Value in sharing not-so-great experiences?
I'm in an okay place right now, just recently announced as a "survivor," in remission, but wow my journey over the last 3+ years was one damn effed-up thing after another:
- ● did the wrong things delaying diagnosis cuz fear and denial, and made my situation worse, had a ridonx tumor the size of a pool-ball
- ● the 5-6weeks from my April diagnosis to my port-installation and first chemo was a devastating freefall festival of Fukt! and would i even be alive by Xmas?
- ● Chemo was fail, got SO sick and it wasnt reducing the mass, so had to stop (one awsm unexpected positive: being bald was the bomb!)
- ● talked out of straight-to-mastectomy to try meds
- ● meds didn't work well, rough side effects, debilitating hot flashes and respiratory shindig, gained 60+lbs between chemistry and mad stress eating
- ● first surgery left cancer inside and recovery was awful, protracted (and looking/feeling mauled)
- ● next surgery was double mast with implants, again lengthy recovery
- ● then one implant moved Way out of place (i'm the Fine Print Kid, Miz Murphy's Law -- "might happen in a small percentage of cases"? that's me)
- ● radiation was the "easiest" part, with months of brutal fatigue
- ● bloodwork where readings were "off" ohshitimfuuukt!ohmaybenot...
- ● doctors saying dumb, insensitive sh!t, or not informing me in ways that would have mitigated anxiety
- ● OMFG ANXIETY, ANXIETY, ANXIETY!!! panic attacks, insomnia, major depression, ptsd-to-Cptsd...
- ● stress on my relationships: family, friends, bf...
- ● relationships, ha! my sorta-ex-spouse texting me "we should get divorced" like a week or 2 after diagnosis, cuz he was having a "just got laid first time in awhile" high, wtFFF??? who does that??
- ● lost a lot of relationships thru not being out in the world cuz either sick or imploded; thru compassion fatigue, being un-fun, while trying to ALWAYS SMILE NO-ONE WANTS TO SEE YR SH!T, *ugh!
- ● body image awfulness, cuz i'm vain and insecure, and the breasts that were my sexy pride'n'joy best feature are now numb, scarred, sexually kinda useless, blihh
- ● the endless, relentless, tortuous fear of recurrence and the feeling of helplessness...
My shrink says i should consider talking about it, that others could benefit. I got to the point (and still there to some extent) where i avoided info, talking about it, talking to others -- just wanted to get thru it, have it "go away," because i couldn't be hearing Bad News.
i'm a colorful speaker, full of turns-of-phrase, gestures and expressions, accents, jokes, asides (and yes, i mutha-flippin' swear) -- kinda a born storyteller. But i'm also kinda shy, a classic extroverted introvert who can turn it on and be bright in situations where i'm comfortable, but also hella awkward and imploded
When i first got on this crazy-train cancer journey, i was all positive, cheerleader-y, Do The Things and Be Well Soon, just a bump in the road... but the frikkin Road, beat my azz Down. Hence the shrink. i mentioned about a friend joking that i should do a "Ted Talk," and shrink was all "ooh! yes!"
So -- would others actually want to hear my gnarly tale?? if i could get it focused, polished, coherent? Would it actually validate, strengthen others? Or would my story just be a trigger-fest adding to the fear-exciting list of things that could go wrong?
i would so very much like to use my experience as a way to help, to be of service, do good in the world -- but i am doubtful, unsure whether anyone really wants or needs to hear it. How to wrap up my semi-incoherent experience into a listen-able Share, and to spin any positivity to the surface?
I'm also kinda chicken-sh!t: i'm just getting a grip on my own experience, i don't know if i can handle dealing with others who are still in the trenches, or worse who are living the negative scenarios i've so far managed to escape/miss -- feeling puny and full of hubris in contemplating this, because i know there are others who have it worse!
thanks for your thoughts, i appreciate it!
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