Embracing death, coming clean about the cause, and other thoughts

swimbody

During my cancer treatment, the whole time I was very positive and quite upbeat. I still am today although I have been humbled by this experience and the big word that keeps broadcasting across my mind is the word SOFT. I've always been an intense person, type A, division 1 athlete, all about accolades and more accolades. I would sit in traffic here in Houston and as a white male would shake my head at absolutely everything around me in traffic and while ordering food and while pumping gas etc etc. It was such a miserable existence to be me. I was also an alcoholic who drank almost every single day since I was 24 years old and had hung up my athlete days. I was truly angry at the world and just really hated the person I had become. Then in December of 2020 I tackled my inner demon and since then I have tried to soften my viewpoints, my opinions, judgments, etc. Only cancer could be successful in hitting me hard enough with a big enough bat to change.

Because of my childhood sexual trauma, I was looking for something that would quiet the voices of shame and guilt in my head. Alcohol was wonderful for doing that but little did I know that I carried the genetic tendency to not just drink one or two drinks at a time. I now know looking back on the last 30 years of my life that my alcoholism greatly contributed to the HPV activating in my system to give me cancer in my throat. I don't know how many of you have come to this realization, but I can't help but think that there are probably going to be millions of people who never develop throat cancer yet contracted HPV when they were young. This is probably due to them never smoking or drinking or eating poorly.

I think I have also told you about my intense spirituality. I have been in and out of spiritual practice for the same amount of time that I was drinking. It almost seems like the spirituality was there as a sideline coach trying to beg me to not drink so much. I've never been afraid of death and I know I've also said that as well. Working with veterans who have very serious suicidal tendencies due to PTSD has really taught me about the unbelievable world of angels and spirits that surround us. I wonder how many of you, while getting treatment, were never afraid of death? I have never been afraid of it and I can't really explain why I feel this way other than I left my body in 1995 and was embraced in what I thought was the most intense golden light of unconditional love I've ever experienced.

I know that Crystal is facing the end of this particular human existence. I appreciate you guys posting for her and I hope that she is in as little pain as possible. That being said, I know that this particular board on the Cancer Survivor's Network is not particularly busy. It's strange but I keep seeing millions of people in my head being affected by this particular line of cancer, especially with an uptick in increased alcoholism due to the pandemic and isolation.

I have been a student of so many spiritual teachers via books that they have written. I have always been drawn to the yogis and, specifically, Hindu and ayurvedic philosophies of life. I just am about halfway through Sadhguru's Inner Engineering which is available digitally and of course on Audible as an audiobook. There are so many things I have read over the last 30 years and each time I read a spiritual book it is a review of the previous books. It's almost like I am following a trail of treats that will lead me to some sort of understanding. I highly recommend this book along with the Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda. If you are getting treatment or you are facing treatment and you can listen to something whether it's receiving chemo or driving to and from to get treatment for radiation I highly recommend these two tomes.

Also, if you are interested, there have been some phenomenal research studies concerning the fear of death and the usage of psilocybin. I have extensive knowledge in this realm and will be happy to answer any questions should you be somebody who is absolutely terrified of losing their egoic construct. We are about 1 and 1/2 years away from magic mushrooms being legal and reclassified from their Schedule 1 designator but you can find them anywhere you live on earth and you can find a qualified facilitator to help you through a couple of sessions. I highly, no, strongly, recommend this.

When I met all of my doctors at MD Anderson, the first thing out of my mouth was "I am not afraid of death so don't sugarcoat anything with me." I don't know if they did or not lol. I'm pretty sure they've heard absolutely everything and what I said did not surprise them. I'm just trying to be a realist here as I had a pretty gnarly tumor on my left tonsil that was 95% removed and a lymph node that was very inflamed and both contains squamous cell carcinoma. According to the PET scan, they could see remnants of this cancer around the tonsil area, and a little bit that was outside of the first lymph node they removed. Obviously the cancer was on the move so hopefully the radiation and chemo did its job. When I look at the stage 3 to stage 4 designator it gives me somewhere between 47 and 25% chance of survival. I wonder, however, how your strong life force, your treatment of your body, genetics, eating habits, etc, play into that number of survivability?

I started reading Inner Engineering because I was intuitively being guided towards it. I have written off alcohol as I now see it as a poison that promoted development of cancer inside my body. I will never smoke anything ever again. I quit smoking about 12 years ago which was a short-lived endeavor. A friend of mine who is 3 and 1/2 weeks ahead of me with the same condition as I is drinking voraciously just like nothing ever happened to him. I wonder how many of you completely changed your life and changed your habits that were leading to disease? I would love to hear the stories of how this encounter with cancer taught you lessons you were too stubborn to learn without it?

What wonderful stories do you have about your life change after what you had to endure with treatment? I love all of you so very much. Even though we have never met, we are all connected and all going through life on this planet at an unbelievable time of strife and pain. I was just at work today daydreaming about everything and the suffering we all brought upon ourselves. Our small community here is a great resource for comfort. I love reading all of your stories. Keep them coming.

Stephie75

I just wanted to let you know here publicly that I have read this beautiful post about yourself. I am willing to share a little more about myself because you had the strength to do so. I would have just kept quiet until I had a proper reply prepared, but I wanted to reply now to let you know I have read this and it has not gone unseen, I have quite a bit of a lot in common with you. I prefer not to share a lot about myself with people I don't really know, but yes all of us here have a common thread. I feel I am the female mirror image of you. I also feel this can apply to a lot of people, but most people do not feel comfortable sharing those aspects of their lives.

What you have written applies to a lot of people who have never gotten cancer.

I would like to ask about a couple of things you have written about, but considering it is personal and I am not quite sure what you are referring to exactly, I will send you a PM.

You made me think a lot with your post. This post nailed it and was just one of the best things I've read in quite a while. This came from the heart, and I am so thankful I've been lucky enough to meet you. You have changed my life and I want you to know that.

Thank You,

Stephanie

motorcycleguy

Swim,

I always say that Cancer is a quick look down the shotgun barrel of one's own mortality. It's a vivid reminder, to remember what's truly important in your life!

Have a great day, bud!

MG

wbcgaruss

Graham thanks for your story of how an evil thing like cancer can produce good in the end. The Bible tells us about these things, how things that happen to us we can only see the trouble and sorrow and pain but God is watching over us and he uses some bad situations for good. Such is the story of Joseph. In the end, he recognized God's hand in his life and said “You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good” (Genesis 50:20)

It appears in your case cancer has threatened your life and changed it and saved it at the same time from destructive behavior. Congratulation to you. I hope this turning point in your life continues and you are a help and a blessing to many others.

While you are doing a lot of reading and searching I would like to suggest to you to look to the Bible I believe many recommend someone new to the Bible start with the Gospel of John in the New Testament. The Bible makes it so easy, there is only one path no need to do a lot of searching.

So Wishing You The Best for continued recovery and many clear scans and NED's ahead.

Take Care-God Bless-Russ

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jim108

Swim,

Thanks for being so open. I too have a history of childhood sexual assault resulting in PTSD. I completed prolonged exposure therapy a few years ago and it was one of the most difficult things I had ever done until now. I also was involved in a hindu spiritual group that turned out to be a cult, left that group but am still connected to the basic principles and the chanting. I love the chanting. (I listened to a krishna das chant during my radiation and the techs got into it too).

Peace,

Jim