Posted on another forum but would like to post here :(

Jtchristy Member Posts: 12
edited December 2017 in Caregivers #1

I posted here a in regards to my boyfriend with stage 4 kidney cancer  (Thank you everyone for your response I have been having problems posting)…

 He had a  doctor appointment after his first round of chemo to get a prognosis and that week he had me at arm’s length and two days after his doctor appointment (Which he claimed everything was GREAT) he told me we were done. He would not say why or what I had done wrong. I was astounded and devastated. We never had any fights except when he first got diagnosed and it was hard for us, but we got along well, I treated him like a king and he was my best friend. I feel completely used and since we were having sex regularly I wonder if I was just a piece of meat to him. 

 He began bar hopping with his buddies and doing favors for everyone on the planet, stopped eating healthy and stopped exercising. (We weekly shopped for healthy foods and went to the gym a few times a week and he asked for my input on things in order to aid in beating his cancer. 

 I have not heard from him in over two weeks. We went from seeing each other all the time to now nothing. This happened about two months ago where, once again, everything was going good when he said he couldn’t be in a relationship due to his cancer and we took a break; however we still communicated via text and he reached out after a week saying he missed me and wanted me in his life. 

 His Christmas presents are still under my tree; I still can’t decide whether to reach out to him? Donate them? Give them to others?

 I am beyond devastated, he is out partying while I am a here feeling like I was used and disregarded like a piece of trash. I have all my might to not text him and blast him. We have mutual friends who reach out to me; but want to call him to find out why he did this and/or are pushing me to call him. I am stopping myself from reaching out to him because it is too hard and I know that I cannot hold it together. 

 I recently heard that his sister said he is “VERY VERY SICK” and I don’t know if he has lied to me about his prognosis. One friend confided to another that she doesn’t want to reach out to me because I start crying and she doesn’t want to be upset over Christmas. I was told by some friends that I am selfish, saying “You are not the once with cancer.” But I would have stayed with him until the end!!!!

 I don’t know what to do. One of my coworkers told me that I am better off and told me of two stories of two gay couples (We have gay marriage in our state and this was prior to that) who dealt with this situation, one story the sick man ended the relationship with his boyfriend because he didn’t want him to watch him die and he died alone. The second story was the boyfriend took care of his sick boyfriend before he died, the family came into the mix and booted the boyfriend out of their home and took all the possessions…Hence you’re better off speech….but I am not so sure….

 So here I am, devastated while he is out partying, posting on Facebook and Twitter about how great his life is and I was disregarded like a piece of trash. So basically this Christmas sucks for me. Sorry if I sound like a Debbie downer…


  • Maxie0628
    Maxie0628 Member Posts: 13
    Sounds to me like...

    He doesn't want you around to see the end. Unless his sister would lie about something like that? But I guess I would question why she would? I guess I would put myself in his shoes and ask how hard it would be to be dying and have the person you love watch. Maybe I'm just being too nice...but it seems like he's pulling away and trying to make you angry/sad so you'll stay away while he goes through this. My husband has kidney cancer too, and he had his kidney removed earlier this year. In December they found a lesion on one of his bones so we are in teh throws of testing and all that terrible stuff. I would never leave or not be here for him...but there are times when I think for a split second...what it would be like to have a different life? Is that selfish...probably. Then I quickly revert to that this is the only life I would ever want and I would choose it 1000x over. In your case I see this as him trying to push you away. If you need to talk I'm here.

  • Jtchristy
    Jtchristy Member Posts: 12
    edited December 2017 #3
    Thank you

    Hello Maxie,

    Thank you.  I don't think his sister would lie about that.  I recently found out that he knew about the cancer long before he told me.  He asked family not to tell me, as he would tell me in his own way because he didn't want me to leave him (Yet he left me?? incredulous!!)

    He too, lost his kidney.  They took out three cancerous tumors, one in the kidney taken out, one in a lymph node taken out and one on his vein leading to his heart (He told me they were benign tumors).   As far as I know another tumor appeared on his adrenal gland on his remaining kidney.

    I am still reeling over this yet I write in my spare time and gave it up to be a secondary caregiver to him, so I have begun writing again.  Good luck to you and your husband.  God bless.

