It can stop any time now...really.

Wisteria83

First, let me apologize for the length of this post.  It's not a novel, but a short story:

I am so done.  With all of this.  I'm tired.  So damn tired.  4 months post CA tx and 3 days post back surgery.  I'm so, so ready to have it all just stop and be finished with.   I'm sitting here in my bed bawling my eyes out for probably no good reason except that I'm feeling sorry for myself and I haven't had a BM since a tiny one last Tuesday, and now I have another damned grape.  (My affectionate term for an external hemorrhoid.)  At least I think that's what it is.  I don't know for sure since it just showed up yesterday and it's getting more uncomfortable by the hour it seems.  The last time I had one of these, the dr. said it was a thrombosed hemorrhoid, sent me to a surgeon who did the hemorrhoid surgery and diagnosed me with anal cancer for bonus points.  

I saw my rad onc two weeks ago for my first post tx DRE and vaginal exam.  He didn't feel the tumor but he did feel "lumps and bumps" anally and vaginally which he said could be just scar tissue from tx.  He said he felt optimistic despite the exam being inconclusive.  He ordered a PET scan which I ended up cancelling because I had a conflicting appointment for a new MRI and EMG for my back. (Sciatica)  PET scan was rescheduled, and again I cancelled it, this time because the previous day I had an appointment with the neurosurgeon to discuss the MRI & EMG results and surgery pro's and con's, and then I had to get pre-op tests done that same afternoon.  This required making two trips into and out of town, 40 minutes each way, because my two appointments were 5 hours apart, and there was no way I was going to stay in town, sitting in my car for all that time, in so much pain.  Taking a walk around the mall wasn't an option.   It was a very long day for me, riding in the car and feeling every bump in the road. I was miserable, exhausted and in agony.  Cancer was no longer front and center of my life temporarily, it was all about my back and my leg screaming at me in pain.  If you've never experienced nerve pain, it's difficult to describe.  There is simply no comparison to "regular" pain.  Narcotics does not even touch it.

I had my back surgery this past Thursday.  On the bright side, I no longer have the sciatica pain, so the surgery (Laminectomy and diskectomy at L4-5 and L5-S1) worked like a charm.  My back hurts like the dickens, but because it's from surgery, I know it will be relatively short lived pain, NOW I can reschedule the PET scan and actually get it done.

 I also cancelled the appointment I had for 9/5 with the colo-rectal surgeon for the anoscopy, anticipating that I won't be in any shape so soon after having surgery to have it done.  

 

Now, back to my "Grape."  Like I already said, I've been constipated since last Tuesday.  I've tried everything I can think of to get things moving again, but nothing has worked.  The only thing I haven't tried is an enema.  I think that I'll need to go that route tomorrow if things don't improve.  I'm just not sure how to go about doing it when I can barely move.   To go from having 5-6 BM's a day to zero is more than a little distressing, and now I have this grape to contend with.  It's tender to the touch, and about 1.5 cm.  I'd like to say it came out of nowhere...but obviously, it came out of somewhere.  I have not strained to have a bowel movement and pushed it out, I haven't had any bleeding and it's not a different color than the rest of the skin around my anus.  I'm not sure which doctor I should call about this. 

I'm sick and fed up with this one thing after another nonsense.  When's it going to stop? Thank you all for listening to my pity party rant.  I so appreciate having people understand.

mp327

Wisteria

While it's impossible for me to feel your degree of pain, as someone who has suffered from back pain for many, many years (even before cancer), I know how debilitating it can be and my heart goes out to you.  Add to that recovering from surgery and having this new concern, I don't blame you for wanting to rant.  Obviously, the sooner you can get this "grape" looked at, the better.  My inclination would be to see your colorectal surgeon as soon as you are physically able.  Hopefully, this turns out to be only a hemorrhoid and nothing else.  I would also try to get the PET scan resceduled as soon as you are able to tolerate it. 

As for the sudden change in bowel habits, I too experience that, even 9 years out of treatment.  One day I can have diarrhea, the next day and two or three following it, only rabbit pellets.  I really do not understand how that happens.  My diet doesn't vary too much, except when I am on a trip, so I really can't figure it out.  

I really do get how you are SO over this.  The human body can only tolerate so much pain before our will to keep getting up each day and dealing with it all begins to be compromised.  I do hope you will improve enough very soon from your surgery to have these other exams/tests done so that you can find out what is going on.  My thoughts and prayers are with you as you deal with all of this.  Hugs! 

Wellzen

Sorry you are having such a

Sorry you are having such a hard day. I hope you improve each day and find answers.....

Jane s

So sorry

Thinking of you,  so sorry you are in so much pain.  At least it will be short lived,  as you say.  Pain is the worst,  even if the meds don't help the pain,  can they at least help to knock you out?   There's no need for you to be present for this.