I have basically had a mental break down

Ejobb001

Hello, I am a husband of a cancer patient who has been battling stage three cervical cancer. It has really been extremely difficult. Our marriage has been a little rocky for the ten years we have been together. There was an infidelity in the very early part of our relationship (we were not married at the time when my spouse had intimacy with someone else) we never really were able to go to counseling for it so that I could move on from it and have been holding resentment for a while. All that aside I forgave her. But have been battling with depression which can come on very strong and out of the blue. 

I was literally destroyed when we found out that she had cancer. I would come home from the hospital to check in the house and literally breakdown for an hour sometimes. 

She is currently awaiting a scan and is as of this point done with her treatments both chemo radiation. And a surgery. She has been through so much. I am a terrible person however and my depression and anxiety got the better of me. For the past year I have kept a cool head making sure that she was comfortable and that my 3 children were well taken care of. I would pick up and manage her medications and keep a schedule. I am basically a wreck. My wife has been in pain and barely would come out of her room for months. Anytime I would try to hug her and kiss her she would push me away and say she didn't want it. We have not had intimacy for over a year. 

Anyway, throughout my last depressive episode I went into an affair website and made an account (I know I am a horrible horrible person). I did not reach out to the right channels and have ended up doing the worst possible thing. I have not had any affairs but my spouse that had been battling cancer found out that I had created the account. She doesn't want to see me again and I am loosing it. I feel so terrible. I wish I would have gotten therapy before I flaked out. During this time .....my job was threatening to terminate my position, and my spouse was saying that we may never have sex again. I just dont know what to do anymore .. I made a big mistake and still care for her safety so much it is agonizing any wise words would really really help.

 

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a_oaklee

Sorry

I feel sorry for you, your wife, and children.  You wrote that you were never able to go to counseling.  I think now its definetly time to seek help for yourself, and also for your wife.   You obviously know that infidelity is painful, as is depression and rejection, and having cancer, etc.. You really need to talk this out with a professional.   I do believe everyones life changes post cancer.  Some people are blessed with becoming closer and more loving.  And there are certainly relationships that dont survive the stress.  I hope you take care of your depression, so that you can figure out what you want to do regarding your marriage.  Best wishes.

k8

Your in a Tough Situation

Being a spouse of a colon cancer survivor, my husband had a temporary ileostomy bag for 7 months and during that time there was no intimacy which I totally understood. Although I am much older than you I was ok with with that. Since his reversal I no longer have intimacy desires while my spouse still does. I know he goes onto (how do I say this in a nice way) porn sites, but since my desires have changed I am ok with that. It's not like he's having a relationship with the computer. Everyone is different. Don't be so hard on yourself. Nothing could have prepared us for the challenges life throws at us. Be strong. We all make mistakes.

You said "my kids", does this mean your wife is not their mother? It is no simple task to raise 3 children on your own being a man or women. I know that personally.

When a cancer patient is on chemo and radiation, they are not thinking clearly. Do not give up on your relationship and give your wife some time.

Your mental health is so fragile right now. You may want to seek out some counseling for yourself.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family during this difficult episode in your life.

Kate

 

 

 

Hkc

Forgive Yourself

hi @ejobb001: so sorry for everything you're going through. it's so tough. i hope you are able to find strength to forgive yourself. i agree with @a_oaklee that going to counseling now would be a great way to take care of yourself. it's difficult (if not impossisble) to try to care for someone else when you don't take care of yourself. forgive yourself and love yourself for your past mistakes. face them head on. you don't have to be the same person you were when you made mistakes. you can become the person you've always wanted to be.