Survivor of rare cancer

Maerlyn138

Hello everyone, 3 years ago I was diagnosed with advanced HIV and several months later, after many tests and biopsies, I was diagnosed with an extremely rare type of lymphoma called Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphom, ALK negative. The overall prevalence of this cancer is around 3%. The prognosis for the ALK negative sub type is poor especially when concurren with advanced HIV. I received 6 rounds of chemotherapy followed by a stem cell transplant in January of 2017. Follow up scan after one year showed no new cancer growth. The cancer took a huge toll on my body leaving large areas of destroyed bone in my spine and hips.  The HIV is considered under control even though my CD4 count remains low at 212 and a CD4 % of 12. The latter result still leaving me with an AIDS classificatio.  

I know or feel like I should’ve had this great awakening in my life and had some sort of revelation after my recovery but I have yet to see it. I am considered by Social Security to be totally and permanently disabled, so I am collecting disability. This is fortunate because I used to bring in 2/3s of the household income.  The bills are now being paid but there are many and much to pay off.  I don’t know what to do with my life anymore.  My great passion in life was running. I ran 5k - Ultramarathon. Now it take a toll to run even a little and the drive to do it just isn’t there. The catastrophic toll it’s taken on my body and soul has left me empty. 

Mad long as I am sharing everything I am have Bipolar type 2, PTSD, and anxiety due to childhood emotional and physical abuse. I am on my medication and seeing a great counselo, but I still have mood swings and am affected by many triggers. There’s just so much and it’s been my whole life. I don’t know what to do anymore. 

po18guy

Very sorry to hear this

Cancer as well as treatment are huge life changers. Recovery, as you have found, can be a huge challenge, as our bodies are now damaged goods. I also had a stem cell transplant, using my son as a donor. I had the cousins of ALCL (Peripheral T-Cell Lymphoma, NOS as well as Angioimmunoblastic T-Cell Lymphoma). Fortunately, SSD also came through for me, as I was forced into retirement and lost 40% of my income as well as all health coverage.

It will take some amount of time to adjust to what life has thrown at you - it always does. Yet, you are stronger than you know qnd will get through this. Running is also in the past for me, but I have decided to be content with the blessing of life itself, as both your prognosis and mine were very poor. I have several other conditions to deal with, but I must be alive to have complaints.

When a door is closed, we find that a window is opened for us. And, the view from that window is sometihng that we can learn to appreciate - but it takes effort. You have a lot on your plate, and I admire your courage in facing it all. One day at a time, we can live out our post-cancer lives.

lindary

Maerlyn

As Po said, once you have cancer your body is not the same. I did not have all of the hurdles you had in fighting cancer but when I was done I wasn't able to do things I used to do. Some things I sitll do but slower. On the other hand my idea of a great day was spending it reading and that has not changed. The one thing that gets me it the fatigue. It is not as bad as it was 2 years ago but if I don't get 7 -8 hours sleep I am tired by the afternoon. On weekend I often sleep 9 hours to feel almost fully charged. Life becomes learning a new normal. 

Maerlyn138

lindary said:

Maerlyn

As Po said, once you have cancer your body is not the same. I did not have all of the hurdles you had in fighting cancer but when I was done I wasn't able to do things I used to do. Some things I sitll do but slower. On the other hand my idea of a great day was spending it reading and that has not changed. The one thing that gets me it the fatigue. It is not as bad as it was 2 years ago but if I don't get 7 -8 hours sleep I am tired by the afternoon. On weekend I often sleep 9 hours to feel almost fully charged. Life becomes learning a new normal. 

Tiredness

  I can relate to the tiredness and general need fo more sleep.  I had/have a very strong work ethic so when I have to admit to myself that I am too tired to do what I'd planned for a day, or just plain stay in my pajamas, it's hard.  It's that realization slowly sinking in that I have to get used to my body after cancer and treatment.  I have days like I had today where I woke up and started doing housework and finace work.  I got a lot done cleaning and nearly done with finaces, but by 4pm I was exhausted.  I did a short meditation and took a nap.  I think I am just constantly fighting against my new norma.  I have the drive to try and improve myself, but I notice the increased toll it takes on my body.

Maerlyn138

po18guy said:

Very sorry to hear this

Cancer as well as treatment are huge life changers. Recovery, as you have found, can be a huge challenge, as our bodies are now damaged goods. I also had a stem cell transplant, using my son as a donor. I had the cousins of ALCL (Peripheral T-Cell Lymphoma, NOS as well as Angioimmunoblastic T-Cell Lymphoma). Fortunately, SSD also came through for me, as I was forced into retirement and lost 40% of my income as well as all health coverage.

It will take some amount of time to adjust to what life has thrown at you - it always does. Yet, you are stronger than you know qnd will get through this. Running is also in the past for me, but I have decided to be content with the blessing of life itself, as both your prognosis and mine were very poor. I have several other conditions to deal with, but I must be alive to have complaints.

When a door is closed, we find that a window is opened for us. And, the view from that window is sometihng that we can learn to appreciate - but it takes effort. You have a lot on your plate, and I admire your courage in facing it all. One day at a time, we can live out our post-cancer lives.

waiting for that breakthrough

  Thank you for your kind words.  I have been doing a lot of reading about cancer survivorship and they all seem to have these empowering stories of recovery and self discovery.  I am just waiting for mine to come.  I know I still have a lot of things to accept in my life post-cancer.  My cardiovascular condition is really low.  Feels lower then it should be but, as you know, the regular chemo and then the high dose chemo atom bomb they give you before a stem cell transplant really injures your body in the process of killing the cancer.  The big dose I got was with Melphalan, which I had to have ice chips in my mouth the entire time in was being infused to keep the circulation down so I would get sores in my mouth.  Ended up with some stomach and intestinal damage. Temporary, but it was a really effort to be able to eat anything.  Worse cramps than any food poisoning I'd ever had.  Melphalan, I read later, is basicly Mustard Gas in injectable form.  No wonder it destroys your immune system.

  I can see the way I've changed mentally.  Things that used to upset me are no longer even on my radar.  Unfortunately my libido has been way down since the transplant, and probably because of my mental state.  It really is a catastrophic life event.

I've been putting off going to group sessions with other cancer survivors, but I need to make the effort.  The hospital where I was treated has groups every month.  Maybe if I break out of one of my shells, the rest will be easier.

po18guy

We are the walking wounded...

...but still soldiers in the battle. We have been handed a "life" sentence - but not life as we knew it. Rather, a life that has been irrevocably changed. It is a life which allows us now to savor many more moments than before. Simply waking up and getting out of bed is now a reason to express gratitude. I can now pick and choose what each day will contain - outside of medical appointments, that is!

Mustard gas. Autopsies on deceased WW1 soldiers revealed that their bone marrow had been destroyed. Knowing this, "mustard" gas was later experimented with as to leukemias, and worked to a degree. I see also that Cyclofosfamide and Bendamustine are nitrogen mustards, in the same class as Melphalen. 

Yes, translant prep can be brutal, but it is less brutal than the lymphoma. July 2015 I underwent a moderate intensity haploidentical allogeneic transplant. Dealing with cGvHD ever since. Our personal breakthroughs are cognitive, psychlogical, rather than physical. Thus, they are an act of the human will.