Caregiver, Girl friend, breast cancer, more angry at me every day, now scary!

smith154
smith154 Member Posts: 4

Hello,

I feel bad about writing about my problem.  I have ready so much with much much worse situations.  Bare with me as I say, poor me.  I feel this is so selfish.  But I believe my relationship is over and I just want to understand what happened.

 

I met her a little over a year ago.  She was amazing and at the time we did not know what was about to happen.  Finding cancer in her breast.  She was like no other woman I have ever met.  Perfectly compatable.  We matched so well she moved in with me.  Every day we did everything together with amazing feelings.  A few months went by after she moved inn we found out  her dad was diagnosed with cancer. She planned to fly out and see him.  Before she left I found a lump in her breast and asked her to get that checked out while she was at the hospitle for her dad.  She did and it was diagnosed as cancer.  At first we worked together finding the perfect hospitle and doctor.  after a short time she started to become mad at me, feeling I did not care she has cancer and I was not researching hard enough.  When she shouted at me I would wrap my arms around her and hold her close.  I would rub her back and neck saying "It's going to be ok, come back to me hun.".  When I first start holding her she would fight but slowly calm down and lay her head against me chest and hold me tight.  I hurt so bad inside and scared as a rabbit about to be eaten.  I did not want to show her did not, share me horrbile feelings of fear.  I wanted to give her confidence and a calm stong person to hold onto.  As time passed, she had her surgery to remove the cancerous lump.  More complications came up and multiple levels of stress including getting doctors papers to different doctors and a second surgery because they did not get it all.  Seeing her in the hospital in the bed mad me want to cry so bad.  But I just show her a confident person being by her side.  So far my problem this story is about has not been told yet.

Over time she now learned her sister has cancer in her lung.  My god! this poor girl!  What horror!  The stress on this person is like I have never seen or heard of before.  After her surgery and doctor's review her case it was determined she did not need kemo, but did need radation treatment.  After this she was placed on hormone medication.  This is when I think when the night mare started.  I did not recognize it yet.  As I wrote in the past when she became upset I was able to calm her down.  After time it became harder and harder.  My dog was the first target.  She became to hat me dog.  Then I became her target.  At first she would say lots of things to hurt me calling me anything to cut me down and cause pain.  So far I was still able to calm her down.  But it was getting very hard.  It took more and more time to do it.  Now this is when it get real nasty.  She would get mad and things I would say or do that would not affect any other person that I know of.  My gosh I bought a watch for my mom and she flipped that my mom does not deserve that quality of watch and I spend to much money on her.  Can you say wow.  When she would yell at me now she would stand inches from my face yelling so hard that spit was coming out of her mouth into my face.  At this point it was nearly impossible to calm her down but still, it was possible.  Bare with me.  It gets worse.  Eventually she would start threatening to call the police saying horrible things that I would have to prove I did nothing of the sort.  My god what was happening to this wonderful person I use to know.  At this point I was no allowed to have any attention placed on anything else but her.  If I didn't she would attack.  At the end she was holding the phone saying she was going to call the police, I just walked out and went to a friends house.  I was and am scared to go home.  I actually had a police escort to get some close and bedding from my own apartment.  I am told by the police that I should not go back there unless I have them escort me!  I asked him how to get her out of there and he said get a lawyer and have her evicted.  The day I left she wrote my dad 69 times with threats, she wrote my mom multiple times threatening her, she wrote me and left multiple threatening voice mails.  She even came to my work place to talk to me and my human resorces person sent her away. 

At this point everyone mom, dad, word, lawyer, and police say to stay away from her and get her out of my life.  What the heck happened to my true love.  She started to calm down over days, I see that in her Emails she sends me.  But really never recognizes what she has become and how scared I am of her.  She has taken over my apartment and I am in an attach of a friends house with my dog.  I have a spring mattress to sleep on with stuff pushed asside for space for that.  I wrote back to her on one of her better Emails saying I will meet her inside a nice resturant of her choice after work.  I know that person I love is inside that body and something has turned her into this monster that she does not see.  Everyone I know would kill me if I got back with her.  In my mind she is still there being held captive by something I don't understand.  I need my home back very very soon or I will be living in my car.  If I did go back to her I would be placing myself at great risk and loose all respect from everyone I know, my lawyer would drop me in a heart beat.  But I do love who she was before this horror of a world she now lives in. I understand that anger inside her.  I was in a life or deather situation once and I was a complete...... (bad person).

