Lack of empathy

Hawaiigirl

I've just recently been diagnosed with thyroid cancer and while I know the prognosis and treatment are very positive I've still felt very emotional at times. I feel tired of people encouraging me by saying thyroid cancer is the best cancer to have. The best cancer to have is no cancer at all. I'm relatively young only 34.  What bothers me the most is people who do not have the condition that I have trying to give me a peptalk  on things they really don't know anything about.  

 I guess I feel that sometimes when medical issues are mentioned people who hear about it instantly become "doctors" and "health advisers" through the power of Google. I'm tired of unsolicited medical advice from well-meaning although inapt people.  I'm also tired of people telling me how I should be emotionally responding to my cancer diagnosis. That since the prognosis looks good, I should emotionally be OK with it.  And while I am trying to maintain positive, that doesn't mean I'm blind to the facts. Thyroid cancer can spread to other organs even though it's not as common with other cancers. However, when they saw I had a nodule on my thyroid and they told me that 95% of nodules are noncancerous. 

 So when somebody restates facts googled about thyroid cancer statistics I feel like holding up my results and saying, "yeah but it was supposed to be 95% not cancer!"  To me  anyone saying , "it's very unlikely that it would spread"  doesn't sound reassuring it sounds patronizing.    Percentages really don't mean a whole lot to me anymore.  I'm living it. I'm researching treatments, trying to figure out whether I should take out my whole thyroid or leave part in and hope it doesn't spread,  which is a big decision. 

 I feel at times very calm but not necessarily in a good way more like I'm watching a movie of somebody else. What I would like to explain to other people who don't understand is cancer is more than just percentages.  It's also emotional and changes the way we view ourselves and our lives.   Since I've been diagnosed I've looked over my life and I've observed some changes I would like to make, taking time to do more of the things that bring me joy and appreciate the people who make my life worth living. But other times I feel extremely overwhelmed with the choices I'm facing and not knowing which is the best one. 

 

Has anyone felt this way?

ClaCla

Well-Meaning People

So sorry you're facing such serious issues at such a very young age.  My husband and I are very private people about our trials and tribulations and share as little as possible with friends, family and acquaintances about matters that we don't wish to be discussing with them.  People love us and REALLY want to help, but being human insert foot in mouth too often for our comfort.  So we keep our sharing confined to professionals and support groups, like people on this website.  Of course the people you've already shared with need to be told that it is not helping to discuss these issues -- that you love them but have your professionals, support groups and own research.  If you haven't already, check out the "cancer specific discussion board" for thyroid cancer.  Please feel free to private message me if you need someone to vent to.  There are lots of people on this site who are concerned for what you're going through and might be of some comfort.  Best,

Hawaiigirl

ClaCla said:

Well-Meaning People

So sorry you're facing such serious issues at such a very young age.  My husband and I are very private people about our trials and tribulations and share as little as possible with friends, family and acquaintances about matters that we don't wish to be discussing with them.  People love us and REALLY want to help, but being human insert foot in mouth too often for our comfort.  So we keep our sharing confined to professionals and support groups, like people on this website.  Of course the people you've already shared with need to be told that it is not helping to discuss these issues -- that you love them but have your professionals, support groups and own research.  If you haven't already, check out the "cancer specific discussion board" for thyroid cancer.  Please feel free to private message me if you need someone to vent to.  There are lots of people on this site who are concerned for what you're going through and might be of some comfort.  Best,

Thank you for reaching out!

Thank you for reaching out! It's been an interesting few weeks. 

JerzyGrrl

ClaCla said:

Well-Meaning People

So sorry you're facing such serious issues at such a very young age.  My husband and I are very private people about our trials and tribulations and share as little as possible with friends, family and acquaintances about matters that we don't wish to be discussing with them.  People love us and REALLY want to help, but being human insert foot in mouth too often for our comfort.  So we keep our sharing confined to professionals and support groups, like people on this website.  Of course the people you've already shared with need to be told that it is not helping to discuss these issues -- that you love them but have your professionals, support groups and own research.  If you haven't already, check out the "cancer specific discussion board" for thyroid cancer.  Please feel free to private message me if you need someone to vent to.  There are lots of people on this site who are concerned for what you're going through and might be of some comfort.  Best,

Great response

Great response, ClaCla. 

