Grief and anxiety but why ?

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I come here confused and just depressed , i was diagnosed with endometrial and ovarian cancer last July . July 2016, then like a flash i met my oncologist was scheduled for a total abdominal hysterectomy . I didnt have time to even think of what the surgery would mean to me . I mean I was already 44 years old , not planning to have children so no big deal right? Besides the pain of recovery kept my mind off everything but that . Then I healed enough for them to put a port in me . And as I would dress and purposely not look at my vertical scar so dark so foriegn from bellybutton to pelvis, I would avert my eyes and see the scar on my collar bone and I would avert my eyes from there and look at myself . There I was in that mirror , I would actually talk to myself. Vero I would say .. Vero your okay you dont need to cry you gonna make it . That first chemo session ,as the sweet nurse explained every bag of pre medication and chemo medicine she injected me wth, was the scariest thing I had ever done until then. But my husband was sitting with me and he was watching me so I smiled and told him , no problem everything is okay . And for the next six months the pattern was set , as my hair fell I would look in the mirror and tell myself no problem , I would sit at the table with pains in my bones and smile  at my husband and tell him I'm good , I would go to my moms house and tell her look how great I look without hair I 'm great . 

 

Except I wasnt okay , .. but chemo for me was a whirlwind , so great no time to think , not time to brood about hot flashes or missing ovaries , bald heads , bone pain, or the fact I could no longer stand to look at myself in the mirror . NOt because I didnt have hair , because I did not recognize myself , that sick hairless woman in teh mirror , that couldnt be me ...so if I dont look then I dont have to face it.

 

Everyone told me how great I was doing ,and then chemo was over no more whirlwind. And my hair and eyelashes and eyebrows grew back . I can look in the mirror again , there I am , I recognize myself again . 

 

But , now I feel a grief , it doesnt matter that I didnt want kids anyway , and I know a uterus doesnt make you a woman . I am even ashamed of confessing this , which is why Im crying here typing this and not saying it out loud even to my reflection. They took a part of me away . I know I know ... I have been told I am a lucky gal. And I know there are worse cases out there ....and believe me I am grateful for the doctor saving me , but I live in a world now , where every pain , every twinge , every spot I see on my skin .. it could be the monster again. I dont feel physically different but i know I dont have a uterus or ovaries or fallopian tubes. And I know it sounds so silly but a piece of me is gone it isnt anything anyone can see , but I know its gone . 

 

Every tear I didnt shed during chemo I feel like I shed now. Im in this grief sometimes so deep , it feels as if I am mourning the death of someone and I dont know why . 

 

I searched somewhere I can type this , somewhere maybe someone can understand. I am told by everyone how lucky I am ... so why dont I feel lucky , why do I feel like I have a lifetime of crying to make up for?

 

 

Comments

  • Jairoldi
    Jairoldi Member Posts: 221 Member
    edited August 2017 #2
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    What a lonely place to be. I

    What a lonely place to be. I love how you expressed yourself in this post. I, like you, try to put on that brave face but I spent most of yesterday in tears or fighting them back. Today I will use my hands to pick up my feet and place them one in front of the other.

    I can't begin to imagine your broken heart over the possibilities that were stripped from you as I am post menopausal. What I do know is what a heavy heart feels like. I will think of you today and kneel to pray for you this morning.

     

  • MAbound
    MAbound Member Posts: 1,168 Member
    edited August 2017 #3
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    So Young

    Ah Vero! You are so young to have gone through all of this. Many of us were already near or past menopause when we had to go through treatment and I can't imagine how much harder it must be to go through it prematurely.

    One thing that you or your husband may not be recognizing because this is all so new and traumatic to you is that the physical trauma of all that your body has gone through in the past year has thrown your body chemistry out of whack and what you are now feeling is clinical depression that needs to be treated. It's no fault of your own, just a consequence of what you've been through. Please call your doctor and share with him what you've posted here. You don't have to feel like you are feeling now.

