How to Motivate Someone to Get Better?

JanJan63

Kazenmax said:

Total opposites!

Since we are dishing about our spouses...LOL. My husband is similar. He is 11 years younger than me and I have always been the active one...the outspoken one... the healthy one. He carries about 50 extra pounds and gets very little exercise. I would get up at 4:30 every morning for a 3 mile walk with the dog before I went to work. He plays silly videos games from the moment he comes home from work til he goes to bed while watching tv. I would ask him to walk with me and occasionally he would try but complaining all the way and cutting it short. I quilt, knit, read... rarely sit still. I ate salad every day for lunch. Never ate sweets. (His weakness) I always said... you may be younger but I will probably outlive you!

Then, out of no where, cancer hit me. The past three years have changed everything. I finished chemo last December and I’m trying very hard to get back into walking. It’s rough. AND my husband bugs me every day about it.... did you take a walk today... are you going to walk? I have little energy and little ambition.

While I was sick he was diagnosed as pre-diabetic. Before starting him on drugs, doctor gave him a chance to work on his diet to get his sugar down. He cut carbs, sugar, bread, etc. He lost about 15 lbs and brought it way down.

Still doesn’t walk or exercise in any way. 

I cant offer any advice. I love my husband dearly and would be lost without him. Summer is coming and I hope we can get out on the kayaks soon (the one thing he would actually do with me). We should get walking in the evening now that the days are longer. I’m not above lying and saying Im afraid I will fall. I know if I say that he will come. 

The other thing I’ve done is gone antiquing. I drag him out shop to shop and he has no idea how much walking he does. We go to the beach and I get him walking there. Sometimes you have to be sneaky.

good luck. Change is hard. I need him around. You have inspired me to push us both.

k

I'm happy to have inspired

I'm happy to have inspired you and I hope it works! I've always been the active one and the go getter in our relationship, I have trouble sitting still and start doing things in the house the minute I'm up in the morning. I'm hopng to get him fired up and I think I'll have to use your tactic of saying I'm scared to walk alone, which is true anyway. I'm two years younger but always said he was going to get cancer because he smoked. He stopped after the heart attack and hasn't had one since so that's good, for sure. The I got the cancer, how ironic.

Jan 

beaumontdave

I've spent some time

I've spent some time pondering this thread as I'm in the midst of coping with many of the issues as Jan's husband and other partners mentioned here. I'm so demotivated at times I think I could just sit and read for the remainder of my time on the planet. Books, newspapers, the net, with movies or the news going on the screen over my desk, I'm perfectly content to stay parked in my room whenever I'm not working or running errands": eating, sleeping, doing paperwork, pondering the meaning of it all, lol. I think a combination of things has gotten me to this point, the formost was simply bad feet/ankles. Even 20 years ago, when I finished work I parked it here because I had to be off my feet when I could. Now, on top of that fabulous excuse came colon cancer, and the easiest way to cope was long walks and reading. Then Cindy got diagnosed which led to lots of being at home because the money for most activities was gone, and when things got tough towards the end, being there was all that mattered, and that meant sitting and reading not far from her. Now at 60, with my son handling a major share of the work I find it easy to sit, though I force myself up to handle the tasks and fixes around the house. We've even converted parts of the living/dining area to gym equipment and an elliptical, which I can use without aggravating the ankle/foot pain. I'm in a position now with kids and grandaughter raised, some money in the bank, four years beyond the loss of Cindy[next month], even the old bulldog that needed looking after is gone now, so I'm free to pursue whatever interests me. But I'd rather just park it and read. Part of me wants to get in better shape, lose 40 lbs. or so, eat better, do some bigger house projects,and do some traveling, but the motivation just isn't quite there. Certainly part of it is the paths I've walked, the same for Jan's hubby, for any who've had cancer or cared for one with it. A fair part of it is getting older, but for me it feels like part of me just gave up wanting more out of life. I don't feel depressed or unhappy, I just don't feel as motivated to achieve or improve my lot. Maybe that's an unintended result of "living in the moment", which is a great strategy for coping with fear and uncertainty, but doesn't promote the desire to be better or more adventurous. Whatever this malaise is, it's tough to overcome consistantly. I can have days of ambition and things getting done followed by a day of hardly getting out of the room, so clearly I don't have the answer. Cindy could always get me going on a project, sometimes by cleverly starting with a question about tools or how to do a thing, then my fear of her mucking it up had me taking over. I was always irritated at the start, and pleased with myself when it was done, so being a bit of "that kind of wife" paid off for both of us in the end. Otherwise I'm listening as well for anyone with some insight....................................................Dave

JanJan63

beaumontdave said:

