MY BROTHER'S KEEPER

JILL SYDNOR

My 73 year old brother called me last week to tell me, in a very matter of fact tone, that he has been diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer.  And that he's not able to get radiation and/or chemo.  Since our parents passed away, it's just the two of us left.  His doctor has told him that he'd be confident in making plans 6 months from now, but not so much after that.  My brother, Alan, seems to be more worried about me than the fact that he's going to die.  We live about an hour away from each other, but do spend time together at least once a week, or so.

Some days are good, for me;  then others are filled with such sadness.  I've never gone thru this before and I'm not sure what I should be doing.  I've started to get paperwork together, for my brother, like an advanced directive, medical proxy, will, etc.  

I know that once he gets sicker, hospice will be called in.  Never dealt with that - not sure how anything works. 

Not sure how I'm going to get thru this.  Sometimes I just sit and cry....

Catholic

Spend time with your brother

Spend time with your brother and take pictures.  Its not easy but sitting around and crying wont help either.
Go visit your brother and talk to him.  Pictures, talking, sharing meals will help you and your brother.

 

JILL SYDNOR

Catholic said:

Spend time with your brother

Spend time with your brother and take pictures.  Its not easy but sitting around and crying wont help either.
Go visit your brother and talk to him.  Pictures, talking, sharing meals will help you and your brother.

 

Thank you!  I'm going to try

Thank you!  I'm going to try to pull myself together and spend as much time with my brother as I can...

CatPerson

Call him regularly

How often do you normally talk to him? If it's not too out of character, I'd call daily or every other day just to say hi or tell him about your day and vice versa. If anything that day reminded you of y'alls childhood or your parents, etc. The tv shows you've watched that day, a bumper sticker you saw on the car in front of you, whatever. Reminisce or suggest what to do next week. My Mom (homebound) calls my Dad in PT Rehab a few times a day just to see what he had for breakfast/dinner, how his latest appointment went, what she did that day or to vent. 

Of course, there's social media but it's just nice to actually hear people's voice once in a while. 

You're already getting together regularly, which is great, especially with the distance. You also have the paperwork started; another step forward.

Make a lot of new memories and express to him how those memories new and old have embedded themselves in your life. He'll always be a thought/photo/video away. Maybe start a sibling diary, of sorts.

Do you have others in your life for emotional support that live near you or whom you can call? 

I'm certainly not one to suggest alternative treatments but if there's anything you two can do together ie; massage, acupuncture, anything relaxing, fun or new, by all means live it up. 

My city has a senior center and fairly regular community events around town focused on aging and caregivers. These are always accommodating (and free) whereas concerts, plays, etc you have to check. 

When you feel up to it, research hospices to find the best one for him. 

Best wishes and I hope you're feeling better. 

 

JILL SYDNOR

CatPerson said:

Call him regularly

How often do you normally talk to him? If it's not too out of character, I'd call daily or every other day just to say hi or tell him about your day and vice versa. If anything that day reminded you of y'alls childhood or your parents, etc. The tv shows you've watched that day, a bumper sticker you saw on the car in front of you, whatever. Reminisce or suggest what to do next week. My Mom (homebound) calls my Dad in PT Rehab a few times a day just to see what he had for breakfast/dinner, how his latest appointment went, what she did that day or to vent. 

Of course, there's social media but it's just nice to actually hear people's voice once in a while. 

You're already getting together regularly, which is great, especially with the distance. You also have the paperwork started; another step forward.

Make a lot of new memories and express to him how those memories new and old have embedded themselves in your life. He'll always be a thought/photo/video away. Maybe start a sibling diary, of sorts.

Do you have others in your life for emotional support that live near you or whom you can call? 

I'm certainly not one to suggest alternative treatments but if there's anything you two can do together ie; massage, acupuncture, anything relaxing, fun or new, by all means live it up. 

My city has a senior center and fairly regular community events around town focused on aging and caregivers. These are always accommodating (and free) whereas concerts, plays, etc you have to check. 

When you feel up to it, research hospices to find the best one for him. 

Best wishes and I hope you're feeling better. 

 

Thank you, Cat Person, for

Thank you, Cat Person, for all of your suggestions and kind words.  We've been spending a lot of time together and I call him every day.  Don't really care if he thinks that I'm a pest or not at this point.  I'm driving down tomorrow and if he's feeling up to it we will go out for a bite to eat.  Alan likes to go to the Venice Jetty to look at the water.  Maybe we'll do that again.  With him being sick that's about the extent of our outings.  I've offered to take a travel wheelchair if there's any place that he would like to go...

I have a really great boyfriend.  We've been together for 9 years.  He tries to be as supportive as possible.  And I'm lucky to have a couple of very close friends.  But some days I just feel so alone.  I can't get past the overwhelming sadness or the hopelessness feelings.  I cry a lot.  I cry in the shower and I cry when I'm doing dishes and I cry when I'm in my office (I work from home).  I went for my annual GYN checkup today and actually cried in the doctor's office.  Did I mention that I cry a lot?

Millions of people have gone thru the same thing that I'm going thru and they did it - so can I.  Knowing that helps tremendously.  Knowing that other people know how I feel helps.  People like you, that reach out, help.  So thank you, again!

Jill