tamoxifen sexdrive

nothumbleenough03

Hello, 

 I met my wife a little over a year ago. 2 weeks into dating she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She gave me an out but I stayed, I knew she was the one. We got married July 21st and I couldn'tbe happier. She is amazing, beautiful, smart and a great wife and mother. The problem we have is sex or the lack of sex since she decided to go on tamoxifen. It has become completely absent from our life, sex that is. It has come to the point where I question my confidence, I saw her bra and panties on the edge of the bed and I assumed she was cheating which is funny because not at anytime have I ever felt that way towards her but her lack of any desire to have sex with me has lead me to these absurde thoughts. My question is has this happen to any other woman? My wife is my world and I have been there since day one. I feel like a jerk for a having desires and needs. She says it's just because I'm horny but it's not, I am totally attracted to my wife, when it's not reciprocated I feel she isn't attracted to me. I try to be understanding but it has become harder and harder lately. Any advice would be much appreciated. To all of you going through this God bless you.

camul

Maybe she is trying to feel sexy again.

After going through the surgeries treatments and meds you don't feel the same. I was early 40's when it started and I felt mangled with all of the scars, the weight gain from the steroids and bloat from the tamoxifen.  It is so hard and until I felt good it had to come from inside of me.  i agree maybe you need some therapy. There is so much more to all of this than just a surgery and no matter how you feel, it is going to take time for her.  You may not understand all that goes with it!

Best to you both, but everything does not go back to the normal you use to know.

HapB

Notthumbleenough03

I think you should have an honest talk with your wife about her lack of sex drive.  I do know that these drugs can diminish or eliminate sex drive. Maybe she could talk with her doctor and see if there is a solution. You should not take it personally, it is most probably a physical issue.  I congratulate you on your wedding and I hope that you and your wife can find a workable solution to this medical issue. 

Apaugh

Agreed, never the same...

There is so much more than just a surgery and medication.  This rocks your whole body physically.  Unless you go through it, and I hope you never do, you wont know.  Remember why you married her and think of all the other good things about her and focus on them.  It will take a long time and it may never be the same.  I feel bad for you, I feel worse for her. 

Hugs,

Annie

 

Lizziesem

Talk

I've been on that as well and, yes it has affected her drive.  What she forgot and you loving need to talk to her about is - you're a guy. Guys need that physical tension build up released sometimes - for lack of a better description...

i admit my drive is gone but I love my husband and I figure ways to still be there for him.  Yes, it's not the same but I am still showing him my love for him knowing it helps him.   Help her realize that or suggest therapy.  You are in this together.  Good luck.  

Elaine_wi

Love is patient, Love is kind

nothumbleenough03,

It is wonderful that you care for your wife so much that you are seeking advice. Be patient with your wife, yourself and your marriage. It's only been a little over a year that you have both been dealing with the impact of cancer on your lives, and it has been even a shorter time since you've become a married couple. Keep unconditional love the focus of your relationship and enjoy the blessings that it will bring. 

I am wondering why you you say say that, "she decided to go on Tamoxifin". This is not a choice. I am on Tamoxifin because my oncologist recommended it because it reduces my chances that I will have to suffer the devastating consequences of a reoccurence of cancer and ultmately, that I will not have to die before my time.

 

disneyfan2008

i was on Tamoxifen for 5 yrs.

i was on Tamoxifen for 5 yrs...gained weight, 2 breast surgries (same side) and due to the medicine a total hysterctomy 2 1/2 yrs of taking the tamoxifen (one side effect is enlarged uterus) -took all my female parts out.

 

I can understand her side-

Chocobo

Be strong and talk with her

First of all, don't feel too bad... I'm 32, I'm a survivor, and I have no sex drive. And my husband feels the way you do. 

Trust me, this is horrible for us too... The fact is that sex will never be the same. It won't be this crazy passion it used to be. But it can be full of love and even better than it used to be.

Have you asked her what she feels? When dealing with breast cancer, there can't be taboos. Talk openly, even if it's awkward. The lack of sex drive can come from 2 things. 1 she may be very dry inside (that's my main problem) and sex is no longer enjoyable. It hurts so so badly. We ended up trying so many lubricants to try and find one that works, and even at that, sometimes it's just physically impossible. 

