Last Treatment


Hi I'm currently writing this in the hospital during my last planned treaatment. I was diagnosed with stage III NHL six months ago, and the fight was mentally straining but I was fortunate enough to not get the common side effects that my doctors mentioned (nausea, metalic taste, blood infusions required). My treatment has been relatively smooth and I should be so grateful for how my body has taken the chemo but yet I've started to develop suicidal thoughts as I've been recovering. I worry that my cancer will come back so I develop thoughts of worry and fear. I feel selfish to no longer want to live when I know that there are people who suffer far more than me yet continue to fight. I feel selfish to all my loved ones who have supported me but the only one that won't believe in me is myself. I've pushed myself as a student in highschool and I get depressed thoughts since I'm always questioning myself if me trying my hardest to get into a top school will mean anything if I'll be dead in the next five years anyways. 

    I wouldn't say I'm scared to die. I'm happy to know all the people that I've known in my life even if it ends short. I just want to know if all I did was for something. I'm just lost. I ask myself if trying is even worth it, but inside I know that I'll always keep trying; I just want to know if it'll mean something in the end. Even though I've only been on the Earth for 17 years I know I've been satisfied with what I've done so far. It's just the human desire to always thrive for more, so I constantly try to search for more even though the chances of me losing everything that I've worked for seems imminent. To summarize, there are just suicidal thoughts creeping behind me as I finish my last treatment. I don't know how long I have to live, but I plan to study chemistry and biology to atleast contribute to the fight for cancer to extend someone's life, just as how the researchers before me have done so for me. Sorry if any of my sentences have contradicted themselves, I just wanted a place to rant.


-Best wishes to all cancer survivors


  • po18guy
    po18guy Member Posts: 1,485 Member
    Sorry to hear this

    But if you are not afraid to die, then...


    103 people are killed in unexpected traffic collisions daily in the US. No expectation. No warning. No treatment. Just BANG! and lights out. We cancer patients are blessed, as we may or may not lose our life, and we have ample time to ask forgiveness where needed, make amends, and plan.

    As rocker Warren Zevon said: "Enjoy every sandwich."

  • ShadyGuy
    ShadyGuy Member Posts: 912 Member
    one question

    What type of NHL do you have?  Even the most aggressive types are very treatable. YOU WILL MOST LIKELY BE OK. Believe that because it is true! Some amount of depression is normal. You can get over it and move on. Try to stay busy and focus on the good things you have in your life. Just look around you and you will find many things to be thankful for and happy about. Deal with relapse when and if it happens. Don't let it dominate your life in the mean time. It helped me a lot to just accept that the future is always uncertain for everyone whether you have lymphoma or not. Try to just move on. Lots of fun to be had out there! Oh to be 17 again! 

  • Rocquie
    Rocquie Member Posts: 869 Member

    Congratulations on completing your chemo treatments without harsh side-effects. It is very difficult to hear those words, "You have cancer" and to learn you need chemo. But you did it! 

    I can tell that you are very intelligent because you want to study biology and chemistry. Wanting to become a cancer researcher is an honorable goal and I hope you keep your sights on that. 

    The feelings you are having are perfectly normal. With time, they will fade. Your cancer center probably has a social worker you can talk to. You say you have come here to rant. Come anytime you want to rant. We will understand.

    Meanwhile, I want to encourage you, if you continue to have suicidal thoughts, to contact:

    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 800-273-8255. They are available 24 hours a day every day.   



  • Zammyz
    Zammyz Member Posts: 2
    edited December 2019 #5
    Thank yous

    Thank you everybody for all the encouraging wishes. It truly means a lot and just having a place to vent has done wonders for my health. I appreciate all the kind words so I hope one day I will be able to return the favor to another lost person as you all have done for me.


    -Best Wishes

  • lindary
    lindary Member Posts: 711 Member

    I agree with Rocquie in that if you get suicidal thoughts do not hesitate to call the Suicide hotline. I have a granddaughter only a few years yonger than you and she has called them twice so far. The second time they got her to really open up which helped for her to get the right kind of treatment. (It is a complicated situation and she has had to deal with the brunt of it.)

    When going through something like cancer emotions can go all over the place. If it keeps up you may want to consider talking to a soical worker or mental helath professional to help you. Good luck and come vent whenever you feel the need.