 

I wish someone had those majig words that made this good and of course this is why I am writing a short version of what has happend so far.  Sorry about all the typos and spelling errors.  I am just to pooped to care right now.  Thank you for reading this and if there are any thoughts I would love to hear.

Comments

  • Catholic
    Catholic Member Posts: 86
    From my experiences, this is

    From my experiences, this is normal behavior.  My wife was diagnosed with cancer when she was 36 but she should have went
    to the clinic 5 years sooner.  My wife exhibited really bad behavior for years and my wife as well called the police on me many
    times.  We have 3 kids and having the police come over because your wife is falsely accusing you is a really crappy feeling.  And
    my wife accussed me of really bad things right in front of the kids which I immensely disliked it. 

    When my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, the tide turned.  My wife's sister apologized for "not helping" because of all
    people, my wife's sister continued to support her and blame me through all of her bad behavior.

    Did your girlfriend begin chemotherapy and/or hormone therapy?  If so, you can be supportive through that.  From my experiences,
    my wife began letting me speak and listening to me when she was going through chemotherapy and hormone therapy and that
    lasted for 11 months.  Also, for the record, my wife left during that time and lived in an apartment for one-year.  But I called her
    regularly and brought her food and gave her rides where ever she wanted during that time.  We talked by phone and that was
    probably the first time we talked in 2 1/2 years.

    > But I do love who she was before this horror of a world she now lives in.

    The caregiver role is very difficult. 

     

  • smith154
    smith154 Member Posts: 4
    Catholic said:

    From my experiences, this is

    From my experiences, this is normal behavior.  My wife was diagnosed with cancer when she was 36 but she should have went
    to the clinic 5 years sooner.  My wife exhibited really bad behavior for years and my wife as well called the police on me many
    times.  We have 3 kids and having the police come over because your wife is falsely accusing you is a really crappy feeling.  And
    my wife accussed me of really bad things right in front of the kids which I immensely disliked it. 

    When my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, the tide turned.  My wife's sister apologized for "not helping" because of all
    people, my wife's sister continued to support her and blame me through all of her bad behavior.

    Did your girlfriend begin chemotherapy and/or hormone therapy?  If so, you can be supportive through that.  From my experiences,
    my wife began letting me speak and listening to me when she was going through chemotherapy and hormone therapy and that
    lasted for 11 months.  Also, for the record, my wife left during that time and lived in an apartment for one-year.  But I called her
    regularly and brought her food and gave her rides where ever she wanted during that time.  We talked by phone and that was
    probably the first time we talked in 2 1/2 years.

    > But I do love who she was before this horror of a world she now lives in.

    The caregiver role is very difficult. 

     

    Thank you so much for sharing

    Thank you so much for sharing. I thought I was alone in this way. She started hormone therapy.  Without any professional confirmation, I think this is one of the reasons she is this way. 

  • smith154
    smith154 Member Posts: 4
    Catholic said:

    From my experiences, this is

    From my experiences, this is normal behavior.  My wife was diagnosed with cancer when she was 36 but she should have went
    to the clinic 5 years sooner.  My wife exhibited really bad behavior for years and my wife as well called the police on me many
    times.  We have 3 kids and having the police come over because your wife is falsely accusing you is a really crappy feeling.  And
    my wife accussed me of really bad things right in front of the kids which I immensely disliked it. 

    When my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, the tide turned.  My wife's sister apologized for "not helping" because of all
    people, my wife's sister continued to support her and blame me through all of her bad behavior.

    Did your girlfriend begin chemotherapy and/or hormone therapy?  If so, you can be supportive through that.  From my experiences,
    my wife began letting me speak and listening to me when she was going through chemotherapy and hormone therapy and that
    lasted for 11 months.  Also, for the record, my wife left during that time and lived in an apartment for one-year.  But I called her
    regularly and brought her food and gave her rides where ever she wanted during that time.  We talked by phone and that was
    probably the first time we talked in 2 1/2 years.