The second thing is, while you guys still see us as beautiful, we feel like everything that makes us woman was ripped away from us. Looking in the mirror is painful. very very painful. I know that if I don't feel good in my skin, I can't understand why my husband would even want to look at me, let alone touch me. yet he does. Remind her of that. Remind her every day, with very gentle touches (i am still so embarrassed at a touch on my breasts), tell her she's beautiful, tell her you love her and her boobs. little by little, restore her confidence (we're still working on this, it takes time). Therapy may help, but ultimately, you have to do that work, every day... never let a day go by without telling her how much you love her and find her beautiful.

Finally, of course, this drug can take out your sex drive, kinda like some anxiety pills do. talk to your doctor. There may be other pills that may help (I don't know of any).

I think eventually, you will go back to a healthy sex life (after all tamoxifen is not for life), but it will never be the same. But in the meantime, be gentle, be understanding, and accept that maybe you will only have sex once every 2 weeks, or less. Trust me, I know it's hard. It's horrible. But if you can address the physical discomfort, and talk to her, ask her what she wants, how she feels, and help her feel like a woman again, hopefully your sex situation will improve.

One last thing, the rare times that I feel my sex drive even peek through, I drop everything, grab my husband and go to the bedroom! It can be awkward, and sometimes, it doesn't lead to anything because of the pain, but still i try. If she does this with you, and nothing ends up happening, don't be frustrated, trust me, she's mortified enough as it is. But if she doesn't do that, because she doesn't dare or whatever, tell her to. No matter what you are doing. Interrupt and try. And always be gentle.

I hope this helps a bit. I know it's tough but know this. My husband is why I am alive. My husband is why I fight. His strength, his love, his care have taken me so far. He is my pillar, and this damn cancer is so unfair to him. But it's my life at stake, which is why we put ourselves through this s***. We don't merely decide to go on tamoxifen, we do it because we don't have a choice. My husband often tells me that there is no sacrifice big enough if that means my chance of living a long long life with him is increased even in the slightest. He says that thinking that helps him put things in perspective. Again I know it's tough, but remind yourself why you married her, why you stayed with her when you learned she had cancer. And remind yourself, it's for a limited duration of time. But don't get me wrong, it's a hard hard test of strength and love. For both of you.

Jensateach

Choice

First thing I'd like to say is that I hope your wife is well. She has been through what seems like a war with her own body and mind. You indicated that she decided to take tamoxifen like it were a choice. Usually the oncologist tells you that your chances of getting cancer again are significantly reduced by taking tamoxifen so really is that a choice. I am 45 years old in a loving relationship and have definitely noticed that my sex drive is all but gone. Honestly I feel like I am numb although I am so in love with my partner. Cancer definitely destroys a big part of who we once were our confidence our bodies are energy levels and yes our sex drive is significantly changed. You sound like a loving man so what I would suggest is to accept who your wife is now and love her unconditionally she deserves it and needs it more than ever. 

scdragonfly

Perspective and Alternatives

If it hadn't matter to my husband, I would have been happy to not have sex.  After breast cancer and chemo, I was in an emotional/mental survival mode. Sex is painful but I just found a solution which I'll explain below. Touch is a great thing which we all need. When intercourse was off the table, I suggested the "alternative touch method -if you know what I mean).  I strongly recommend making it into a romantic evening because building intimacy is the important part! Remember we are very mental when it comes to sex. To help both of you, I recommend the book "Five Love Languages" which explains that we all perceive love through 5 key actions -*touch, acts of service, quality of time, affirmations, gifts..If you both discover and discuss how you perceive/feel love and start making deposits that may make a huge difference in how you are both feeling. So the awkard part. After chemo, its no secret that the vaginal wall is thinner, with little or no natural lubrication and intercourse can cause tears and cuts which bleed. There was a successful clinic trial https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9876338 where DHEA was used to correct the problem significantly. Suppositories are the best. DHEA Cubes by Bezwecken are the only ones I found that didn't have perservatives or glycerin Its not just the Tamixofen... its her emotional well being so I strongly recommend focusing on love language first.