And "interesting"? Oh, yeah! I had people no doubt already picking out the recipe for the casserole they were going to bring to the potluck after my service. I'm still here, so I hope they aren't too disappointed. 

The advice-givers? "Thank you, but that's not helpful," is a good response. So is, "And you're telling me this why?" Then there's the "Let's talk about something else, shall we?" I've been tempted to say, "Wow! I had no idea you were an oncologist specializing in [my kind of cancer]. Where did you do your post-residency work? What do you think about the research trials they're doing at Duke with rats and apple slices?" but I haven't. 

You'll develop your own set of support people and habits. Lately I've spent more time at home, getting my support from a few family members and folks here. Oh, and you'll also probably develop a most-used response to well-meaning-not-helpful people. Lately, I've been saying, "Really.... Really...." Then I start talking about the weather or something my dog did.

Keep us posted as you're able.

Hawaiigirl

JerzyGrrl said:

Great response

Great response, ClaCla. 

And "interesting"? Oh, yeah! I had people no doubt already picking out the recipe for the casserole they were going to bring to the potluck after my service. I'm still here, so I hope they aren't too disappointed. 

The advice-givers? "Thank you, but that's not helpful," is a good response. So is, "And you're telling me this why?" Then there's the "Let's talk about something else, shall we?" I've been tempted to say, "Wow! I had no idea you were an oncologist specializing in [my kind of cancer]. Where did you do your post-residency work? What do you think about the research trials they're doing at Duke with rats and apple slices?" but I haven't. 

You'll develop your own set of support people and habits. Lately I've spent more time at home, getting my support from a few family members and folks here. Oh, and you'll also probably develop a most-used response to well-meaning-not-helpful people. Lately, I've been saying, "Really.... Really...." Then I start talking about the weather or something my dog did.

Keep us posted as you're able.

Bazinga

I try really hard to withold all the super sarcastic comments I feel bubbling up when people say things like this. I like some of your responses, even if I know I never would have the heart to say them... but I'll think them loudly and perhaps they will get the message. I have been soooo tempted so say some of these very things! 

 

 

JerzyGrrl

Hawaiigirl said:

Bazinga

I try really hard to withold all the super sarcastic comments I feel bubbling up when people say things like this. I like some of your responses, even if I know I never would have the heart to say them... but I'll think them loudly and perhaps they will get the message. I have been soooo tempted so say some of these very things! 

 

 

The thing is...

With cancer survivors, you CAN say them, and we can probably get a smile, chuckle, or an out-loud laugh out of it. For people who just don't get it (mainly because they haven't been through any of this, which in itself isn't a bad thing), of course the sarcasm wouldn't be the way to go. 

There's a line of greeting cards for folks who get it to give to those who've unfortunately been "getting it." At any rate, we do get it. 

Jtchristy

Know what you mean

OMG people are annoying. My bf’s family is constantly calling him with info from Google and God knows where else, telling him to do this or that. When he says no thanks they start bawling saying they don’t want him to die. Than he starts crying…Hello???? Let’s think positive people!!!!! They are even pushing him to buy a dog. Really???????????????????????? HE asked me if he should get a dog because they are really pushing him to do so. I told him he should get a dog only if HE WANTS ONE, however I would wait until he is done with the chemo. If they show up with a dog I think I am gonna lose it…..Guess who would be taking care of it????????????????????

TheTerry

The best kind of cancer

Hawaiigirl, you're right. The "best kind of cancer" is no cancer at all. You're very kind and generous not to call people out on their uninformed responses to your diagnosis - at least not with biting sarcasm. I wish more people learned some simple, heartfelt responses (e.g., "I'm sorry to hear that") and to learn the power of asking the person how she is feeling and then listening. Who needs platitudes and uninformed miracle cures found on dodgy websites? Good luck.