    > But I do love who she was before this horror of a world she now lives in.

    The caregiver role is very difficult. 

     

    I have re-read your message a

    I have re-read your message a couple of times now. And your journey has been a horrible one. With children and a marriage.  My girlfriend is a girlfriend and we have no children. I am so sorry your struggle is so bad and painful. I admire your determination and commitment to your wife and family. I hope I can be even some what as strong as you have been. Right now I am in my car looking up at a blue sky wondering what life is about and what to do next. Thinking how can talk to her with out putting myself at risk and making her angery. What level of anger will she reach next. Will I have a place to stay tonight or the next. I'm blown away I can't even go home to my apartment that I am the only one on the lease, pay all bills, and lived there along time before I even new her. 

  • Catholic
    Catholic Member Posts: 86
    edited September 2017 #5
    smith154 said:

    I have re-read your message a

    I have re-read your message a couple of times now. And your journey has been a horrible one. With children and a marriage.  My girlfriend is a girlfriend and we have no children. I am so sorry your struggle is so bad and painful. I admire your determination and commitment to your wife and family. I hope I can be even some what as strong as you have been. Right now I am in my car looking up at a blue sky wondering what life is about and what to do next. Thinking how can talk to her with out putting myself at risk and making her angery. What level of anger will she reach next. Will I have a place to stay tonight or the next. I'm blown away I can't even go home to my apartment that I am the only one on the lease, pay all bills, and lived there along time before I even new her. 

    > She started hormone therapy

    > She started hormone therapy. 

    How long does chemotherapy and hormone therapy last?  What drugs is she taking?  I remember the oncologists listing off the drugs
    she recommended my wife to take and I didnt pay attention.  Later I looked up the drug taxomifen which my wife took and its a really
    powerful drug that can cause cancer in certain cases (go look it up).  Each of those drugs has side effects and rage or
    mood swings and nausea are common side effects.

    My wife did hormone therapy for 3 months and chemotherapy for 8 months.

    > Right now I am in my car looking up at a blue sky wondering what life is about and what to do next. 

    I can layout your tentative future.  From my experiences, the drugs she takes are really powerful and she will want to sleep.  After the
    first 6 weeks, she will lose her hair and that will be dramatic for her.  If you want to do something, go get some hats now.  I got my
    wife 2 hats and she discarded both.  When she lost her hair, she found one and she wore it every day.  There are websites that sell
    special hats that cover the head in a way that you cant tell that the person doesnt have hair.  Get some of those hats now.

    The medicine will be so strong that she will sleep.  At this stage, let her find and live in her own apartment.  I couldnt handle my wife
    at all and when she said she wanted an apartment, I was all for it.  My wife slept alot.  Probably 12-14 hours a day and at the time,
    our youngest was 2 years old and the 3 kids combined are really noisy.

    If you want to be their for your girlfriend during chemotherapy, get her something to do.  My wife was bored.  She was too tired to
    do much and when she was awake, she was bored.  I got my wife a cross stitch kit and she worked on that for a year.  Find something
    your girlfriend likes to do as a hobby and get it for her.  She will appreciate that.  Also, bring food.  I brought my wife soup and fresh
    baked bread.  She said that she couldnt taste anything so soup packed with vegetables can help.

    > Thinking how can talk to her with out putting myself at risk and making her angery. What level of anger will she reach next. 

    My wife was angry, angry, angry before being diagnosed. She was angry for many years.  During chemotherapy, she slept and she
    never yelled at me once during that time.  If she has her own apartment, her anger will subside during chemotherapy.  In my opinion,
    being a caregiver during chemotherapy was not difficult.  The real job of caregiving starts when the chemotherapy stops.  My wife
    came home after 1 year away and was in a good mood for about 2 months.  Then she went back to her old ways.

    > I'm blown away I can't even go home to my apartment that I am the only one on the lease, pay all bills, and lived there along time before
    >I even new her. 

