Feeling Ugly

mrsbaton

It has been four months since my last chemo and my recent CT scan showed no evidence of cancer. I know I should be ecstatic, but I am so depressed. I know this is selfish of me to feel this way, and I am super lucky to be alive, but I feel so ugly since chemo. My hair is growing back, but it's not the beautiful red it used to be. It's a horrible ashy blonde color and my skin looks aweful. I have gained weight, and I just ache all the time and feel terrible. I am only thirty six, but got asked the other day if I was the grandmother of my sisters kids. I just feel so lost and depressed. I feel like I am falling down a hole. 

txtrisha55

So sorry you have had to go

So sorry you have had to go thru this at such a young age.  I was 55 and now turning 61 this month.  Funny thing is that I had salt & pepper color hair when I lost mine.  People told me it will come back a different texture and color.  I said I hoped it came back red and curly.  It didn"t. Same old color but it has a curl to it.  I hate it. But it is a good thing cause I wear my hair short now. It is more salt than pepper now.  You are not now or ever been ugly. Your just different now.  This to shall past.  I firmly beleive this in my heart of hearts.  You will get thru this.   It takes time to get a handle on your new normal. Talk to your dr on your next,t visit and let them know what you are feeling. They can help.  Always come back here so you can vent, complain or share good news.  Keep us posted on how you are doing.  Some of the ladies here have gone thru this same feeling and they will be along and maybe they can help.  Pr a ying for you. Trish

NoTimeForCancer

mrsbaton, I felt like (what I

mrsbaton, I felt like (what I imagine) it feels like to be 80 years old for awhile.  As for hair?  It took a long time for me to get back what I had before and, from what all the other ladies had said, mine was longer than most.  YOU ARE ALLOWED TO COME HERE AND VENT ANYTIME.  Everyone here gets it.  As for someone asking if you were the grandmother?  Next time you tell them "No, I had uterine cancer and just finished chemo!"  (I just don't understand why people think they have a right to say the things they do!)

Hang in there dear.  You are among your sisters here.

Kvdyson

mrsbaton, there have been

mrsbaton, there have been many studies released recently that indicate depression is a very real side effect of cancer and its treatment. You should consider talking to a medical professional about what you are experiencing. It is not "all in your head." It is a real physiological imbalance in your body that can be treated. It is as real an issue as the cancer itself so please do not feel ashamed about seeking treatment for it. We want you to be able to get to a new normal where you can enjoy the fact that you have come so far. Please, please, take this seriously. You are not alone. You do not need to feel lost anymore.

janaes

mrsbaton,  I was mad about my

mrsbaton,  I was mad about my hair too when it came back.  I had brounhair with a touch of gray before chemo and after it was all grey.  I was so mad.  It took me a long time to take off my wig and I had to color my hair brown before I could do it. I was 44 and felt like I was at least 65 or older because of my hair and because of how I felt.  I hated and stil dont particularly like talking to older women about there health problems because it makes me feel old.  I will say though give yourself time to recover.  It takes time and thats okay.  Recovery isnt all it cracked up to be sometimes.  Its hard sometimes

Love, Janae

christine8822

Ashy look goes away

Please, do not despair.  You are not ugly, just recovering from the chemo. Take a picture of yourself once a month. You will be astonished in the improvement over the next year. The ashy hair and skin is not permanent. You will regain your normal skin and muscle tone the chemo robbed. Your hair may never be exactly the same but it will return to fairly normal in another 12 months. Go to counseling; you will need it still for about 6 more months. Walk outside 30 minutes every day to make yourself strong. This period is one of the hardest parts. Hang in there. You are beautiful.

