Value in sharing not-so-great experiences?

awsmGirl

I'm in an okay place right now, just recently announced as a "survivor," in remission, but wow my journey over the last 3+ years was one damn effed-up thing after another:

• ● did the wrong things delaying diagnosis cuz fear and denial, and made my situation worse, had a ridonx tumor the size of a pool-ball
• ● the 5-6weeks from my April diagnosis to my port-installation and first chemo was a devastating freefall festival of Fukt! and would i even be alive by Xmas?
• ● Chemo was fail, got SO sick and it wasnt reducing the mass, so had to stop (one awsm unexpected positive: being bald was the bomb!)
• ● talked out of straight-to-mastectomy to try meds
• ● meds didn't work well, rough side effects, debilitating hot flashes and respiratory shindig, gained 60+lbs between chemistry and mad stress eating 
• ● first surgery left cancer inside and recovery was awful, protracted (and looking/feeling mauled)
• ● next surgery was double mast with implants, again lengthy recovery
• ● then one implant moved Way out of place (i'm the Fine Print Kid, Miz Murphy's Law -- "might happen in a small percentage of cases"?  that's me) 
• ● radiation was the "easiest" part, with months of brutal fatigue
• ● bloodwork where readings were "off" ohshitimfuuukt!ohmaybenot...
• ● doctors saying dumb, insensitive sh!t, or not informing me in ways that would have mitigated anxiety
• ● OMFG ANXIETY, ANXIETY, ANXIETY!!! panic attacks, insomnia, major depression, ptsd-to-Cptsd...
• ● stress on my relationships: family, friends,  bf...
• ● relationships, ha! my sorta-ex-spouse texting me "we should get divorced" like a week or 2 after diagnosis, cuz he was having a "just got laid first time in awhile" high, wtFFF??? who does that??
• ● lost a lot of relationships thru not being out in the world cuz either sick or imploded; thru compassion fatigue, being un-fun, while trying to ALWAYS SMILE NO-ONE WANTS TO SEE YR SH!T, *ugh!
• ● body image awfulness, cuz i'm vain and insecure, and the breasts that were my sexy pride'n'joy best feature are now numb, scarred, sexually kinda useless, blihh
• ● the endless, relentless, tortuous fear of recurrence and the feeling of helplessness...

 

My shrink says i should consider talking about it, that others could benefit.  I got to the point (and still there to some extent) where i avoided info, talking about it, talking to others -- just wanted to get thru it, have it "go away," because i couldn't be hearing Bad News.

 

i'm a colorful speaker, full of turns-of-phrase, gestures and expressions, accents, jokes, asides (and yes, i mutha-flippin' swear) -- kinda a born storyteller. But i'm also kinda shy, a classic extroverted introvert who can turn it on and be bright in situations where i'm comfortable, but also hella awkward and imploded

 

When i first got on this crazy-train cancer journey, i was all positive, cheerleader-y, Do The Things and Be Well Soon, just a bump in the road...  but the frikkin Road, beat my azz Down. Hence the shrink. i mentioned about a friend joking that i should do a "Ted Talk," and shrink was all "ooh! yes!"

 

So -- would others actually want to hear my gnarly tale??  if i could get it focused, polished, coherent?  Would it actually validate, strengthen others?  Or would my story just be a trigger-fest adding to the fear-exciting list of things that could go wrong?  

 

i would so very much like to use my experience as a way to help, to be of service, do good in the world -- but i am doubtful, unsure whether anyone really wants or needs to hear it. How to wrap up my semi-incoherent experience into a listen-able Share, and to spin any positivity to the surface?

 

I'm also kinda chicken-sh!t: i'm just getting a grip on my own experience, i don't know if i can handle dealing with others who are still in the trenches, or worse who are living the negative scenarios i've so far managed to escape/miss -- feeling puny and full of hubris in contemplating this, because i know there are others who have it worse!

 

thanks for your thoughts, i appreciate it!

 

Apaugh

be kind to yourself..

there is great value in sharing your experiences.  It helps others to know they are not alone.  It helps you to vent it all out.  I am sorry your going through all this.  Most times, I would like to run away and then I remember, I cant run from myself.  So I face it head on and fight like a warrior.  Just like you.  Thank you for not making your story so pretty pretty nice.  Pain is a reality of this both mentally and physically.  

Keep talking, keep fighting.  

Hugs and prayers,

Annie

awsmGirl

Apaugh said:

be kind to yourself..

there is great value in sharing your experiences.  It helps others to know they are not alone.  It helps you to vent it all out.  I am sorry your going through all this.  Most times, I would like to run away and then I remember, I cant run from myself.  So I face it head on and fight like a warrior.  Just like you.  Thank you for not making your story so pretty pretty nice.  Pain is a reality of this both mentally and physically.  

Keep talking, keep fighting.  

Hugs and prayers,

Annie

thanks, Annie!  it's feedback

thanks, Annie!  it's feedback like yours that is really meaningful-- you've been there.  i like your "just do it" attitude: head on like a warrior!  I've been a weenie as much as a warrior, lol, but i hope that someday, somehow, my journey can help someone else on theirs.  xo to you

meadowglade

I can see it

I could see this being done and laughing and crying with you all the way. I can also see how it could be useful to not only you but others. I think you are a strong woman to have gone through all of that and wanting to share your expirence.

Stay Strong!

Linda

phoenix900

an imperfect world

I can only second "there is great value in sharing your experiences.  It helps others to know they are not alone.  It helps you to vent it all out.  ". Whether professionally, publicly, I can't know, but the whole reason chats and boards exist is because we need them