I've spent some time

I've spent some time pondering this thread as I'm in the midst of coping with many of the issues as Jan's husband and other partners mentioned here. I'm so demotivated at times I think I could just sit and read for the remainder of my time on the planet. Books, newspapers, the net, with movies or the news going on the screen over my desk, I'm perfectly content to stay parked in my room whenever I'm not working or running errands": eating, sleeping, doing paperwork, pondering the meaning of it all, lol. I think a combination of things has gotten me to this point, the formost was simply bad feet/ankles. Even 20 years ago, when I finished work I parked it here because I had to be off my feet when I could. Now, on top of that fabulous excuse came colon cancer, and the easiest way to cope was long walks and reading. Then Cindy got diagnosed which led to lots of being at home because the money for most activities was gone, and when things got tough towards the end, being there was all that mattered, and that meant sitting and reading not far from her. Now at 60, with my son handling a major share of the work I find it easy to sit, though I force myself up to handle the tasks and fixes around the house. We've even converted parts of the living/dining area to gym equipment and an elliptical, which I can use without aggravating the ankle/foot pain. I'm in a position now with kids and grandaughter raised, some money in the bank, four years beyond the loss of Cindy[next month], even the old bulldog that needed looking after is gone now, so I'm free to pursue whatever interests me. But I'd rather just park it and read. Part of me wants to get in better shape, lose 40 lbs. or so, eat better, do some bigger house projects,and do some traveling, but the motivation just isn't quite there. Certainly part of it is the paths I've walked, the same for Jan's hubby, for any who've had cancer or cared for one with it. A fair part of it is getting older, but for me it feels like part of me just gave up wanting more out of life. I don't feel depressed or unhappy, I just don't feel as motivated to achieve or improve my lot. Maybe that's an unintended result of "living in the moment", which is a great strategy for coping with fear and uncertainty, but doesn't promote the desire to be better or more adventurous. Whatever this malaise is, it's tough to overcome consistantly. I can have days of ambition and things getting done followed by a day of hardly getting out of the room, so clearly I don't have the answer. Cindy could always get me going on a project, sometimes by cleverly starting with a question about tools or how to do a thing, then my fear of her mucking it up had me taking over. I was always irritated at the start, and pleased with myself when it was done, so being a bit of "that kind of wife" paid off for both of us in the end. Otherwise I'm listening as well for anyone with some insight....................................................Dave

Dave, the difference between

Dave, the difference between you and my husband is that my hisband is doing well. There's no reason for him not to want to do anything. We went and got groceries an hour ago and I come home so grateful and happy that I can now not only go with him and last for the shopping without having to ait in the car, but I can comehome and start cooking with the food right away. He's gone to have a nap.

While we were at the store he got a text that another guy he used to work with has passed away. He was at afuneral for one yesterday. If anyone know how fleeting life can be and how much we need to appreciate it when we have it, I'd think that the man who saved my life the morning of the blood clot, who held me in his arms as I took what should have been my last breath that morning, who has seen me miserable and struggling for a long time, and who could have died himself a year and a half ago shouldn't have to be reminded.

Anyway, thanks for the insight Dave. Not to be an enabler but I think for you it's understandable. Not so much for my husband.

Jan

beaumontdave

JanJan63 said:

Dave, the difference between

Dave, the difference between you and my husband is that my hisband is doing well. There's no reason for him not to want to do anything. We went and got groceries an hour ago and I come home so grateful and happy that I can now not only go with him and last for the shopping without having to ait in the car, but I can comehome and start cooking with the food right away. He's gone to have a nap.

While we were at the store he got a text that another guy he used to work with has passed away. He was at afuneral for one yesterday. If anyone know how fleeting life can be and how much we need to appreciate it when we have it, I'd think that the man who saved my life the morning of the blood clot, who held me in his arms as I took what should have been my last breath that morning, who has seen me miserable and struggling for a long time, and who could have died himself a year and a half ago shouldn't have to be reminded.

Anyway, thanks for the insight Dave. Not to be an enabler but I think for you it's understandable. Not so much for my husband.

Jan

Thanks for being

Thanks for being understanding Jan, but I'm thinking what's missing for me is the nudging of my good wife. Your man could probably use some nudging as well, but since I know little of the dynamics of your life together, I wouldn't presume to advise on that, lol. Of course he should be taking care of himself, for you and for him, and I understand your concern. I also can see how a man could get into that particular "rut" as I'm a bit that way these days. My new lack of responsibilities is a big part of my lack of drive. I've known a number of guys who, after retirement, were/are just lost as to what to do. They wind up doing all the unhealthy things, eating too much, drinking too much, sitting around. Staying engaged is the obvious answer, but what to do when the bad habits have set in? That's a tough one. Other than having a heart to heart and expressing your concerns and how much it worries you, I don't know what else you can do. As for me, I know the answer is to get my **** moving more, I'd just like to hear if there's a more creative way to do it.......................................................Dave

