I was surprised to hear how many other patients were on a hormonal rollercoaster and compared it to "killer PMS" with all its temper fluctuations and tears. The good news was that the chemo nurses were listening and got those people help. It was different for different people--a couple got therapy too--but all reported improvements in just a few weeks on hormones or meds.

I wanted to hug those women when I realized what they were going through on top of the cancer and the chemo. I send you a hug and urge you to ask about treatment for it and follow-up if necessary. You're up against enough without this too. And it will likely make it much easier to solve the marital strife when you've regained your calm and can put all that energy into figuring out what you truly do want and then pursuing it. Best of luck.