Secretive Family Member

twinmomof4

I am reaching out for help and support.  I don't know where else to go.  

In April, my husband received a call that my brother-in-law has stage 4 stomach cancer.  He was in the hospital and had half his stomach removed.  I later found out that while in the hospital my brother-in-law called his ex-girlfriend and she informed the family.  My brother-in-law signed forms that he did not want anyone to know he was there, so no one could find him to go to the hospital.  We also found out that he had known he had cancer for 2 years.  At this time, the information came out that the cancer had spread and was in the lymph nodes.  Family members were able to find out that he had done several rounds of chemo prior to surgery.  He had delayed treatment, which they feel was his own stubbornness.  He has never followed any kind of dietary guidelines.  He eats a lot of red meat, limited vegetables, smokes, and does heavy caffeine (coffee and sugary sodas).  He does a lot of sugar as well.  

No one has ever attended any of his appointments with him, he refuses. He ripped open his stitches after his surgery in April by not taking it easy.  Everyone tries to piece together what he says, but so much just doesn't make sense.  In June he claimed that he was done with Chemo and did not want to do it anymore.  At that time he was trying to get a new medication approved by insurance.  At the end of the month, we heard from one person that he said he got it approved but was waiting for final steps. Later we were told by a worker who he seems more open with that he was waiting for Radiation but was not strong enough.  

Recently he claimed to a worker he had gotten in to Cancer Treatment Centers of America.  He then said he had to go to Chicago but was only gone for one day.  We are now living with him to help.  He seems to be in pain at times, but has not slowed the way he eats.  He often equals my husband.  This concerns me.  He doesn't go to the doctor on a regular basis.  He recently went for two days.  He initially told my husband he was going back to Chicago but later corrected this.  He made is seem like a regular trip to me, non-medical.  He told my kids he had to go to the doctor because he wasn't feeling well.  He told my father in law he went in because he was coughing up blood.  

If anyone asks questions, he doesn't respond.  He will not talk or share information with any family members.  

Living with him, I can talk about his everyday activities and appearance.  He does seem to have memory issues and pain.  He seems fatigued.  He has had days where he comes home from working and goes straight to bed and doesn't get up other than to get a drink, bathroom, or smoke until afternoon the next day.  My daughters are confused because to them he seems well.  He still gets up and does farm work, which isn't easy work., so I don't understand him not being strong enough for radiation.  We never see him take any pills other than tylenol/asprin.   

I am not trying to question him or what he is saying.  I just don't understand.  I want to be able to help and with him not being forthcoming it is hard.  I also want to prepare my kids appropriately.  I don't want them to worry about him for nothing, but I don't want them to be unprepared.  So much of what he has said/claimed just doesn't add up or make sense.  What I read from others contradicts what he shares. 

Any information/guidance would be greatly appreciated.  Again, I don't want to come off insensistive we are just struggle to understand where he may be at medically.

UPDATE...he has now told someone they said they want to remove his entire stomach. They apparently said this one week ago or longer.  We need to know what we could or should do to try to help!