Soup52

I understand your feelings so

I understand your feelings so well! It's been 1 year of finishing treatment and my hair is slowly growing back, but at a very awkward stage right now. I whine around about it a lot. Of course there is always someone who says you should be grateful you have hair!! It makes me want to punch them!! Vent away, we've all been through this. 

mwells1004

Soup52 said:

I understand your feelings so

I understand your feelings so well! It's been 1 year of finishing treatment and my hair is slowly growing back, but at a very awkward stage right now. I whine around about it a lot. Of course there is always someone who says you should be grateful you have hair!! It makes me want to punch them!! Vent away, we've all been through this. 

omg

I have to thank you for that comment, It made me collapse with laughter. I was at the wanting to punch someone stage today and I am so glad I am not the only one who gets there. 

 

survivingsu

Yes, I get that feeling too occasionally...

I turned 58 last month.  I had my cancer adventure when I was 50.  While my hair is back, it is thin compared to the thick hair I used to have.  I don't know if general aging, hereditary, or the cancer did that, but I definitely feel like I look older than I am.  I have scars, am still overweight, plus the other day a sweet young clerk told me about a senior discount.  Argh!  I work full time with people of various ages who all definitely look better than I do.  On a bad day I indulge with my personal feelings and regret on how fast time goes by, and take inventory of my various aches and pains.  But as others have noted, it definitely gets better.  I look back and know that while I may look like I've been through it, I definitely feel much better than I did at 50, and I continue to feel glad to be alive and kicking.  I figure I will be the gnarled old bonzai tree, but in its way, I matter because I am still here and can help and contribute. I think after having gone through what I did, it is easier for me to look at the big picture and focus on other things now...except when a sweet young thing tells me about senior discounts :0)

Wishing you the very,very best,

Susan

Nellasing

mrsbaton boy do I understand

I hope by sharing you can feel less alone and know that you are NOT ugly!!!  My hair is back- YAY and I said I wouldn't complain and I try not to- came in like individual springs- SO CURLY!!!  Everyone assures me it's cute- I don't look like myself and I feel like the miniture poodle our family had as a child.... lol  I also think it makes me look even more ROUND than I am as I too have suffered weight gain and I HATE IT- I have done everything to get it to come off and no bueno.  It did drive me to the naturopath and we discovered that my thyroid is low.  That and talking about how much I hate it others have shared that the chemo and steriods do a number on our metabolism and it can take a year to a year and a half for things to come back on line.  I am COVERED in scars- I had 2 on each knee to start with, then divinci added 4, my port added 2 and my recent heart procedure added 2 more!  I chose not to wear makeup until I find some that is NON TOXIC because our skin is our largest organ and takes in what we put on it.  So I get it!  I feel ugly sometimes and definitely not myself.   I also get depressed- deeply sometimes- but I have a therapist and supportive husband and friends and they help remind me that this will all pass and of my own new motto JUST ONE DAY AT A TIME- it's all we are asked to live and all each of us really has- no one guarantees us tomorrow right?!  Once I get myself back to that one thought it helps to calm whatever is going on- I get THANKFUL for the blessings surrounding me and cherish these precious 24 hours that I have.  The rest is just battle scars that prove I've LIVED and survived much.  Much love to all you BEAUTIFUL WOMEN who have come through it and are living your lives.   (((HUGS)))

Rebecca75

MRSBaton

I had a nice auburn hair before, it it came back grey and curly.  Ugh.  I get it "treated" now, so I sort of forget.  I suggest you maybe might want to do the same.  My sort of washes out after a while, so there is no ugly line of demarcation between one color and the other.

 

As far as feeling ugly, why not treat yourself to a manicure or pedicure and some champagne and just love yourself.  I felt so ugly too -- my eybrows never fully grew in nor did my eyelashes.  I have scars and a big scar where my port was.  The steroids raised my sugar levels.  I had balance issues and had to go to physical therapy because of the chemo.  I know tha feeling.  I like the advice of one day at a time.  Be good to yourself.  Congratulations for beating this disease.  And you are not selfish for wanting to have your hair back.  Be kind to yourself -- write lists and do the things on them.  

daylady

Hang in there...and don't forget to laugh!

