Depression?

dwp155

So you go to bed with the best intentions for a new day tomorrow, then tomorrow comes and you lay in bed trying to decide if you really feel like getting up or rolling over and after rolling over you get out of bed at 1:00 and face that day full of promise only to realize that you feel like the same slug you did yesterday.  I eat, take a walk then come in to park it on the couch worn out. 10 weeks post treatment 36 radiation, 6 cisplatin and my motivation is still nil.  I have talked to my "team" and read the boards and everything points to "you are just where you are supposed to be." No pain, taste coming back some energy but I keep having these feelings of guilt.  I see my wife get up every morning to go to work and try to keep the laundry done and the house clean but that seems to be all that I have. I can't tell if it is depression or just where our bodies and minds are at 10 weeks.  I am grateful to be on the road to a cure, I have faith that it's God's plan and have made a therapy appointment.  I guess I am asking where you are and are these feelings normal?

Peneloppe

Hi,  my husband is 14 weeks

Hi,  my husband is 14 weeks out of treatment and feel about the same you do.  From the moment you got your diagnostic to the end of treatments you had no time to think, you had to go with the flow while being surrounded by a whole team of people.  Now once the dust is settling your emotions are bubbling up.  It is a little like post traumatic stress.  If you have some follow up consultations, mention how you feel, they will help you deal with it.

 

ps what you feel is legitimate, valid, normal, cancer is a traumatic event.

 

best wishes

MikefromWinthrop

depression

10 weeks, we are at the same point. What i noticed is once rads stopped, you see the doctors less, after seeing someone from your team every day, a feeling of abandonment, I felt this, I also felt guilt towards my wife, but she refused to allow it. Now i am refusing to allow it, I also refuse to accept the "new" Normal, and have begun to dowhat i used to do, back to construction next week, 2 weeks ago back to the gym, working out now almost as hard as BC, before cancer. 

 I go to swallow therapy one more time, but I have been eating the most difficult items for 3 weeks now, forcing myself to swallow steak without any water, and to my surprise, that feeling of something caught in my throat is going away. In 2 weeks, waders on, I will be early spring fly fishing again, and currently customizing my kayak for next month, going for northern pike. 

 I had 35 rads, and cisplatin, it sucked, but now I am drug free, eating better than I expected, and getting excited about going back to my Old Normal.

I understand many have had more difficult treatments, as my father was squamous cell bot, 1 node involved 5 years ago, same exact node as mine, and he , at 75, went back to being a volunteer fire fighter a year after treatment, and sill is at 79. We must find our own way to break the shackles this disease puts on us, it will happen, be patient, try and do what made you happy before diagnosis. 

Sprint Car Dude

You are Normal

I was the same way for 4-5 months. Heck, I am a year out and still get tired about one day a week. My saliva has increased, my food selections have increased and I hit the gym 6 days a week. You have the right attitude and will be doing more each day. 

CivilMatt

NO DEPRESSION in Matt Land

dwp 155,

You are most likely normal, making your way to your new normal.  It is a bit early, but keep tabs on your Thyroid, it can be a big energy suck if it goes bad.

I was always happy with the little things, like tasting and eating anything.  There were  so many things on the foods to avoid I had lots of room for making improvements.

If I were you (and I once was) I would not let your post cancer blues ruin what could be a very enjoyable recovery.

Matt

patricke

NORMAL FEELINGS

Yep, those are normal feelings.  Treatment, to state the oh so obvious, does quite the nunber on your body, mind, and emotions, so yes, your feelings are normal. Treatment and recovery are a marathon, so pace yourself.  Way back when I was at your point in the process, I wondered if I would ever be able to walk around the block without feeling wiped out, much less be able to get back to the running that I had done for much of my life.  You'll get there, but it does take patience and persistence, one day at at time, as the adage goes.  I'm a few years out now, and last weekend I had the great joy of car camping, and going on an 11 mile hike in the wilds of south central Florida,      in the KICCO (pronounced kiss'so) Wildlife Management Area, which I absolutely could not have imagined doing at 10 weeks post treatment.  I suggest letting go of the guilt, since your job at this time is recovery.  You will have plenty of time, down the road, to get back into the regular activities of life.  So, do what you can, and keep it mov'in forward.  As you said, you are where you are supposed to be.

