Stage 4 & not the woman I married anymore

DiamondInTheRough

Omg what is going on? Married 24 years,the last three have been tough. Midlife crisis? Fighting? Then she was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer only theee weeks ago. Inoperable, mets to liver, lungs, spine,adrenal glands and 9 inch tumor in her chest that's strangling her bronchial tubes were getting radiochemo but since that happened it's been unbelieve hard. There's no more affection. She has no respect for me and it seems like I'm just a caregiver now. She snaps at me, always thinks I'm being intrusive with simple questions like " who's that" when she's texting peopl. We started a fundraiser to help with shortfalls and she got money from a friend and is hoarding it because all these years I've been in charge of the bills and she mocks me like I'm there with my hand out and she doesn't want to share or disclose anything. What the hell did I do? I've been the most supportive husband. Cater to her every whim have been and still do cook her every meal for me and my kids and now I feel alone, isolated, unloved and although I try to remain considerate because of this terrible thing that's happened to my love it hurts and I'm torn between guilt and what I need to survive. Respect, friendship, love but it's all gone and I've been so starving for a normal conversation, someone to just talk to and maybe even say I'm doing a good job that I've resorted to reaching out to old high school friends and I e even thought about going online to meet someone just to talk to. I'm so hurt and lost and ask if anyone else has been through this? I just feel like tossed to the side. I can't imagine what she's going through but she isn't the same woman and is often times mean except when she needs something. Help! Anybody been through this?

Option B

Also newly diagnosed...but same started before diagnosis

I understand completely.  It's been about the last 18 months where I've been bottom-feeder depressed because I thought he was depressed and totally uncommunicative.  Just emotionally checked out, not involved in our lives in the least, sleeping all the time.  He and I both figured it was his diabetes, which he refused to work to control (and I can't hold him down to give him insulin).  Turns out, it is cancer, same as you.  May 6 diagnosis, prostate stage 4, bone mets all over and into the bone marrow.  He now has calcium and iron infusions, blood transfusions and hormone therapies.  But no chemo or radiation.  Too far gone for that.

While he was the same sullen person before this as your wife is now, he has changed completely and we are clinging together at the moment.  But the pain is under control, for now.   I'm guessing your wife is in much more pain, and has been for some time.  The money issue is her taking what she believes should be hers, because she didn't have any control over money before.  Realize it is a control thing.  She cannot control the cancer, it's controlling you both.  So she's grabbing control of the money, your attention, and controlling the conversation by being abusive.   She's wallowing in her pain and is mostly in shock about it all, as you are, too.  It's just too soon to think clearly about it, especially if she has brain mets which will definitely affect her cognitively and change anyone's personality. That's probably been going on for some time.  And I know you have been bearing the brunt of this long before the diagnosis, same as I have.

Don't feel guilty about your thoughts of contacting other people.  We all need that, and in my case, family doesn't yet get it that he has only a year or maybe two if we are lucky.  So they aren't really there for either of us.  In fact, that has hurt as much as anything else emotionally.  De - Nile.  That river we want to drown ourselves in but reality keeps pulling us up and backhanding us across the face.  That won't happen to the family til it's nearly over, because perception is reality and they aren't there every minute like we are.  She won't treat them as badly as she treats you.

Don't be afraid to let her know you're scared, too.  And that you want to make things better for her but that you need her help to do so.  Drown her in love for awhile and see if her heart doesn't respond in kind. (Ok, hear me out.) Now that you both know what has caused this rift, maybe the need to come together will help heal it.  I've had to stop myself from yelling back, too.  But I feel guilty that I thought so badly of him when he was actually sick all this time.

Now on the flip side, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.  Let her know what you need, too.  And why.  Why you need to feel her love and how you want to give her your love in return.  My husband and I said up front, NO topic is off the table.  No matter what, even if it's funeral plans.  Sucks but it helped open doors that had been closed for a long time.  

This forum is a good place to vent, even if you don't get an immeadiate return comment.  It's always good therapy, especially when no one else would understand anyway.  Hard to find fellow sailors trying to bail out these ships that are taking on water.   I find it better than journaling, but I've never blogged, so there are a few of those out there if you look, I'm sure.

The main thing is, be kind.  Kind to yourself, kind to one another, kind to others during this time.  It's the one thing you can do and ask her to do so you can know she still cares.  And yes, I've had to learn to bite my tongue but I don't regret it.  Just have to learn to use my "not mad" voice.  Try it for awhile and let me know how it's working for you.  If I didn't have this forum right now, I'd roll up into a ball, so I'm SO glad someone is hear who understands!

 

 

DiamondInTheRough

What a great reply. She

What a great reply. She always was a control freak of sorts. Not in a bad way but in a strong silent way. I think youre completely right about the money and everything else. Shes scared and so am I. This seems like a common thing and as a caregiver it's sooooo hard. Its an emotional roller coaster and I have to just stick with it. Thank you for letting me know I'm not totally insane....and not alone. 

lonecougar

Roller coaster

You are not alone in your feelings. My wife was diagnosed 6 months ago and we are going through the same feelings.  In our case money and children are not an issue so I can't even begin to imagine how that adds to your frustration.  It does help to know that others are suffering the same pain. Oddly enough about the only time I feel a sense of relief is when we are together at the infusion center. There is a sense of connection there even though none of us know one another. I really wish we never had to get on this crummy ride but on it we are.

JerzyGrrl

lonecougar said:

Roller coaster

You are not alone in your feelings. My wife was diagnosed 6 months ago and we are going through the same feelings.  In our case money and children are not an issue so I can't even begin to imagine how that adds to your frustration.  It does help to know that others are suffering the same pain. Oddly enough about the only time I feel a sense of relief is when we are together at the infusion center. There is a sense of connection there even though none of us know one another. I really wish we never had to get on this crummy ride but on it we are.

Yes, indeed...

Those opportunities - like what you experience at the infusion center - are few and far between, but offer you an oasis of time to... Just Be. Nothing is expected or demanded of you. You just are. 

CajunHoosier

Thank You!

I thought it was just me! My husband was diagnosed 9 months ago, stage 3, but we recently found Mets in kidneys and although no brain scan yet, I wouldn't be surprised as his cognitive abilities have declined & all those 'bad traits magnified. For example, he's nearly a chain smoker at 3-4 pks a day. I've never let him smoke inside because of kids, the smell, allergies, etc. But now, he plays the "I'm dying" card to smoke wherever. He flies off the handle at the smallest thing and always wants to use the phrase "but I'm a sick man with cancer" and if everyone doesn't give in to his whims, he says no one understands and he's all alone and no one really cares. I love him to much to leave, but I'm finding myself looking for any opportunity to be out of the house. Then, I feel guilty for feeling upset or needing g some space. Your posts have helped me to see perhaps this is just a part of this horrid disease. Thank you for that!