I can't stop thinking about my mom why it was my fault

ericchan

Ever since my mom got breast cancer she told our 4 person family to not tell anyone else. We followed that rule and the cancer got worse and worse. I was too busy doing my homework and crap and forgetting that my mom needed major help. She did research on all the bullcrap juicing and ozone and all that stuff, but it did nothing but make her slim and weak. No protein, or fat or anything to keep energy. 8 months later when she was skinnier than me, she couldn't sleep, eat or do anything. it spreaded like crazy. She had a big inflamed stomach and my dad and me were researching the nearest hospital for therapies. There was one but they didn't allow us to go because the "doctors" weren't coming. We are in Austin, Texas. So the one that kicked us out was in Houston. The next closest one was Mexico. So my dad and his friend (since I'm 13 years old and can't drive) drove 20 hours to mexico for the therapy. Turns out, my mom was so skinny, she had malnutrition. So they had to bring her to hospital and stablize her. Me and my brother were in New York to "Take our minds off" and I kept saying to myself, "Mom will live" On July 7, 2017 7:49 pm, my mom and dad called. That was the last time I heard my moms voice. Then the next day, my uncle told me we need to get to California fast. So we get there and my mom's cancer was spreaded to the kidneys and livers and everything. My dad called us crying in the phone "Come quick" I never got to say goodbye to my mom. We get back home carrying our mom's ashes. It was my fault. All the bad luck I had. Tiny things. Like in this game where you gamble things away i got 4 of the same thing. And since I'm Chinese, 4 is bad number and means dead in chinese too but different character. It was my fault for not tell the aunts. They had a cancer center in New York that some of them work at. And an aunt that experienced it. My mom never wanted to do Chemo because you lose your hair and feel dizzy and everything, and she cared how she looked. But all her friends didn't because they were true friends and don't care about how you look. I could've done so many things but i didn't. How do I overcome this? (Srry my summary sucks bad)/

nj55

None of it is your fault

First of all I want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. It is terrible to go through at any age, but even worse as a child.

I am a cancer patient, my husband died of cancer at Christmas and my 14 year old granddaughter lives with me. None of what I just described is her fault. What happened with you mother is not your fault! Your mother made choices that didn't work out for her. There is no guarantee that chemotherapy would have worked either. I believe it would have been a better choice, but that is not my decision. It wasn't a decision for you to make either. You are still a child. You kept a promise you made to your mother. It is easy now to say it was the wrong thing to do, but you were listening to your parent. That is not a bad thing. Parents don't expect their school age children to make decisions for them. I don't expect my granddaughter to make decisions for me or to know what to do. She tries hard to help me and does what I ask. She has learned ways to be helpful, but I never expected her to just know.

You were doing what you were asked to do, so if it was not the best choice looking back, that is not your fault. It's easy to look back and see a better choice, but you don't have that advantage when you are making the choice. You were doing what teenagers are supposed to do (and often don't do) and listening to your mother.

It is okay to be sad, to cry, to grieve for you mother. It is also okay to be angry. Cancer is a terrible disease and sometimes nothing we do is enough to defeat it. You did what you were asked to do and none of this is your fault.

Right now it is hard to look at life without your mother. It is never easy to go on without the people we love and depend on. You will always miss her, but it will get easier with time. Try to focus on the good times before she got sick. If you are having a bad day, write about it here. Everyone here understands what you are going through. That is why this site exists. Sometimes people don't see it right away, but someone will answer you. They always do. If you have a friend or guidance counselor at school you can talk to, please do that too. Don't keep blaming yourself.

I will be thinking of you and praying for you. 

Nancy

JerzyGrrl

Eric...

I'm not sure where you live, but many communities have groups for teens who've had someone close to them die. There might be one of those near you. Ask your guidance counselor, at church or temple, or call the local hospital or Visiting Nurse Association to find out. It'll be good to see you're not alone, plus they do some helpful things. 

Let us know how you're doing. As NJ says, it's totally not your fault. Cancer is a miserable disease, having a parent die is totally the pits, but you're not the cause of either of those.