angry patient=husband

FrancisB
FrancisB Member Posts: 2 Member
edited June 2022 in Caregivers #1

Vent:

I am so OVER being treated like dirt by my husband who has cancer. I do , and have done, everything in my power to make life as good as it can be for him, but it's never good enough. All he does is complain, yell, scream, curse etc. It's getting more and more ugly by the day to the point where I can hardly eat and start shaking the moment he walks in the house......

And then the need to always be in the center of all attention. Our kids and grandkids don't even come home anymore because my husband demands everyone's attention. NOBODY else can get a word in . 

When we go to a social function he dominates every conversation and people cant get away from him. 

Its a nightmare. 

There is no support group for me within reasonable distance , and every day I can't wait for the day to be over with.

Comments

  • Peace_C_KR
    Peace_C_KR Member Posts: 4 Member
    #2

    I am so sorry for your experience as a caregiver… I can relate! Different from your hubby, mine doesn’t engage. Then I get to be the one to deal with the anger and all that comes. My heart hurts….

  • FrancisB
    FrancisB Member Posts: 2 Member
    #3
    https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1696909#Comment_1696909

    That can't be easy for you. Its hard to see/feel someone you love shutting you out.

    I understand it must be very difficult to have to come to terms with a cancer diagnosis, but caregivers and partners hurt just as much but in a different way.

    What gets me at times everyone always wants to knpw how HE is doing..... Nobody really even thinks to ask about me. Oh well.

    My conclusion after more than a year of this is to find something to do that really occpies my mind and time.

  • Peace_C_KR
    Peace_C_KR Member Posts: 4 Member
    #5

    Hi Laurie_T,

    Sometimes I have to reread the posts because it seems as if maybe written by me … similarities amongst us all I guess. How in the world is your farm operating through all of this!? I cannot imagine having that on top of it all- for either of you. While I do not farm, grew up around it and helped out friends. Ugh… I do not think that my husband can grasp that many people live with cancer for years. Fighting. He just has had a hard time processing and accepting that immunotherapy is a recommended part of his treatment. Opdivo for 1 year…. I am hoping he will be one who has little/ no side effects. Somehow, regardless of what the experts say, I have a hard time thinking that is likely to be the case. The numbers say it is absolutely worthwhile. Praying for the best….I think we can all understand that anger in the gamut of emotions is pretty normal. Even not dealing with the anger and frustration in the best way can be understood and forgiven. That said, a heartfelt apology can go a long way. I appreciate the validation you have given and the wisdom you have shared. This can be such a roller coaster……Hang. In there and hang on😊❤️.

  • emily_maynard11
    emily_maynard11 Member Posts: 5 Member
    #6

    Hi,

    I'm sorry you are going through what you are and you are in my prayers. I take care of my mom, and normally she isn't angry, rather she is on steroids to help with inflammation( this is her second go around and the current mass is in a lymph node and is pressing on her vena cava) and breathing and they make her very depressed and make her very weepy, which the Dr. says is normal. However we have gotten in to an argument. A lot of cancer patients tend to feel like no one understands them or understands how they are feeling and the overwhelming emotions come out as anger. Your emotions are valid. So are his. However, he needs to learn that he can not treat others badly just because he is angry at the situation, or at the way things are going or anything like that. He has to understand that you need to be a team and that instead of handling his emotions in a healthy way, he is pushing those that love him away. There comes a time when you have to draw the line on people hurting you. It may be best to see if maybe the dr can get him in to see a therapist so that he can talk things out and they can discover why he feels the way he does and why he is so angry. You are in my thoughts and prayers! Hang on! Things will get better!

  • ForMymgus
    ForMymgus Member Posts: 2 Member
    #7

    Hi fellow caregivers. I just caught this thread and simply had to offer my two cents. I realize these comments and the original poster shared their feelings a while back but sometimes reaching out into cyberspace here and there helps. If anyone is interested in catching a glimpse into my personal goings on, I shared a bit of it in my "About Me" section of my profile.

    In a nutshell, my husband is in an almost 5-year remission from Non-Hodgkin's Diffuse Large B Cell Lymphoma, Stage IV. He's doing well. THANK you know who!!!!

    BUT . . .

    I've been having a few disturbing symptoms that no one seems interested in diagnosing . . . all "normal" "abnormal". It's beyond frustrating!