Noneya

Lost

     Jan, I feel for you. You might talk to him about a hobby/business. After being disabled the first time, I lost my job. It was like I had no purpose anymore. We had income,but I had always defined myself by my job. It supported my family, it was the reason to get out of bed and get moving each day. Wasn't a great thing as I felt why bother when I first became sick (not from cancer). I gained weight quickly and then started not caring what I ate, or even if I got out of bed. We moved to another State and while waiting to get things set to build our house, I started doing things for the RV park I still live in. The man that owned the park noticed and asked if I would do about 20 hours a month for him doing odd jobs for our rent each month.I said that would be great. We became best friends for over 9 years. The day he passed away, he asked me to watch over his daughter and granddaughter for him, and I of course said "Yes" an hour later he passed in his sleep. So for the next 5 years I helped out and everyone thought I was the owner if there was some kind of problem people seemed to bring it to me and I got it fixed. Well the park is now sold and the new owner RETIRED me again. He's worried about my health and has seen my battle over the last three years, he's a good man, trying to help. The first day of the new retirement I spent in bed because I could. The second went about the same sitting in front of the TV feeling down, I won't lie, I felt worthless, watching the new team doing my jobs. Yeah they weren't anything big, pick up trash, make coffee, a little paper work. maybe on a great day mow the fields on the tractor, but, they were my jobs. Just two days after being RE-RETIRED I was in the ER because of an emotional collaspe. My wife was so worried that she called the counsuler on my cancer team who had her make me meet him in the ER. We talked and we got around to what was going on and he plainly stated "You lost your identity again.". So 4 hours of crying and being mad later he had me discharged. My wife talked to the new owner this week and Friday I become onsite Manager for him. No Pay, just rent and no physical work, I have a crew for that, but I have purpose again. Didn't have to go back to work, because the new owner gave us a year free as my RETIREMENT gift so I could spend time with my family as the chemo has become less effective and the tumors aren't shrinking anymore, but they're not growing either.

    Plain and simple I was raised in a family that defined with an extreme work ethic........... maybe to extreme, because we (the men in our family) have to be productive to keep going. My Father is 80 now and builds furniture for people,after 50 years working in the auto plants, my Grandpa lived to 102 working his farm till he RETIRED and passed two days later. So even as I'm sitting at my new desk writing this, I'm now looking at building our house some 14 years later, dreaming of retirement so I can build a farm and enjoy working to raise our food and playing with my Granddaughter!

 

   Sorry to ramble on but that's what happens when you get bored.

God bless and my prayers go out to you.

Kazenmax

Noneya said:

Lost

     Jan, I feel for you. You might talk to him about a hobby/business. After being disabled the first time, I lost my job. It was like I had no purpose anymore. We had income,but I had always defined myself by my job. It supported my family, it was the reason to get out of bed and get moving each day. Wasn't a great thing as I felt why bother when I first became sick (not from cancer). I gained weight quickly and then started not caring what I ate, or even if I got out of bed. We moved to another State and while waiting to get things set to build our house, I started doing things for the RV park I still live in. The man that owned the park noticed and asked if I would do about 20 hours a month for him doing odd jobs for our rent each month.I said that would be great. We became best friends for over 9 years. The day he passed away, he asked me to watch over his daughter and granddaughter for him, and I of course said "Yes" an hour later he passed in his sleep. So for the next 5 years I helped out and everyone thought I was the owner if there was some kind of problem people seemed to bring it to me and I got it fixed. Well the park is now sold and the new owner RETIRED me again. He's worried about my health and has seen my battle over the last three years, he's a good man, trying to help. The first day of the new retirement I spent in bed because I could. The second went about the same sitting in front of the TV feeling down, I won't lie, I felt worthless, watching the new team doing my jobs. Yeah they weren't anything big, pick up trash, make coffee, a little paper work. maybe on a great day mow the fields on the tractor, but, they were my jobs. Just two days after being RE-RETIRED I was in the ER because of an emotional collaspe. My wife was so worried that she called the counsuler on my cancer team who had her make me meet him in the ER. We talked and we got around to what was going on and he plainly stated "You lost your identity again.". So 4 hours of crying and being mad later he had me discharged. My wife talked to the new owner this week and Friday I become onsite Manager for him. No Pay, just rent and no physical work, I have a crew for that, but I have purpose again. Didn't have to go back to work, because the new owner gave us a year free as my RETIREMENT gift so I could spend time with my family as the chemo has become less effective and the tumors aren't shrinking anymore, but they're not growing either.

    Plain and simple I was raised in a family that defined with an extreme work ethic........... maybe to extreme, because we (the men in our family) have to be productive to keep going. My Father is 80 now and builds furniture for people,after 50 years working in the auto plants, my Grandpa lived to 102 working his farm till he RETIRED and passed two days later. So even as I'm sitting at my new desk writing this, I'm now looking at building our house some 14 years later, dreaming of retirement so I can build a farm and enjoy working to raise our food and playing with my Granddaughter!

 

   Sorry to ramble on but that's what happens when you get bored.

God bless and my prayers go out to you.

I can so relate to your

I can so relate to your situation.  will retire May 1. I’m scared to death. I have worked since I was 15. My work defined me. I don’t know what I will do as a retiree. I just know it will be my choice. I hope I can find some routine that keeps me going. I’m a doer. I love to read but after I have done something. LOL

i loved my job. Today I had a meeting and I just felt valued, knowledgeable, a part of a team. I will be lost without that.

of course I have lined up many jobs to do here at home. Garden... general clean up... organizing. I know I will drive my husband crazy!

its good to hear that I’m not the only one.

take care

k