I was blonde my whole life, and when my hair came back in, it was black and white and curly.  I looked like a cross between a poodle and a dalmatian!!  I have been going thru new proceedures in Germany this year, and while I have not lost my hair, it is thin and wiry and growsin a thousand different directions like some kind of crazy crowd scene.  It is now gray, slowly turning white, and I look a little like an aging terrier.  Sometimes, mostly when I'm tired, I get down in the mouth about it, and the fact that I look so different than I did 4 years ago that a lot of my friends don't recognize me on the street.  But I try to find the humor in whatever I can.   It does get better.  Every week you will feel a little more like your old self.  Be patient, you have been thru a lot.  Hang in there!  Hugs, Helen

jandom70

You have every right

you have every right to be down now and then but you will never be ugly!  My partner thru the trials and tribulations of this journey has been amazing and the only thing that made him loose it is when I refereed to myself as "Franken-Boob". Had bilateral mastectomy 7 years ago, multiple reconstruction surgeries and while I don't consider myself pretty on any day, my battle scars and now thin gray hair are badges of honor!  I have been thru the wars and am "still here to **** about it"!  Now I am at the beginning of tound 2!  Just found out I have MMT uterine cancer stage 3b and will start new chemo next week.  Your hair like your soul will heal. just give yourself time.  Like most women we forgive and make excuses for other people all the time, remember to be as kind to yourself!  

TeddyandBears_Mom

jandom70 said:

You have every right

you have every right to be down now and then but you will never be ugly!  My partner thru the trials and tribulations of this journey has been amazing and the only thing that made him loose it is when I refereed to myself as "Franken-Boob". Had bilateral mastectomy 7 years ago, multiple reconstruction surgeries and while I don't consider myself pretty on any day, my battle scars and now thin gray hair are badges of honor!  I have been thru the wars and am "still here to **** about it"!  Now I am at the beginning of tound 2!  Just found out I have MMT uterine cancer stage 3b and will start new chemo next week.  Your hair like your soul will heal. just give yourself time.  Like most women we forgive and make excuses for other people all the time, remember to be as kind to yourself!  

jandom70, Just wanted to

jandom70, Just wanted to welcome you to the board and say how sorry I am that you are now having to deal with another ugly disease. I'm glad you have a great attitude and will get through this just like you did the first time around. Please come back and let us know how you are doing. And, thanks for such a great post.

Love and Hugs,

Cindi

agarza1513

I too have felt the same way. I’m so grateful to be alive and here for my kids but when I look in the mirror I really don’t recognize the person staring back at me. I loved my hair! I wore it all sorts of ways. Straight, curly, up, down, braided you name it. I’ve never had my hair this short. Wtf do I do with this? It’s a really short pixie or just really short hair idk. Over the wkd I went with my husband to his company Christmas party like I go every year. I felt embarrassed, odd, and out of place. I don’t even want to be with my husband anymore. I’m pushing him away. I’ve told him to leave several times throughout my treatment. He said he loved me and wasn’t going anywhere. I’m sure eventually he will get tired and leave. I’ll stay alone. Who wants a women like me. How would I explain to another man that I lost my breast to cancer and I had reconstruction. My nipples are tattoos because I lost those too. Don’t want anyone to look at me and be grossed out. I hate the way I look naked. Sorry for the very long rant.

NoTimeForCancer

while this is an old post, it is always relevant.

agarza1513, I get it. While it takes time for your hair to grow out, it is tough going. Years after mine had grown back I finally shared with my hairdresser that I put my hood up and cried while driving home after early on when it was short and curly. When I asked other women I knew who had lost their hair "how long" it took them to grow it back I was thrilled when they said "1 year". FINALLY 5 years later it came back. Dang. It takes time.

Please be kind to yourself. I might suggest finding someone to talk to who will help you work through some of these things too. We are just warriors and survivors who want our sisters to thrive. Hugs dear one.