My wife's breast cancer

Tjlost

my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time . This time she is having a mastectomy even though her dr says they have removed all cancer. She is upset with me saying i show her compasion but not supporting her. I dont get it and when i ask her how i can support her she gets mad and says I need to figure it out . Not sure what else to do i show her how much i love her and need her and will do anything for her but she just says I dont Understand Not sure what else i can do for her plz help me with ideas

Elaine_wi

clarification

Can you please carify some of your words? What is maatec, do you mean a mastectomy? It sounds like you and your wife are having trouble communicating. Perhaps couples counseling would help. Some cancer centers have counselors that specifically deal with emotional issues arising from cancer.

Tjlost

Elaine_wi said:

clarification

Can you please carify some of your words? What is maatec, do you mean a mastectomy? It sounds like you and your wife are having trouble communicating. Perhaps couples counseling would help. Some cancer centers have counselors that specifically deal with emotional issues arising from cancer.

sorry for the typos i have

sorry for the typos i have corrected them and thx for your response

tufi000

tough one

The cancer therapist told a great thing...Cancer is like a river.  If the relationship has holes in it, depending on the size, the river is just a small creek.  With more depth the river can become a torrent. Whiule this helped me, it probably doesn't help you.

My guy was the same way but worse in ways I don't have to discuss here.  However in very concrete ways support can be doing things she always did and has lost motivation to care about it.  He does the laundry, all the food shopping and cooks more than he used to.

For me, hugs became extremely important. If surgery was involved, you can ask how can hug without hurting you. But that made me feel the best.  If she looks a little blue, ask about it.

I don't understand what she means about a difference between compassion and support.  I'm winging it here.  Maybe something here will help. And don't worry, you will get tons of responses on this that can help you I'm sure.

 

 

HapB

Just a guess

Hi, Maybe what she means by support is actual hands on help. Compassion is a feeling and support is shown by action. If I were you, I would ask her what you can DO for her to help.   Just a guess. I know there may be a lot of people who have compassion for me, but very few who actually offer support. 

Apaugh

support her choices and help her as much as possible.

She needs you in her corner not on the other side.  It only takes one cell just one to move.  Sounds like that is what happened the first time.  No doc can tell for sure.  There is no such thing as I promise you are cancer free.  It is a crapshoot.  I totally understand why she wants to remove her breast and even then it is not a safe bet it is gone.  But she is trying to do all she can to save herself.  She needs you to help her.  Clean, cook, laundry, ect...those things mean alot when you are so sick.  She is going to be sick for a very long time.  This zaps not just your breast, it zaps the whole body, the whole mind, the whole personality.  Someone there to help in All ways.  

Prayers going up for you both,

Annie

Elaine_wi

Are you questioning her decision to have a mastectomy?

Tjlost,

You stated that your wife is having a mastectomy even though the doctor says that all the cancer has been removed. This does not make sense to me. How has the cancer been removed? Did she have lumpectomy? If she had a lumpectomy she could not also be having a mastectomy.

No one goes through a mastectomy just for the fun of it. We go through it because it's the best medical option to live out our lives while we still have the option of having a good quality of life.

Additionally, no surgeon is going to perform a mastectomy without a valid reason.

Beepositive

tjlost

Prayers to you and your wife and family!!  keep the hugs and love going with her as you have before ..she want to feel beautiful and loved. and as everyone has been saying help more around the house and cooking if you dont already do that.

 

beepositive

RozHopkins

I totally agree with a

I totally agree with a mastectomy if her second time. Some people even close to you are misread by the patient, or irritate the patient, or nothing is enough.  My husband was brilliant but wouldn't let a friend do my ironing, or let friends cook  and I was so fatigued I just wanted to curl up and sleep forever.  My daughter and son never talked about it.  And yet all three love me very much, it's just different people cope differently.  You sound pretty amazing to me, did you have any marital problems before cancer hit or could she just not be thinking straight with everything going on and worrying about surgery because it's quite a challenge afterwards too..... We do hurt the ones we love in these stressful times.  Your cancer nurse may help with advice.  Don't give up, she may want to blame some one for the reoccurrence..... 

Egankeevan

Educate Yourself

Maybe she needs for you to be more educated about her particular breast cancer, what the options are, and why. I've found that while my boyfriend is supportive, he hasn't really taken the initiative to learn about breast cancer and treatment. He just takes in what I tell him. I'm trying to decide between lumpectomy and mastectomy. I've asked several women who have been through this, and they have said "it's a very personal choice". So if you wife feels that a mastectomy will give her the most reassurance, she probably needs you to support that decision. Also,  with a recurrance of breast cancer, sometimes mastectomy is necessary because they can't do chemo and/or radiation again.

TeamofHope

My wife's breast cancer

My husband found a book on the free shelf at my cancer clinic, titled, "Breast Cancer Husband", which he found very helpful. I know that most Christian bookstores carry books of support on cancer- since it is such a frequent occurance in our world now:( It's good that you reached out to people going through breast cancer, to learn and be encouraged. A husband and wife definately go through it together, it affects both lives, and your family as a whole; like many things in the marriage journey. Your wife is blessed to have a husband who loves her and wants to support her. I pray that her treatment is going better and and that, with the help of the Lord, this life changing disease will draw you closer than ever, together, and give you hope in the midst of overwhelming feelings and hard days. It defiantely has for my husband and I!

csr771

My Wife's Breast Cancer

I haven't posted to this board in a while, but felt that I wanted to respond to your post.  I will share my experience.  I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in November, 2010.  I had a skin sparing mastectomy and reconstructive surgery in January, 2011.  I remember needing "something" from someone, but was not able to convey what it was.  The hurt and pain was too great.  It was hard to comprehend that once I had the surgery I would never be the same.  Yes, I would be cancer free, but I would no longer be an attractive, sexy woman.  Whether or not I was ever that is not important.  What is important are my feelings about the loss of a part of me that exhibited my womanhood. Unfortunately, that feeling has never totally left and I have been cancer free almost 7 years.  Sometimes compassion can be synonymous with pity.  She may not know how you are going to react with her changed body and does not want to look in your eyes and see pity.  She is losing a lot.  Her self-image may be forever changed.   Unfortunately there is no "answer" that will fix this.  She may need suport in a way that she cannot communicate or understand.  Be diligent and loving, but let her lead.  She will eventually show or tell you what she needs. Try to touch her where it hurts.