Back again

Jtchristy Member Posts: 12

My boyfriend (Who has cancer) and I broke up in after being together about a year and a half. We found out he had stage 4 cancer after being together for a year and things went haywire for us once he started chemo. We got back together after a month (He initiated contact and went above and beyond to prove to me that he wanted us back together).

We are now close to our two year mark and things were good for us up until three weeks ago when he was told that the chemo was not working and he may have to get a more aggressive chemo treatment. Prior to his CAT scan, I told him that nothing would change if he got sicker and I am here no matter what, that I love him and want to be with him forever. He said he wanted the same. He went for the CAT scan and said everything was fine, that he would not change to an aggressive chemo (Which I thought was odd as the docs were adamant that the current chemo is not working).[/FONT]

Shortly after he began his old shenanigans, being rude, not wanting to hang out, etc. He and his family went on vacation and rented a beach house which I invited to. On my first visit (a week after our talk) he said: “I don’t know if you are the woman for me, “you are there but I am not yet” and “I can’t make any promises to you because if I want to break up in six months I don’t want to be accused of breaking a promise.” I immediately told him we need to break up if he feels that way and he cried and said no and wanted to work on us.

I went home and came back to the beach house and his family told me that I am the best thing that ever happened to him and how lucky he is to have me. He seemed angry that they said that to me, yet said I misunderstood what he was trying to say and how he didn’t want to break up. We talked about it and he said that when I said that I love him and want to be with him forever, that was my way of saying I want to get married. I told him I don’t want to get married again and what I meant was that I was here for him until the end and I don’t want to break up over frivolous things. He said he wanted the same.

He continued to be distant and I visited him at beach house for a third time where we were getting along great with his family. One of his family members asked him if he wanted to play cards. He asked me if it was ok with everyone standing there and I said yes. They then played cards while I sat in the living room with everyone’s children watching SpongeBob. After one game I asked him to walk me to my car to get some items. I told him how displeased I was and how rude it was to not ask me to play. I told him my feelings were hurt and I felt left out. He got angry at first then apologized. We went back in and all played cards and had a wonderful time.

I went home and the shenanigans continued. I asked him to meet up and I told him things are not going the way I hoped and I cannot have a repeat performance of last time. He began crying saying he couldn’t handle a relationship and cancer at the same time. I asked him if he wanted to take a break and he said yes. He made the comment “I don’t care what you say; you act like you want to get married.” I told him I don’t want to get married but conversations do not matter at this point since we are taking a break. I told him that he can count on me if he needs anything. I hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek and left, feeling like we had an amicable parting. Ten minutes after I left him he blasted me on social media to all of our friends, writing:
“FYI CHRISTY AND I BROKE UP TODAY. SHE TOOK IT BETTER THAN I THOUGHT SHE WOULD. WE ARE NOT ON THE SAME PAGE. WE ARE ON A HAMPSTER WHEEL. WE TAKE ONE STEP FORWARD AND THREE STEPS BACK. I KNOW SHE LOVES ME THAT IS WHY I TRIED. MAYBE SOMEDAY WE CAN BE FRIENDS”  Someone wrote back, “Are you sure this isn’t your fault? You know you are bad communicator” and his answer was, “Yes I am but she had her difficulties.”

I’m so pi$$ed that he did this. So my question is: Do I go no contact? I feel bad for what he is going through so I feel guilty if I get angry at him. His birthday is next week and I purchased him a gold watch personalized with his initials. Do I reach out to him? At this point I want to continue to be his friend but have no desire to go back to dating him….

His friends have reached out to me, quite perplexed that this happened as he told them we broke up over the card game incident and how they thought that was a small issue. I have told them that it is a very unfortunate situation and that I wish him well. His ex-girlfriend hangs in his/our group of friends (She is married and is a nice person. He told me about a month ago that he didn’t want me talking to her. I told him that I would not talk to her about our relationship but he will NOT tell me who I can and cannot talk to. He mad nasty comments about her but I ignored them) and told me recently that he is not the same man she knew years ago.

He just recently changed his profile pic to a pic of him and his nephew’s girlfriend arm in arm at a wedding. Everyone is posting “Who is that beautiful girl? I don’t recognize her.” He also posted a picture of the water with a weird cloud formation (He took two pics, one of the water without me and one with me and posted the one without me)…Once again I am staying out of it and I told them I have not been on social media and do not know who she is. I am wondering if he thought I would call him/our friends and say something hoping it would get back to me. I am moving on and want nothing to do with him.
Just a vent. I feel I did the right thing. I am not responding to anything negative.  I understand his plight and left when he asked me to; leaving it open that we will always be friends and he can contact me anytime. The thing that is infuriating me is how he is posting things on social media that is hurtful to me..



  • Catholic
    Catholic Member Posts: 86
    I am far from an expert in

    I am far from an expert in terms of dating.  But my advice is...

    You have to take a step back and breathe.  I dated two different girls who both uniquely and at different times
    in my life gave me a watch with my initials and neither relationship worked out (and quite frankly the watch was
    the deal breaker  :))..  My wife, who I dated and married, never gave me any gifts and as a guy, Im not looking
    for watches or other sentimental trinkets.  I remember my wife (occasionally) bringing lunches and dinners when
    we dated and I remember her getting me socks (yes! socks!). Some how getting me something that I really
    needed struck the right chord with me and we married.

    With regards to the cancer aspect, as the caregiver, you have to take care of yourself because your in for rough
    waters.  Im married with 3 young kids and my wife finished 11 months of chemotherapy about 2 years and I feel
    beyond exhausted at times.  Chemotherapy hasnt lead to marital bliss and stage 4 is no fun.

  • a_oaklee
    a_oaklee Member Posts: 566 Member
    edited September 2018 #3

    Relationship advice is tough, but I'm going to try.  My thoughts re what you describe of him is that he has alot going on and cant handle distress in your relationship right now.  I think he has to focus on other things.  It would be good if you do that too.  Stop reading the social media stuff.  Just be a good person, loving and kind.  He knows what you have offered him, and perhaps when he feels better he will come around.   All of my sons were uncomfortable with expensive gifts.  Their hearts were warmed with homemade cookies,  and other small gestures of thoughtfulness.  I think how people feel about gifts is personal.