Patrick      

Dean54

I can sure relate to the depression part

Like others have said, while you are in treatment you are so busy with all the apts. you don't have time to be depressed but when they are over, reality kicks in and the thoughts of, am I cured or not? Also for me anyway, when I had to get off the steroids and especially the pain meds is when the depression really kicked in.

Also I think, since I can't really eat yet and my throat seems to be getting worse instead of better the seeds of doubt have been planted really deep like this might be the "new normal". I know it takes time but I can really say I believe that things might improve taste wise, but I will NEVER enjoy food like I used to.

Energy is ok, exercising daily altho the dry mouth is really bad during it but the excessive mucous especially at nite is a real problem. Keeps me from getting a good nites sleep for sure.

Maybe if I get positive results from my first PET scan and get this tube out my mood will improve. I can only hope.

Curlyn

I only had radiation on one

I only had radiation on one side so side effects not quite as bad. Was told that most people power down after the whirlwind treatment, and while it is okay to a point, don't get caught up in doing nothing. Easy for them to say, I found. Coming off the steroids and narcotics gave me an all time low, similar to what I'd heard other people describe. But anytime I felt dizzy or weak (also enough to make one feel depressed), even now at 13 wks out, I takek advice from these boards and drink more high calorie drinks/fluids/food. Mood is so tied to physical well being and comfort so the gym helps, what I am used to as " normal". Leave the housework, it will always be there. And on a positive note, I had an excellent check up result yesterday- if I can have that, you can too!

 

 

Curlyn

Dean54 said:

I can sure relate to the depression part

Like others have said, while you are in treatment you are so busy with all the apts. you don't have time to be depressed but when they are over, reality kicks in and the thoughts of, am I cured or not? Also for me anyway, when I had to get off the steroids and especially the pain meds is when the depression really kicked in.

Also I think, since I can't really eat yet and my throat seems to be getting worse instead of better the seeds of doubt have been planted really deep like this might be the "new normal". I know it takes time but I can really say I believe that things might improve taste wise, but I will NEVER enjoy food like I used to.

Energy is ok, exercising daily altho the dry mouth is really bad during it but the excessive mucous especially at nite is a real problem. Keeps me from getting a good nites sleep for sure.

Maybe if I get positive results from my first PET scan and get this tube out my mood will improve. I can only hope.

Dean, I felt just like you

Dean, I felt just like you about swallowing and food. But like I said below, I only had radiation to one side. So maybe shorter recovery...not sure. What I do know is that I had extensive surgery that damaged nerves and removed muscle that I used for swallowing. It's taken a good 6 months of me progressively swallowing more and more. Now, I don't have a problem- think of swallowing as physio for your throat! Even if some days you can't swallow much. Taste came back more slowly and I have to admit that the smell of some food still nauseates me. * one thing I wanted to throw out is that sometimes when they first do PET scans, they seem to find very tiny lung nodules that turn out to be nothing, or infection- makes me wonder if it's from all the aspiration we inadvertently might do when our throat still swollen...Hang in there Dean. 

OKCnative

For me personally, the first

For me personally, the first couple of weeks after treatment I felt worse in many ways than I did during treatment. However, by the second month I had rounded the corner and was feeling pretty good. Now at 4 month post treatment I'm pretty much normal besides some dry mouth and I still feel a tiny lump when I swallow (most likely scar tissue). Taste is 100% and energy is 100%. I know others that took about 6-12 months before they felt pretty much 'normal' again. The path is longer or shorter depending on lots of different variables (age, overall health, mindset, activity level, etc.). Good Luck!

dwp155

Thanks!