  • Lou Ann M
    Lou Ann M Member Posts: 996 Member
    edited August 2017 #4
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    (((((Hugs)))))

    sending hugs and prayers.  So sorry that you are going through this.  You are not alone.  You are grieving what might have been and I think to some extent we all go through that.  There are stages to grieving that have to be worked through.  You were so brave, maybe now is the time to let go. cry, throwthings, yell and talk to your doctor.  He should be able to give you med that could help you fell better

    Hugs and prayers, Lou Ann

    by the way, you are an eloquent writer.

  • TeddyandBears_Mom
    TeddyandBears_Mom Member Posts: 1,814 Member
    edited August 2017 #5
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    Vero,

    Vero,

    First, welcome to our board. You have come to the right place to find support and a true understanding of what you are going through. I agree with MA that you may be suffering from clinical depression. Our bodies go through so much during all of the treatments to save us. It is no wonder that the emotions also go through changes! Please discuss this with your doctor. Your beautiful post would be perfect to hand them. So much insight written there.... I think we all miss our "old" selves. That time before cancer when we didn't give living an extra thought. Not that we didn't appreciate being alive, but we didn't have to think about the possibility of tomorrow not being available.

    I can tell you it does get better with time. For me, it isn't that I don't still pay attention to every little pain, but I have been able to push the concerns to the back of my mind. I'm still in the every 3 month check up period until February of next year. Then, I will move to every 6 months. Can't wait to be there! That will give me a longer stretch between thinking about that next check up.

    I hope you find some peace with all of this soon.

    Love and Hugs,

    Cindi

     

  • Kvdyson
    Kvdyson Member Posts: 790 Member
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    Lucky? No.

    Lucky? No.

    Maybe "Irish Luck" but not the same lucky as in the non-cancer world. You have entered another universe, vero2020. Lucky is not the same lucky that you thought you knew. You need to come to grips with the reality that you have come through the rabbit hole.

    Sad? Yes, it is sad but it is still a living sad. Different, but alive nontheless. What you choose to make of it is up to you.

    No one said this would be easy. But you can do this. Follow our lead. We have a path that you can follow to make it back to a new normal. We are rooting for you.

  • Donna Faye
    Donna Faye Member Posts: 427 Member
    edited August 2017 #7
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    vero2020

    Vero, 20 years ago I had my first bout with cancer. However, prior to that I had lost a baby, gall bladder surgery, a divorce, then the stage 3 cancer! A dear friend sent me a button that I recently pulled out to wear again when this lastest cancer came along. It states"I've survived damn near everything!" I wore it on my cowgirl hat when I did the Avon 3 day - my way of telling cancer to *&^&^$&!  What you are going through is grieving for what is gone, but we need to do that. I cried for a year every time I saw a baby. My heart thought it would break when I divorced the only man I will ever love. But, as Hemingway wrote: We are stronger in the broken places. Because when we heal - and we all heal at different rates - we are stronger. I'm 77 years old and when the oncologist said CHEMO, I almost said NO. Don't want anymore pain. But, I did it and now am on the way back to my cowgirl up strength. Come January, I am going to barrel race again.  

    You are beautiful in a different way - you are wise because you know pain and can now give solace to others as we all do on this site. Love yourself! Be gentle to yourself! Have a massage! Volunteer where you are needed. It is a wonderful world, but sometimes we hurt. Hug that husband and mama a little harder. Don't be afraid to say, "I need some extra love today."  Know you have found sisters on this site.

  • Soup52
    Soup52 Member Posts: 908 Member
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    Hugs and prayers! There is

    Hugs and prayers! There is not much I can add as you and the others have said it all so eloquently. You will get through it and yes, we have all felt this pain and will never be exactly the same as we were before. Take time to morne your loss of the self you once knew. We will all be here for you as we all understand in a way that others do not as they haven't been through this. Prayers and blessings for you. Welcome to our group!