DanNH Member Posts: 184 Member

My wife, who is just beginning treatment for Adenocarcinoma, and I were sitting together yesterday. I was looking at her and out of nowhere I felt a sense of guilt; guilt that she is suffering with this cancer and I am still healthy. It came on pretty stong and then tapered off. Now it just sits there, not saying anything but just sitting there, like it is staring at me knowing that I know it is there... Has anyone else had an experience like this?


  • Dharmacore
    Dharmacore Member Posts: 2
    edited March 2021 #2

    Hey Dan,

    I've found guilt to be pretty present throughout my last 6 months as a caregiver. For me as soon as it subsides in one way, it seems to attack from another. I wish i had a more concrete solution for you, but I've just been working on it in therapy. She tells me its very normal, so i'll pass that message on to you.


  • VG
    VG Member Posts: 5 Member
    edited March 2021 #3
    Me too

    Hi Dan,

    Sorry to hear about your wife - My mom's got stage 4 nsclc lung cancer and I often feel guilty A. that I am well and she is not B. That she insists my stepfather be her main caregiver and not I, because she does not want to interrupt my life. For me that feeling comes and goes, sometimes it intensifies when we are having conversations about her symptoms and the overwhelming physical and mental effects. I try not to turn to my mother for assurance and psychical care as I know she is dealing with trying to keep herself together in the midst of impossible circumstances. It is a hard thing to watch them go through the experience and even though you are there with them offering all the care and support you can, you still can't help feeling guilty in the grand scheme of things. The plain fact that I am well and my mother has a terminal illness just as she retires after taking care of me and working her whole life - is where a lot of it stems from for myself. Just does not feel fair. Even though I know life never was meant to be.  I believe too, that is a normal part of the process of caregiving, meant to be felt and reflected upon in service to your inner self. 

                    Bye for now,


  • kuronrp
    kuronrp Member Posts: 11 Member

    I understand what your feeling. My guilt sits there with me too. Always just right there. Never loud. Never took deep. But yes. Everytime I do something to my body or health that causes damage I always feel guilty that my mom is praying and begging and fighting to live and here I am throwing caution to the wind.

    It's not our fault that they have this disease and it's not completely guilt. It is empathy as well.

  • Lovemywife
    Lovemywife Member Posts: 8 Member

    My wife is on Ibrance, hormone therapy for stage 4 BC and has blood work on a monthly schedule and then CT scans every three/four months to see where the cancer is .

    On top of this her side effects are hair lose , hot flashes , dry peeling skin, weight gain . Depression, anxiety, etc.

    I’m six years older than her and actually concerned about staying physically and mentally healthy to be there for her . I do get and have issues that come with aging at 64 years old which I feel that compared to what my wife is going through I just deal with my issues and not make a big deal about them .

    I just want to be able to be there for my wife and am great full that for now I can.


  • lizzy123456
    lizzy123456 Member Posts: 7 Member

    My father has grade 4 brain cancer and I understand feeling bad about your loved one being sick. However, you shouldn’t feel guilty as you did not personally giver her cancer and I know if we could we would get rid of the illness in a second. Your wife wouldn’t want you to feel guilty and needs your support more than anything. It’s okay to feel bad this is going on and that’s completely normal. However don’t blame yourself and treat your wife with love and care. If it was you I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want your wife to feel guilty. It’s tough and if you are having a really hard time seek out someone to talk to to help you through. I’m 6 months in with my dad and it gets better over time with your emotions though you will have your moments. Sometimes just talking about it makes you feel better. I wish you the best!