angry,sad,daily life vs big picture :(

phuckcancer

I find myself working full time, then working full time at home to take care of everything he used to ..but has since stopped ..and then also handle all the medical info, visits, etc.

I can't say that I do not find time for myself because I do. It's one thing I read early on that was a must to do for ones self. I have guilt there at times as well but forge through it. I have to, for my own sanity.

We have been rocky for so many years and when this happened I tried to just let it all go .. not sweat the stuff that used to have us irritated or argue with one another. I have given in a lot over the past two years because in the grand scheme of life, does it really matter? no, not really... BUT ... over the holidays he has really pushed my buttons. I was so livid this morning, after another episode last night, I left home early and didn't even speak a word.
It makes me crazy thinking that i can get so rattled with things while he has "C"

How do I (we) be 'human' and have feelings while at the same time just "let it go"? It's so difficult!

betula

Hugs to you

I don't  even know what to say.  I came on here to post something similar to yours.  I have no answers for you just know that  you are not alone. 

My husband is 48, I am 51.  We have two kids 15 and 12.  He is done treatment but struggles with side effects from treatment.  I struggle with not becoming completely co-dependent with what he is going through.  I feel I am constantly asking if he is okay when he seems in a bad mood, how are you feeling, how  is the neuropathy, worring about what he puts in his mouth, is he doing what he can to be as healthy as he can, etc, etc.  It has been this way a long time as he has had numerous back surgeries so I have always been the one to pick up the slack when is he not feeling good.  To say this sounds so selfish but darn it....what about me?  Would love someone to ask how I am feeling and to show concern for me.  Sounds so freaking selfish and cannot discuss my feelings about this with him because then he just gets defensive.  I just have to emotionally step back sometimes and take a 'time out" so to speak. 

I am sorry for turning your post into the one that I wanted to post.  Just trying to explain my situation to show you are not alone in your struggles.  

phuckcancer

betula...

I am so sorry for you also. It's just so difficult!! I have a couple of my friends who "ask how I am doing" but not one of his family has ever asked me how I am. It's so odd..
We just have to remember that we are doing what our hearts tell us to do and stay strong BUT also know that we do have to find ways to keep our own sanity (well, what we have left :P )

I ask mine how he is doing and as soon as the words come out of my mouth I just know I am going to get the "well ok besides dying of C" . ugh...


(((((hugs))))))