    This is the part you have to get use to.  You "pay all the bills".  The chemotherapy bills are off the charts and throw in the apartment and all
    of the other bills, and your really just getting started in seeing bills.  After chemotherapy, they remove the port and that procedure costs
    money.  Then they remove part of the breast.  Then breast reconstruction if the patient requests it.  Bills, bills, bills, some of which are
    covered by insurance, some are not.  I stopped thinking about bills for some time.  I know its an issue.  But right now, I would focus on
    taking care of yourself and giving yourself some time alone. Find a place for your girlfriend to live and a place for you to live and take
    time in the day to do something for yourself.  Thats enough work for now.

     

     

  • smith154
    smith154 Member Posts: 4
    edited September 2017 #6
    Catholic said:

    > She started hormone therapy

    > She started hormone therapy. 

    How long does chemotherapy and hormone therapy last?  What drugs is she taking?  I remember the oncologists listing off the drugs
    she recommended my wife to take and I didnt pay attention.  Later I looked up the drug taxomifen which my wife took and its a really
    powerful drug that can cause cancer in certain cases (go look it up).  Each of those drugs has side effects and rage or
    mood swings and nausea are common side effects.

    My wife did hormone therapy for 3 months and chemotherapy for 8 months.

    > Right now I am in my car looking up at a blue sky wondering what life is about and what to do next. 

    I can layout your tentative future.  From my experiences, the drugs she takes are really powerful and she will want to sleep.  After the
    first 6 weeks, she will lose her hair and that will be dramatic for her.  If you want to do something, go get some hats now.  I got my
    wife 2 hats and she discarded both.  When she lost her hair, she found one and she wore it every day.  There are websites that sell
    special hats that cover the head in a way that you cant tell that the person doesnt have hair.  Get some of those hats now.

    The medicine will be so strong that she will sleep.  At this stage, let her find and live in her own apartment.  I couldnt handle my wife
    at all and when she said she wanted an apartment, I was all for it.  My wife slept alot.  Probably 12-14 hours a day and at the time,
    our youngest was 2 years old and the 3 kids combined are really noisy.

    If you want to be their for your girlfriend during chemotherapy, get her something to do.  My wife was bored.  She was too tired to
    do much and when she was awake, she was bored.  I got my wife a cross stitch kit and she worked on that for a year.  Find something
    your girlfriend likes to do as a hobby and get it for her.  She will appreciate that.  Also, bring food.  I brought my wife soup and fresh
    baked bread.  She said that she couldnt taste anything so soup packed with vegetables can help.

    > Thinking how can talk to her with out putting myself at risk and making her angery. What level of anger will she reach next. 

    My wife was angry, angry, angry before being diagnosed. She was angry for many years.  During chemotherapy, she slept and she
    never yelled at me once during that time.  If she has her own apartment, her anger will subside during chemotherapy.  In my opinion,
    being a caregiver during chemotherapy was not difficult.  The real job of caregiving starts when the chemotherapy stops.  My wife
    came home after 1 year away and was in a good mood for about 2 months.  Then she went back to her old ways.

    > I'm blown away I can't even go home to my apartment that I am the only one on the lease, pay all bills, and lived there along time before
    >I even new her. 

    This is the part you have to get use to.  You "pay all the bills".  The chemotherapy bills are off the charts and throw in the apartment and all
    of the other bills, and your really just getting started in seeing bills.  After chemotherapy, they remove the port and that procedure costs
    money.  Then they remove part of the breast.  Then breast reconstruction if the patient requests it.  Bills, bills, bills, some of which are
    covered by insurance, some are not.  I stopped thinking about bills for some time.  I know its an issue.  But right now, I would focus on
    taking care of yourself and giving yourself some time alone. Find a place for your girlfriend to live and a place for you to live and take
    time in the day to do something for yourself.  Thats enough work for now.

     

     

    She does no need to get kemo.

