GLIO STAGE 4 BRAIN CANCER

Kevinmsr

My wife and I were married in Oct 2017, after I had lost my prior wife due to breast cancer and heart attacks several years earlier, and 5 months after I was newly married, happier than i could have imagined, my newly beloved bride was diagnosed with Glioblastoma Stage 4. I mean really WTF! I planned on never marrying again due to the tramatic effect my prior spouse's death had on me, then several years later, I met my sweetheart and on the first date, I told her that I would marry her. It was absolutely heavenly, a fantasy love, a one in a billion love that you would read in a love novel, and now the doctors are telling us we have 6-15 months. Really, really, am I hated by God that much, that this would happen to us, and we couldnt even have a year being married before this devastated us, to me, burying 2 wives in 5 yrs. I know it is not about me, and it is all about her. I cater to my beloved's needs 20-21hrs per day full time. I am her caretaker and do not leave her side, but many people dont realize the horror, the nightmares I have of her being gone already and myself crying out for her, looking for her, even though in the nightmares, i know she is passed. How do you deal with something of this magnitude, when you give everything you have, I mean everything you have, and you have no other family other than your wife, and you move to another state and then being told that you would lose her in counting down the months, not the years, and at such a young age of 45, I mean really, really, wtf!!! I am I am not a good person, but does God really hate me that much to punish me, us, like this? I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that He exist, and that He loves, but am I the only excluded one, that He decided way in advance to punish and not love? I gave up my home, my neighborhood, my city, county and state and moved 1,000 miles away to start a new life with my wife, and now I am going to lose everything. Are the nightmares I had years ago of living alone in the streets going to come true now that I am going to lose my wife someday because of the actions I took and will take? I cant even begin to say how much I hate all of this death and cancer and bs. My beautiful, beloved, the chemo and radiation on top of all the crap that she is going thru. This world isnt what people claim it is. It really really sux and now I have to watch the person I love most in the world, the only perrson I have, die slowly on me, and for a 2nd time in 5 years to go thru it all alone again! I dont even know why I am typing here, maybe to get  it off my chest or to fined a sentence of hope, which I have almost none. Faith. I know God exist, I know 100%, no questions asked, and no one can change my mind that He doesnt exist. The difference is I believe in Him because I know He hates me and is punishing me, because lady luck is not that F up to have me go thru this twice in 5 yrs. Sorry to rant. I would delete this because it is too long and messed up, but I dont know why I am not deleting and just keep typing. later people. there is no words that can help me. I just need to care for my wife because I adore her and she deserves that love and caring for, because she is my hero and my treasure.

JerzyGrrl

Your beloved and you...

Kevin -- Wow, you are really right: WTF?! I've been a care giver but the circumstances were different. So I have little glimpses into what a struggle it is to be a solo caregiver, but I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm so sorry to hear you and your dear wife are going through this.

First off, in my way of thinking, if God really hated you (which I doubt God does), God would NOT kick your butt by kicking somebody else's butt (especially your dear sweet loved one's butt).

That you're already having times of grieving even in the midst of you both being here and together is -- unfortunately -- normal. That you're re-grieving for your late wife (and the horrors of her cancer diagnosis and treatment) is -- unfortunately -- normal.

Caregiving nearly 24 hours a day is enough to drive anybody over the edge. Not being able or allowed to sleep is Standard Operating Procedures for the solo caregiver. Not being able or allowed to sleep is also used on prisoners as torture (Any solo caregiver will totally understand this, if they have enough extra brain synapses firing together to even consider it). I never truly had sleep deprivation psychosis, but I could see it from where I was. I would imagine you're in a similar boat. 

Does your wife's care team have a social worker or case manager who could help you get a little assistance in caregiving? Is there someone who you could talk to? My health plan has a toll-free number I can call 24/7 when I have health concerns, including when my overwhelm bucket is too full.

All the best -- You (and that's both a singular and plural "you") aren't alone. Keep us posted.