Does it ever get better

stillnotok

June 2013 started my journey as a Cancer Caregiver to my husband and in October 2013 he lost his battle with Small Cell Lung Cancer. If that wasn't bad enough 7 months later I began my journey with anal cancer. While I can say I'm a 3 year survivor of my own battle with cancer, a little over four years later I often wonder if my life will ever get better.

Almost a year ago I began the journey of building the dream home my husband and I planned and had just begun searching for land when he was diagnosed. That too has been full of heartache as the builder basically screwed me, didn't get certificate of occupancy on date he told me, filed a lien on me only to discover a week later the piers under the house were constructed improperly. SO here I am gave up apartment and staying with a friend, hired an attorney and structural engineer to determine what I need to do. Turns out 13 piers need to be reconstructed.

If this wasn't bad enough my journey back to the dating world has been a nightmare and I guess I need to accept that I will likely be along for the rest of my life. At 50 this is unbearable to me-I want a best friend, my partner-in-crime, someone who makes my life worth living. I'm sitting here crying wondering why I have had to suffer so much and how much more will I have to suffer. Sometimes I just wish the cancer had taken me too and I know that is horrible to say but I can't help the way I feel. Nothing seems to have gone right for me in the past four years and I don't know how much more crap thrown at me I can take.

JosephK

Sounds

Sounds like you are in a dark place, like many of us who have suffered a loss but your condition is multiplied by your disease and your misfortune with your home. You may need intense therapy. Go talk to somebody who is trained in being able to help you. Go at least once a week. I hope you can find a happy place again or at least something that is more tolerable.

ClaCla

Hugs for Your Sorrows

I agree with Joseph's comments.  Also, kudos that you went on with your earlier plans of building your dream home, although sadly without your beloved.  I think the fact that you've experienced so much hassle with building it is unfortunately just how life can be too much of the time. And undoubtedly it's harder as a woman alone.   I'm glad you found this website for support.   I've always thought the worst thing that could happen would be to lose my husband of 40+ years, so I've always observed what my single friends do -- especially like my single girlfriend without kids who didn't marry til she was about 40.  When she took a job in a new state, she immediately began creating a new life by working on her new home (like you) and making new friends by joining groups of people who shared her interests.  Looking more to create a good life than scouting for a companion, although she really also wanted the latter.  Have you checked meetup.com for your city?  It's all about people getting together in groups to pursue their interests.  Also support groups like "Suddenly Alone" might bring some comfort.  Prayers and comforting thoughts are being sent your way.  Big hugs.

Datura

Inspiration

I’m new here. This is my first post. Feel free to let me know if I’m not doing it correctly.

Stillnotok, Your post terrified and inspired me. (and caused me to join CSN)

The fact that you’re still struggling with sorrow four years after the death of your husband caused me to take a very deep breath. I’m only 30+ days into grieving the death of my wife and best friend of 43 years and I find it almost unbearable. The prospect of feeling like THIS for years is not a future I can be very enthusiastic about. I fully understand your sometimes wish that “the cancer had taken me too”. I don’t think it’s a horrible or even unusual thing to say. I often wish I wasn’t here to feel this sadness. I’m guessing that many people in our situation feel that way. I’m guessing that anyone who would say it’s horrible is someone who hasn’t (yet) experienced deep sorrow.

What inspired me about your post is that you are STILL HERE even after all the “crap” life has thrown at you. The death of your spouse, dating world nightmares AND dealing with a shady homebuilder ! If you can survive all THAT, you know something that I need too learn. I’m not even hoping to enjoy life anytime soon. SURVIVING might be good enough.

So, when you are in the mood, please share some of your thoughts and strategies for making it this far and why you feel it’s worth the effort.

I hope some tiny part of today brings you joy.