i dont know what i feel right now...

Daddysgirl8199
Daddysgirl8199 Member Posts: 2
in Emotional Support #1

wed i was told that the drs are stopping things here. my dad sits at home after a surgery i feel was pointless - removal of cancer in which they removed his nose and are now saying they cant or wont fix it bc his insurance will not pay for the bone to be replaced that they removed. no more targeted radiation, no more chemo... i want him to try alternative treatments... and i want to be able to help him to get his physical appearance back so that he will feel able to face the world. as of rite now hes sworn to live in the shadows and not leave his house IM SO ANGRY my father is so depressed. the man who has always been there for me - NO MATTER WHAT - and i cant help him. MY MOTHER IS ANGRY AT HIM and says "he smoked he deserves what he gets after 45 years of causing whatever marital issues they had/have... THIS IS MY FATHER!!! She needs to stop with all of this petty crap THIS IS MY FATHERS LIFE!!!! Shes asked i not tell anyone whats going on with my dad well IM ABOUT TO YELL IT FROM THE ROOF TOP bc i know if we did a fundraiser to pay for the bone piece of the reconstruction that my community WILL HELP!!! I get that shes angry but HOW PETTY AND COLD HEARTED CAN 1 PERSON BE??!! I know this will damage my relationship with my mom but hopefully 1 day she will understand...

i want to SCREAM i want to CRY my poor daddy... i just dont know wtf to do!!!

Comments

  • JerzyGrrl
    JerzyGrrl Member Posts: 760 Member
    #2
    Sorry that you're

    Sorry that you're all going through this, DG. On a good day, cancer is horribly nasty and - well - This obviously is NOT a good day. 

    Believe it or not, what's sounding like cruel heartlessness is possibly your mother's attempt to put some control on a totally out-of-control situation. The guy she's been married to, in a relationship with, has cancer, he's disfigured, she's grieving, and it seems as though there's nothing to be done. Taking an "If only you / I / we had..." approach is a way to put some semblance of control and order on a universe that seems to be booting you to the curb. Anger isn't a particularly helpful way to change the past that caused the present, but it's one way. 

    That doesn't mean it's effective or supportive or encouraging to others, but it's an attempt. Anger uses up so much energy (her at your dad, you at her, your dad at... on and on). If you, she, your family, etc could connect with a support group for family and caregivers, that'd probably be a big help. You'll be surprised at how you and your mom aren't alone in what comes out, verbally and emotionally. Better yet, it's (for many people) a safe way to process feelings. 

    I'm not sure why your mom wants you to keep this a secret or how you even could. Somebody's bound to notice your dad's missing his nose. It'd be good to find out what your mom's responding / reacting to by making that statement. If you don't think you can speak - and listen - in a calm and caring way, maybe you could get yourself to a place emotionally where you could at least write a calm and caring letter to her and deliver it with a hug.

    Keep us posted as you're able. Hugs... 

Discussion Boards