  • jorola
    jorola Member Posts: 243 Member

    you deserve to be treated better. Look what this relationship is doing to you. Relationships...real love...should never be that much work, work (yet i speak from a 12 year relatioinship ship that feels so good and natural and never seems like work at all) yes but not to that degree. And by work I mean the emotional side of it and it should go both ways. Seriously do you really ever see it getting better with him? Do you not worry, even if the cancer was gone, that stuff like this won't keep happening? My heart goes out to you as you are hurting. My opinion is that you need to move on and wait till you meet someone where it is a healthy relationship so you can live, laugh and love instead of stress and cry. He has family to care for him and if the worst happens it is sad regardless of how he has treated you but he really wanted you there he would never have done this - not in a healthy relationship. Don't settle, don't sacrafice anything as you deserve more and better. I wish for you to find real love and a relatioinship like I have - it can happen. Trust me.

  • Jtchristy
    Jtchristy Member Posts: 12
    edited January 2018 #5
    Thank you

    Thank you for your replies.  I have found out what happened with him and will be posting shortly. Long story short he wants me back.  Old news.....

  • Jtchristy
    Jtchristy Member Posts: 12
    edited January 2018 #6

    So I found out that bf was told in the beginning of November that he had six months to live. He told a few close personal friends and family, but not me.  They were told not to tell me. 

    He reached out to me on Xmas and New Year’s and I did not respond. 

    Now his health status has changed where his chemo treatment has changed to something more potent until next January; meaning he is not going anywhere in 6 months. 

    On Monday he reached out to a friend and told her that he loves me and wants to get back with me.  He said that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, I helped him greatly and he missed me. He also kept contacting her to find out if she spoke to me yet following the day they talked as she had not had time to reach out to me. 

    She told me that I need to “forgive and forget” and reach out to him.  I told her that I am not reaching out to him and would be open to meeting for coffee and chat he knows where to find me. 

    I have trust issues to begin with and in a perfect world we would get back together yesterday and live happily ever after.  BUT I DO NOT TRUST HIM and without trust I don’t think this will work since he needs to concentrate on his health and not worry about my trust issues.

    I feel if he could tell his close friends/family he could tell me; even if he wanted to break up for a while I would understand, tell him I am here if he needs me and walk out with pride, not humiliation that he has bestowed upon me.

    Around that time I bumped into one of his former coworkers asked how things were since he was “on his death bed,” and I told him he was not on his death bed and was doing well.  What a fool I must have looked like!!!!!

    I’m sorry if I sound like a nasty person by saying this but I feel that I deserved the truth. 

    So this is where I stand, trying to move forward.  He has not reached out to me since my conversation with our mutual friend.  I feel bad for him and wish him the best, but I do not think I can ever trust/get back to the way we were.  It’s a shame since we could really of had a great relationship. 

  • Jtchristy
    Jtchristy Member Posts: 12
    edited June 2018 #7

    Hi everyone thanks for the replies.  Bf and I got back together and are doing well. We started out as friends, stepped it up to casual dating to now back in a committed relationship.  He is doing well albeit feeling lousy with his treatments. 

    Things are going really well for us and the fact that he was told that he had six months to live was a rumor.  He has been including me with his health information and even inviting me along to his visits. 

    BF said that after his diagnosis he hit rock bottom and after we broke up he realized he wanted me in his life but was afraid that his health would get worse and I would not stick around.  I told him I am not going anywhere and will be with him until the end. 

    That being said, we are living day by day and enjoying time we have.  We are going away in July (He surprised me with a weekend getaway) and I can't wait!!!

    Once again thanks for the replies and God Bless :)

    "She told me that I need to “forgive and forget” and reach out to him. I told her that I am not reaching out to him and would be open to meeting for coffee and chat he knows where to find me. I have trust issues to begin with and in a perfect world we would get back together yesterday and live happily ever after. BUT I DO NOT TRUST HIM and without trust I don’t think this will work since he needs to concentrate on his health and not worry about my trust issues."

    I wrote that on my earlier post but we talked through our issues and I understand what he was going through and I feel like I can trust him :)