How to Handle This

Ginkgo

Advice, please, on how to handle getting through the radiation treatments.  I am in week three of daily radiation, however, I am not handling the radiation appointments well.  I feel like I am going to the gallows every day while everyone at the treatment center is all, How are you?  Did you have a good weekend?  Are you doing something interesting later today?  For all that happy talk, I am simply embarrassed and ashamed and I find the entire process utterly humiliating.  I have tried the things they suggest - guided imagery, meditation, gratitudes, support groups - but I cannot get past the reality of this cancer, or how I was exposed to HPV.  I am mostly catatonic about it, just hoping I can keep from breaking down during treatments, and thinking about what they all must think of me.

 

 

 

Scubajoe

Ginko,

Ginko,

Are you having more troubles with the physical aspects or the mental aspects or both? If your 3 weeks down you just have 3 weeks to go. It is a painful experience but you only have 3 more weeks left. Be sure you're using the ointment for the burns and put it on everyday just make sure to wash it off before your next treatment. During my treatment I had a lot of support from friends that take me to my appointment each day. I did not work during this time and I don't know how anybody could but people do it. the worst of the pain for me was two weeks after treatment ended but each day after it slowly gets better. During my last radiation treatment I could not help but cry during the three to five minutes or whatever it was I was in the machine. After that last treatment I rang that gong so hard 30 times I thought I was going to break it. Be sure to keep eating during the whole process to keep your body repairing itself. After the treatments each day I would come home hang out on the couch mostly drink a protein shake in the morning and then the evening. We all are here for you and just remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel even though it may not seem like it you are halfway through it. Wishing you all the best and please reach out as much as you need to for support on this site. how are you doing with your digestion and bowel movements? I did not really have any diarrhea during my treatments but when I needed to go I needed to go and actually use a 5 gallon bucket near my bed for a few weeks. Just look at it one day at a time and it will be over before you know it.

mp327

Ginkgo

I had to just pull myself up by the boostraps some days to get through treatment.  It was hard, knowing the type of cancer I had and how I may have gotten it, to go see those technicians every day, wondering what they were thinking.  That was then and not now.  I have come to realize that anal cancer is a disease.  It is NOT a scarlet letter on our backs.  The reality is anyone can get it.  Don't let your thoughts consume you, but if you still struggle, talk to someone who will not be judgemental.  Hang in there and know that everyone on this site is on your side.

eihtak

Ginkgo...

Like Martha said, I guess we just needed to somehow dig deep and pull our own selves up because the reality is that no one (unless they've walked in your shoes) really does have the ability to fully understand...and for that, know that you have us!

As far as worry about what the techs are thinking...I actually believe if anything they are more worried about how what they see could be them one day and it scares them more than anything. I believe that most people are not really judging, but rather at a loss for what to say in situations such as ours because to most it is unknown territory.

For the physical pain and discomfort, by the time I was 3 weeks in, I was on a regular schedule of oxycontin every 12 hours. I was able to safely wean off the pain meds not long after treatment ended. While the meds didn't fully eliminate the pain, they certainly took the edge off and an added plus was that they also relieved some emotional anxiety as well.

This can be a very humiliating experience for sure, but put that thought of "how did you get it" into a bubble and blow it away because most people contract HPV (if in fact your case was HPV related) at some point in life, but also most peoples bodies rid themselves of it before it becomes active and leads to cancer. It is possible to carry the virus for decades before something like a weakened immune system fuels the fire. Most of us will never know the "how and why" on this journey so look ahead and try to focus on good days in your future...they WILL be coming, believe me!

Hang in there, your half way there, and know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers as you continue to keep moving forward.

katheryn

Ginkgo

Thanks for pep talks

So far, my issues are emotional.  I am experiencing side effects, but nothing I did not anticipate.  I think my "attitude" about the radio along with worse side effects to come will not be a good thing, so I'd like to get the emotional side under control sooner than later!  I hear the advice about letting go of where this came from and not thinking there's a scarlet letter on my back, but I know my cancer is HPV related because I had genital warts when I was about 24.  It was an error in judgement to get involved with that guy, but it's the source and hard to ignore or forget.  But, I like the image of putting negative thoughts in a bubble and blowing them away.  I will try.  

 

Ohmy

I literally put on my big

I literally put on my big girl pants (I wore boxer shorts) and got through it.  Reading the blogs really helped me during and after treatment. The HPV virus is very common even though our cancer is rare.  I thought only people who had anal sex get anal cancer.  WRONG!  I had to use a dialator during treatment and the techs were great.  They told me not to worry, they have seen everything.  My husband says I have forgotten most of the pain and suffering.  I am now one year cancer free and enjoying every day of it.  I did take some antianxiety medication during my treatment and it really helped.   ......oh and I still wear boxer shorts around the house.

eihtak

Ginkgo said:

Thanks for pep talks

So far, my issues are emotional.  I am experiencing side effects, but nothing I did not anticipate.  I think my "attitude" about the radio along with worse side effects to come will not be a good thing, so I'd like to get the emotional side under control sooner than later!  I hear the advice about letting go of where this came from and not thinking there's a scarlet letter on my back, but I know my cancer is HPV related because I had genital warts when I was about 24.  It was an error in judgement to get involved with that guy, but it's the source and hard to ignore or forget.  But, I like the image of putting negative thoughts in a bubble and blowing them away.  I will try.  

 

Ginkgo...

Isn't it amazing how our thoughts and emotions can take hold even when we fight against it! If no one made an error in judgement in life, no one would learn from our so called mistakes. (Believe me, I've made my share as well) Maybe it will help to think that if indeed the genital warts from said guy are what evolved into your anal cancer, rather than to blame (him) or yourself for that relationship, consider why your body was not able to fight the virus. Chances are he may have been with someone else as well and they did not end up with cancer. There are other factors that have to come together at just the right time for this virus to morph into disease...maybe other circumstances in life for which you had no control, came into play as well, making you vulnerable.

Keep blowing those bubbles, and know we are here for you!

katheryn

Mollymaude

Ginkgo

I remember one of the male techs talking about chances were good he would have to be getting pelvic radiation someday because of prostate cancer. I guess he had a family history or something. I really don't think the techs are judging you. I never felt judged by the doctors either. Remember that 80% of people who have ever had sex have HPV. It sounds like thinking about HPV made you think about when you got warts from the guy who was a bad choice and you have been thinking about things you thought you had left in your past. You didn't get this cancer because you are a bad person and it is not a punishment, sometimes things just happen. I agree with Scubajoe about having friends take you to radiation if you can. I did that too and it really helped. I think having cancer became an opportunity to see how much people cared about me. My family, friends, and coworkers were supportive and loving in a way I had never experienced. Try to think of all the people who love you and may be praying for you during your radiation. Maybe even talking to your favorite radiation tech would help. I only cried once at the cancer center and it was a radiation tech who was so supportive and kind who helped me through that. I think maybe you are being judgemental of yourself but I don't think the treaties are being judgemental. Be kind to yourself.