How to survive?

louiseb

Hi there! I was diagnosed with 3B cervical cancer when I was 26, and went through some aggressive treatment (and some detours), but was ultimately in remission a couple of years later. I'm 37 now, and realizing that there is so much I didn't really deal with in that process, emotionally. It really felt to me that once I was pronounced to be in remission that everyone around me just wanted to move on -- they wanted to be done with it, and for me to be just happy to be alive, which made me feel like there was no space to really talk about or deal with all of what had happened to me. So I sort of locked it away, or tried to forget about it. And I guess my question is -- did this happen to anyone else? Any other survivors who experienced that sense of loneliness after you "survived", or felt like the people around you just wanted you to stop talking about it?

iwanttoenjoylife

I feel that when I was undergoing treatment I was busy dealing with all the problems associated with chemo that I too did not deal with the emotional aspects. It was probably because I did not know if I would survive. Now that I have survived and at first happy to be alive but surviving with all these “side effects” does get me depressed most times. I too tried to pretend cancer never happened, pretended to be someone else. Now I feel so lonely also, I feel like I want to hide and disappear. So you are not alone in your thoughts. I just started therapy it seems to help. Best wishes to you.

louiseb

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1697843#Comment_1697843

Thanks for sharing that. I just started therapy as well -- :-) It was actually my therapist who recommended that I try to find a place like this to try to connect with others who can understand what I went through. I'm sad that you also had a similar experience, but truthfully, I'm glad to not be alone in some of this. I'm glad to be alive, but I have felt like I never really became "me" again, post-cancer. And that's probably normal -- I'm a new me, because of course cancer changed me. But, I think I've struggled to make a self, and a life, that feels completely comfortable, or like I'm "home" in myself or in any particular place. If that makes sense?

iwanttoenjoylife

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1697850#Comment_1697850

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1697850#Comment_1697850

It is almost like you are typing my thoughts.

louiseb

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1697851#Comment_1697851

Why do you think it feels that way -- as though there's no "home" anymore, as though there's no "new normal"? Have you found anything that helps?

iwanttoenjoylife

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1697852#Comment_1697852

I am unsure of anything, so I don’t know any answers to the “why” . People at work told me this is the new normal. I don’t know, with more understanding comes more confusion. I have been reading on Chemobrain, maybe that has a little to do with it. My therapy helps with me trying to reconnect with my wife, but not as much with my doom and gloom, but I do want to be a better husband. I felt and again it is how I felt, not how it actually was, that my wife did not care how I was feeling during treatment. I know she did and does love me, and I feel so guilty for feeling that way. She is the love of my life and she sat with me for almost all of my rounds of infusion. In daily life I have cramping burning and stabbing pains, that my doctors can’t find why, that remind me I am not well. This does not help for when I hit a speed bump in life, such as a disagreement with my kid or wife or even something trivial like the dog having an accident, those trigger my depression. It is like everything has to be perfect for me to have just an OK day. Oh well, enough of my rant, but that is why I came here. Best wishes.

louiseb

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1697853#Comment_1697853

That sense of everything having to be perfect to feel "okay" -- I feel that deeply! I think sometimes it's because anything that isn't sets of a sense of anxiety in me (maybe from the "doom and gloom" you were mentioning? which I also find super resonant). I don't know if this is helpful at all, but I also have guilt or sort of "should haves" about my cancer experience, and I've been really trying to re-focus myself on remembering that I did the best I could/I'm doing the best I can. Basically, I've been trying to give myself more acceptance and understanding, which is truthfully a moment-by-moment process of coming down hard on myself, then repeating these types of counter-thoughts, and then just doing it again and again and again all day long. But, the exercise has been helping me deal with some of the guilt, and anxiety and general negative emotion around the whole thing. Be well.

iwanttoenjoylife

I stopped pretending that I am a healthy person and have taken more control of my cancer treatment. I have made an appointment with my oncologist to address my pains and be a little more authoritative. My PET scans have lymph nodes with FDG activity that the doctors have said are unchanged but I think maybe that is what is causing my pain. I will push for biopsies and also ready to change oncologist if needed.