The tough side of childhood cancer

fanninga10

Hello all, I'm new here. I was diagnosed with neuroblastoma when I was 4 months old and am now 21. I was very lucky they found my tumor, most nurses could not feel it. I feel proud and lucky to be a cancer survivor. But, I've had a lot of challenges growing up. One of my main challenges is not remembering the experience at all. I remember all of my yearly check-ups since, but nothing from the actual time. This makes me feel guilty for my anxiety and depression from it since others actually remember the experience. Is there anybody out there that has a similar battle in their head?

Kate_OC

Definitely. I had it prolly when or shortly after I was born, but it took the doctors 13 months to get over their sexism and take my Mom serious when she told them something was seriously wrong with me.... it was stage 4 by the time the egg sized lump on my neck made it so they couldn't blame "new mother jitters" or "cat scratch fever".....

Still, even at that age, I don't have memories I can pin to that experience with clarity, though I certainly have some weird memories and weirder reactions in hospitals (NEVER give me Valium and then take me to an OR.....I flip the f**** out....) But yeah, I do remember the aftermath - weird scans, elaborate tests ...doctors telling me I'd die young because the chemo would cause more cancer... oh, and always having to pinch pennies thanks to the debt incurred...that despite my family being on a supposedly decent insurance policy through my Dad's work. "Customary and Reasonable"....as determined by a gaggle of blitzed Gordon Gecko inspired CEOs at a Wolf of Wallstreet Style party.....

Beyond the semi-tangible, tho, there is definitely a sense of survivors guilt with a side of imposter syndrome... folks talk of their horrid experiences and I'm like.... uh.... well, I have some gnarly scars??? It And when tempted to grumble about the issues I do have, I feel guilty... after all, I survived and am more or less in one piece! Most kids I knew in the ward can't say the same....

And that...that leads to the worst aspect for me: the sense that i must be alive for a reason; that I must have some grand purpose! ....but heck if I know what it is! I'm good at a lot of things, but excel at nothing in particular...and while ambitious in spirit, I just don't have the energy to pursue a goal even if I could figure out what or where it is.... So, ultimately, I'm forever torn between feeling like I need to Do Something....and not seeing the point. And hey, in my defense, it is really hard to give a f**** when you half expect the cancer or chemo to come back and kill you at any time; when you know how fragile life is and feel like you are on borrowed, even stolen time... It leaves me with this bad feeling that the minute I DO finally find my calling, find love, find happiness...that is when the Reaper will come back for that dance he owes me. ....the guy is a bloody tease with a terrible sense of timing, after all.