Stress and Family Indifference

LSJ18

Newly diagnosed (Last Thursday) still a bit in a fog.  I had four (4) years of continious stress and I do beleive it has impacted my health.  WHile I'm going through the (physical) pain, anger, anxiety et.  My living situation is not helping e at all  The cause of my stress is my daughter.  She has been diagnosed with several mental illnesses and is a recovering addict. She's a minor and needs a lot of attention; shes suppose to graduate this year. .  Although she was informed about my cancer she doesnt really care.  She still picks fights, she goes out late, doesn't help in the house and the stress doesn't end for me.  My husband is a great guy, he's practical supportive but has due to his autism no to little emotion.  When I was diagnosed and when I went for my drs appointment, he was still working. And when I told him my diagnosis over the phone he told me he didnt have time to talk becasue he was at work and hang up the phone on me.

 

I can't change who they are, but my real fear is that I will go through this by myself without the support I really need.  Has anyone been through something similar?  And if so, how die it impact your healing process and how did you deal with the lack of support and care?  

 

Kat1962

Dear LSJ18 - you are not

Dear LSJ18 - you are not alone, although you absolutely feel it.  I may not have much to offer, but here's my story.  I was diagnosed with BC in left breast and some lymph nodes.  Bone scan discovered it metastisized to my lower spine.  September 2017.  I am divorced and my two boys are away at college.  I basically live by myself.  However, my ex husband has been helpful as my community and friends.  You HAVE to reach out and ASK.  Some people don't know what to say, so nothing gets said.  Also, ask your hospital/doctors what support groups/help is available to you.  My hospital was able to give me funds for rides to appts and money for food, among a few smaller items.  I'm in Boston and feel blessed to have the best care in the world, but always ask.

You're right, you can change your daughter or husband's own afflictions.  I do feel very badly for you.  As I'm sure you've been there for them a million times - now you need them - and they're not there.  Painful and hurtful.  So, now you've got to seek the help you need and DESERVE.  Try not to let your despair send further into a depression.  Hell, having cancer is depressing enough.  Try to accept all of this...then go treat yourself with something that makes you smile.  Buy yourself some flowers - always works for me.  Indulge in YOURSELF.  Keep in touch!  Kat1962

Beepositive

Hello LSJ sorry you are here..but as I always sey ..WE are ALL Still here living our "new Normal"  I sorry also about your family daughter and husband. I have a daughter also and she does not know what all thats going on with me .my decision to just give her limited info because she also has her own stuff going on with two kids and trying to work and deal with all the ups and downs of being a single mom!  My sisters know my story but ..its hard on family they really dont know how to react because they are all afraid and dont want to talk about it ..Im sure they love your very much .. but hard for them to relate ..we are here for you ..you are not alone.   Keep talking and asking questions of your doctors.

prayers and blessing to you and your family.. hugs 

BEEpositive   

Apaugh

LSJ18

We are here and we care.  This is the place to cry, laugh, question, and ask for help. 

Hugs and Prayers,

Annie

bigdaddycool492

Coping with Mixed Messages

I am brand new to this forum as my wife has recently been diagnosed with BC.   She found out today about her surgery, meds and potential for chemo.  She works in an oncology center as a medical assistant and feel this is the biggest reason for teh change in her attitude.  Over the past 24 hours, she has screamed at me, belittled me, caused friction between the two of us and has just been overall nasty towards me, the one who loves her unconditionally.   I understand that this is just a reactionary measure, because I suffered with melnoma and thyroid cancer.   Knock on wood, I have been clear for about 4 years now, but I was never this nasty towards her.  I am trying to be understanding and sympathetic towards her, but when she starts lecturing, screaming and belittling me, I don't want to be around her.   For example, I am traveling for my business this week.  I have been texting her, trying to keep her spirits up, staying positive, etc. but just continues to slam me.   I sent a text saying something like, I understand the feeling of the unknown because I have been there.  Its scary, unnerving, uncomfortable and upsetting, but staying positive and strong is the only outlook to have.  I know because I have been there.   She texts back, "Minus the genes (her father had lung cancer which was caused by his lifetime of smoking) and treatment.  Meds with side effects no matter what, best case scenerio.  But its not a contest."  Essentailly saying, "mines worse than yours and there's no way you could understand."  I am trying my darndest to be paitence with her (considering it has only been 24 hours since she was informed of her surgery) but its the same exact surgery I had but mine is on my head.   Any suggestions to assist in dealings with my wife and her attitude change during this trying time is helpful.  Thank you.   

bonbondidit

Hi LSJ18-

Hi LSJ18-

I read your post and a friend of mine popped up in my mind that had similar lack of support.Although your husband isn't abusive intentionally like hers is...  oddly enough the selfish self centered boyfriend was the one who reached out to me to call her and help her through her journey but has been the most emotionally abusive human on earth to her simultaneously.  He must have known how he would be. So interesting.  She had lung cancer and they both at times drink but I've had the best most honest and heartfelt talks with her then I have with anyone. I am blessed to know her.  She is a recovering addict and clean for 15 years. HIS kids are similar to him.  I still can't get over his comments to her while she was recovering from lung surgery " I need you to come to work and help with finishing up this construction and PAINT" over and over during her recovery. Like who says this? and to someone going through massive lung cancer recovery.  Hes destryed her property and cusses her out and makes it tht SHES doing this to him....omg it's sick.  SO, that's the burden she bares.  Her energy level and recovery for healing purposes was definetely stalled due to the lack of care at  home menatally and physically, so one day it was decided to just feed off of positive energy because she was emotionally bankcrupt and needed sunshine and smiles and hugs.  Her doctors office and nurses and myself and a few others rallied around her and I saw a very strong but broken emotionally lady change before my eyes and it was amazing to see.  Just the positivity and friendships alone gave her more life happiness even while going through chemo, surgery and radiation.  You must do all things that help you and avoid the things that drain your energy for the sake of your spirit right now. 

One of my best friends of 20 years went MIA on me during my cancer journey and I was really let down by her.  While other people I knew much shorter in time rallied and carried my spirit up and over mountains and valleys of the unknown. My family was great through. I'll never forget it.  My friend has since realized her lack of actions and this allowed her to grow in her own skin and work through things that has strengthened her and she's better because of it.  

Surround yourself with positive influence as best as you can.  Also, something I did that was nfun and has been very awqrding in my house, I stripped rverything in my home that didn't make me smile.  If it's an eye sore - out it went. Same with mismatched dishes and kitchen items and also my waredrobe. Put your hand on it and if it makes you think twice if you love it, get it out.  Home is where your recover and think deeply during this time.  So make it positive and pretty.  Get those pretty towels and or bedding maybe some pretty art that inspires your as a focal point at home to raise your spirit.  I'm very sorry about your daughters choices and also her hardships dealing with mental illness as I have a young one who I help foster that is 7 with issues.  He was 4 when I was diagnosed and my changes effected him but he's learned about the need to cope positively in order to grow from it and heal.

The BIGGEST of hugs to you - please live well and WISE during this journey - we're all here for you

Bonnie