I appreciate all the feedback and good wishes.  I will take the advice and start pushing to normal - I will keep you informed

Frances_S

Depression

Hello,

My husband is almost 2 months post treatment. I would say from his diagnosis to approximately 5 weeks post treatment he was very depressed and is just starting to feel more like himself. He is just starting to get up at 6:30 am, but he is in bed by 8 pm.  His energy is still low and he doesn't nap anymore. Each day he does a little more than the day before. He will be starting another construction project in mid March and is looking forward to getting back to work. It is winter here in NY, so it's hard for him to go anywhere, because he can't take the cold. It takes him a very long time to warm up.  We have been out to dinner 2 times with friends. The first time was two Fridays ago and he was so exhausted he barely spoke. Last Friday he was more like himself. He is looking forward to going out this Friday night. He is now able to eat just about anything, with the help of a swallowing therapist. He is off of all of his meds, can taste most foods, but still has very little saliva.

I believe staying busy is the best therapy so tomorrow we are watching our granddaughter and her new baby sister. This I am sure will make us both exhausted and will be a good day for both of us.

I thank God everyday for his progress. It's been a long road for all of you. Just take one day at a time.

Dean54

Curlyn said:

Dean, I felt just like you

Dean, I felt just like you about swallowing and food. But like I said below, I only had radiation to one side. So maybe shorter recovery...not sure. What I do know is that I had extensive surgery that damaged nerves and removed muscle that I used for swallowing. It's taken a good 6 months of me progressively swallowing more and more. Now, I don't have a problem- think of swallowing as physio for your throat! Even if some days you can't swallow much. Taste came back more slowly and I have to admit that the smell of some food still nauseates me. * one thing I wanted to throw out is that sometimes when they first do PET scans, they seem to find very tiny lung nodules that turn out to be nothing, or infection- makes me wonder if it's from all the aspiration we inadvertently might do when our throat still swollen...Hang in there Dean. 

Thanks Curlyn. Maybe I'll

Thanks Curlyn. Maybe I'll have some good news to report after my scan today. I've been forcing myself to eat some soup everyday along with my liquid nutrition and my working out is getting so much better.

But, had a swollen place pop up underneath my chin this week and figured it was a lymphedema you guys have mention in previous posts that you are dealing with. Add my name to that list. UGH.

fishmanpa

To be expected

I suffered from some depression and "scanxiety" after my treatment. It's to be expected after such a traumatic experience. I sought some help and did one on one therapy as well as some CBT. I also had a "chill pill" to help get me through some of of the rough spots as well. 

I highly recommend therapy. To be able to have an outlet for your feelings and to gain insight and perspective was quite valuable. i still use some of the techniques I learned in everyday life situations.

Positive thoughts and prayers

"T"

 

daisiblanchard

Depression is not at all

Depression is not at all pretty. I have seen people hurting themselves because of suffering from depression. One of my friends was suffering from Depression since 1 year, then on someone's advice he consulted at http://www.martine-voyance.com/deontologie/ and shared his great experience. One can check it Online.

AnotherSurvivor

I spent part of this winter

I spent part of this winter wondering if I was depressed.  My HMO has a monthly support meeting and last month was a shrink who specializes in D who pronounced me undepressed (also probably not a sociopath, given the politics of the last couple of years I've wondered, so I asked).  She did note that I seemed to have an attitude when it comes to authority figures...  Since physically I feel okay, still some weirdness with saliva, I actually managed to get the neck sag into remission but it came back, I have concluded at this point it is not how you feel, but how you feel about how you feel.  

Thus my recommendation is get up 'early' (8AM is good), and get out, get active, enjoy the Spring.  For me the best cure for the blaas is always sunlight.  Right now I'm looking a Spring ski day #4 and find my attitude and activity level coming up fast.  Eventually I will have to go home and work, which is actually legitimately something that does cause depression, but NOT TODAY.