    She does no need to get kemo. She has completed radiation treatment. I do not believe she will loose her hair.  She is taking Tamoxifen.  Something that might bother a person can make her so! angery! I am concerned to be around her because I can say the wrong thing. And I'm concerned about any questions she has because I might give her a response she does not like.  I have brought up the idea of this drug causing the bad moods but was shot down quickly.  I never flat out said that she is out of control with anger when she gets mad. She is not like this all the time but when it happens my environment becomes very threatening. I have been looking for strong evidence stating that this drug does on some patients cause this anger problem. I am finding it to be uncommon. But I do see anger related with cancer in general. If the patient does not recognize their own anger problem how do you get them to get help for it.

  • Catholic
    Catholic Member Posts: 86
    smith154 said:

    She does no need to get kemo.

    She does no need to get kemo. She has completed radiation treatment. I do not believe she will loose her hair.  She is taking Tamoxifen.  Something that might bother a person can make her so! angery! I am concerned to be around her because I can say the wrong thing. And I'm concerned about any questions she has because I might give her a response she does not like.  I have brought up the idea of this drug causing the bad moods but was shot down quickly.  I never flat out said that she is out of control with anger when she gets mad. She is not like this all the time but when it happens my environment becomes very threatening. I have been looking for strong evidence stating that this drug does on some patients cause this anger problem. I am finding it to be uncommon. But I do see anger related with cancer in general. If the patient does not recognize their own anger problem how do you get them to get help for it.

    > If the patient does not

    > If the patient does not recognize their own anger problem how do you get them to get help for it.

    Its a great question.  One that I asked myself for years.  I dont have the answer.  Nor does any other caregiver on this forum.  I take it a step further, how
    do you help someone who wont help themself?  I spent years trying to help my wife who exhibited all of the signs of depression.

    At one point in time, I got her to see a therapist for about a month and she quit the therapist sessons.  I cant force my wife to go to sessions with a therapist.

    We traveled with 3 young kids to China to visit my wife's family and the parents, sister, aunts, uncles, all sat down with her individually over a month and
    asked her to take this medicine which she was supposed to take after chemotherapy.  She told all of them individually to stuff it and never took the medicine.
    I cant force my wife to take pills or medicine.

    I cant force my wife to eat dinner with us or to eat healthy.

    I cant force my wife to stop being angry and getting enraged over the absolutely most ridiculous things.  There are a lot of other things I cant force her to do!
    What I can do is focus on my kids and myself and friends and when my wife is ready, then I can help. 
    You have to take the same position; help when you
    are needed.

    > She is not like this all the time but when it happens my environment becomes very threatening.

    I know exactly what you are talking about.  When your calm and the other person is enraged, you are concerned about your safety.  For me, my wife called
    the police on me many times and accused me of all sorts of bad things and really worried me with all the crazy stuff she was talking about.  I never once
    was angry though.  I let her run on with her false accussations. The 3rd or 4th time the police came, an officer said "I cant keep
    coming here like this, one of you should get an apartment" and my wife volunteered.  So get this, she called the police on me in the morning, we found an apartment by
    the afternoon, and by evening, she was in a good mood and gave me a hug and thanked me for getting her an apartment.  Two months later my wife's sister
    came and took her to the clinic and she was eventually diagnosed with cancer. Only then did my wife seek help.  She underwent 11 months of chemotherapy
    and hormone therapy.  What I learned more than anything is that my instincts served me well.

    When your girlfriend goes over the top angry, be calm and walk away.  The good news is, you dont have to grab your kids and protect them in the process. 

    > She is taking Tamoxifen

    My wife took tamoxifen and there are definitely side effects.  Mood swings, rage, nausea, weight loss but yet bloating. I witnessed all of these side effects in my wife.
    Tamoxifen is a very powerful drug.

    Here is what you need to do.  You sound burned out and you can really get burned out being a caregiver.  You have to start exercising regularly, eating really
    healthy and take time for yourself.  Think about taking a 3-day vacation somewhere to clear your head out.  Take breaks and find peace.  Make sure that your
    girlfriend has a separate place to stay and call and visit her whenever you like.  Talk to her parents.  But most importantly, take care of yourself and dont get
    sucked into the anger and/or arguments.  I argue with friends, family, people on the street, I argue over politics and school policies and so on, but I stopped
    arguing with my wife years ago.