I'm tired, I'm pissed

Cindy225

Moving Personal Experiences

Wow! Thanks to all for sharing. This forum is so inspiring…

Cindy

Ugur

Hi nkeelty,

Stop asking yourself the questions without answers.

Focus on what you have and on the solutions.

Take responsibility, for example I have just been diagnosed as stage 4 colon cancer. How do you think does it affect me to see messages such yours. I am terribly sorry that we all have to live this, but being whiny will not help to anyone. 

Once a wise man told, anger is a gift. Don't just spend your gift, but make it useful. Make it wake you up every morning.

Every person has different things to worry. Ours is just a bigger burden.

Keep strong, with love,

U.

darcher

Mikenh said:

Nice to see you back.

Nice to see you back.

BTW, I asked my surgeon about the "Male Issue" and she told me what she thought it was and we'll likely discuss it in the future. It doesn't really matter for now. I started a thread on it a few weeks ago if you want to take a peek. I put "Men Only" but nobody observes those things.

My current frustrations are that most people treat me like I'm normal - which is probably due to me trying to appear normal. But I have a lot of challenges that you all know about. For the most part, others are trying to get me to take on more responsibilities and work and it's not happening. I have three more cycles and looking forward to getting it over with.

Not looking sick can suck

  I've gotten the same reactions.  "You don't look sick..."   Jesus, and then they act as though you're not and you end up getting extra things dumped in your lap.  Been there done that.  Maybe we ought to shave our heads and drag an IV around to make the point.  

Ottawamarc1234

Phil64 said:

I feel you!

Life can seemingly throw many toils and tribulations at us. And so metimes it feels so unfair. And sometimes It is overwhelming! Then, in the end, we all die. 

For me, cancer has been a radical spiritual intervention. It has brought me face to face with my mortality. Smashed me with the truth about my human existence. And left me wondering about the meaning of life.

Unfortunately I can’t tell you I have found meaning that solves the pain, fear, anger felt throughout the cancer battle. 

I still have pain, fear, frustration. But I am trying to remind myself that my life is NOT about me. For me, the purpose / meaning of my life is about me being present for my wife, children, siblings, friends, family, colleagues. And somehow the pain, fear, frustration, are obstacles that MUST be seen as exactly that. Something to be overcome, worked around, busted through. 

This was a tough week for me, but on Friday I got to hold a beautifu ten month old grand daughter. To laugh with her and to appreciate her mesmorizing beautiful blue eyes. When I held her the pain and fears seemed to escape me. Maybe it was the Motrin I took before picking her up? Regardless of what helped me overcome the issues, the point is that holding her, laughing with her, that is a moment that gives my life meaning.

And holding my wife’s hand.

And enduring many toils at work, helping my colleagues push forward.

And texting with my daughter, struggling through a tough miscarriage. 

These are all examples of why I fight, endure, and search for meaning that makes dealing with pain, fear, and frustration obstacles something I just have to do.

 

2 weeks in Nausea settled aches and pains continue

Cant sleep at night. Picc Line Itches..Wax buildup in ear...stiff neck. Did one week chemo...Radiation 5 days a week. Anal HPV tumour right butt cheek. Weird pain and never ending pooing problems....

OzarkGal

Feelings are real

Nkeelty's feelings are real and should be expressed.  Things are very different when one is on chemo longterm and you get turned down for other treatment options because your cancer is too advanced.  It's not just about feeling a little tired.  I tolerated FOLFOX pretty well in the beginning but at the 7th month it felt like I was being poisioned to death.  Then I found out that the chemo was damaging my liver and spleen.  In addition, FOLFOX is no longer controlling the liver tumors.  My apologies if that sounds too depressing.  I am not able to spin it in a way to make it sound happy.  Some days will be better than others.  I have moments when I just cry and I don't thiink there is anything wrong with that.  Am I supposed to pretend that everything is fine?  I am finding that that is the way many people prefer it because they can't deal with it.  I don't understand it.  It seems so fake to me and not who I am.  But 'everything is great' and 'just be happy.'