    Through my husband's cancer (and for years prior, as he's had a number of really terrifying health problems), I was always the one everyone looked at whenever there was a yard that needed mowing, snow that needed shoveling, meals that needed cooking, stomach injections that needed to be administered, linens that needed layering, laundering and changing in the middle of the night . . . I'm sure most of you know the drill. Admittedly, ever since we met I was never one to speak up about a thing . . . to him, to the kids, to the doctors . . . I was always the one everyone told to be "positive" and thought I just should keep all the fear, anger, etc. under my hat as I didn't want to be labeled the "negative", always the pushy (*$%tchy) you know what.

    But, when he was diagnosed in 2018 with "the beast", I just couldn't sit still and take it anymore. After years of begging, pushing and pleading for more to be done for him, I morphed into the two-headed shrew I am today. Even he seldom said a word about how he was feeling, or what he was thinking about a second of it. Not even cancer could pull any of it out of him. I thought, "Geesh! If even cancer intruding in our lives didn't do it, nothing would." So, I (once again) did all the internet surfing for relief from mouth sores, nausea . . . . and all the rest. We both were desperately trying to hang onto our full-time jobs at the time (now since retired) and had to deal with all the sad or resentful looks from everyone. It has spanned the course of almost 15 years now and I am POOPED!!!!

    With all my own challenges (a forever MGUS nobody), and a number of what appears to be a few neurological, back-related issues . . . I feel even more alone than I ever have. Who is around now to ask, "Do you need anything?", "What can I do?" . . . Things are better between us, but we are struggling with the toll all these years of health-related problems have taken. There is a part of me that remains exhausted, isolated and just plain "Used" . . . "USED" by all involved and I (for whatever reason) have to all but beg for a pillow "fluff" in a procedure room or a look besides the customary "It's all in your head" look everyone around gives me whenever I all but collapse from the heat or for no other apparent reason.

    If I sound resentful . . . it's because I am and there has never been an apology offered or an explanation for a second of it from any of the medical "professionals" were sent to. Yes, our own drama added to the horror which they couldn't fix for us, but a simple "We're sorry, should have looked into that more" would have eased the burden by leaps and bounds.

    I realize this is a whole lot of "blah, blah, blah" and some of you may be reading this, thinking, what a "witch", self-pitying ogre who can't think of anyone but herself. But those folks, I've come to realize, are the folks who themselves can't put themselves in my shoes and taken the time it would take to understand it all.

    I'll shut up for now, I guess, but not without throwing in this next sob story.

    Shortly before this all began with my husband, our youngest daughter was engaged and her wedding a year later was almost spent with either no one or myself walking her down the aisle because the doctors we were seeing missed a case of Hep C in my husband that landed him in the ICU just a mere week and a half before her wedding. For nearly a year, he was misdiagnosed and his condition was completely underestimated; not to mention a repeat of that in 2017 when his lymphoma rash was explained as a fungal infection for a year before he was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer.

    The point in this verbose post? Caregivers everywhere . . . DON'T GIVE UP ON THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE!!!! Fight for them with everything you have and if the person stricken with "the beast", themselves, can't or won't share a moment of it with you when you need it . . . TELL THEM TO!!!! Caregivers cannot read minds or hearts.

    I once overheard one person, lying just over the paper thin cubicle wall of our station at the chemo clinic, once could be heard saying, "My wife just doesn't understand." I had all I could do to keep from bounding over that paper thin wall and ask, "Well, did you ever ask to?"

    I shall leave it at that for now, I suppose. That's all the "gushing" I have in me this afternoon. 🤨

  • Kazsmiles74
    Kazsmiles74 Member Posts: 25 Member
    #8
    https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1696909#Comment_1696909

    I feel this to my core.

  • lizzy123456
    lizzy123456 Member Posts: 8 Member
    #9

    Cancer is a difficult diagnosis and perhaps your husband needs someone to talk to. My father has brain cancer and it’s difficult especially when he gets frustrated. I personally tell him when he likes this that I’m not going to be yelled at and that screaming at me is ridiculous. I walk away from the situations at times as well. Irritation can be caused by chemo and radiation and monitoring conditions after medication is good as well. It’s tough to be with someone with cancer and you may need therapy yourself to learn strategies to deal with the issues as well. I wish you the best!

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