I'm the daughter in law going nuts as I witness denial and suffering

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Kittycat16
Kittycat16 Member Posts: 5
in Caregivers #1

I just posted about my 83 year old father in law in the esophageal forum. Wanted to cut and paste here but feel free to read here's the facts

he was diagnosed a year ago with esophageal cancer no one has ever mentioned type or stage

due to age and previous stroke surgery is out

one round of chemo radiation 

the entire year he is in a rehab and oncologist visits him

he has a feeding tube and isbedridden and is suffering from those darn secretions he's a little delusional 

family will not consider moving him

: insists he will not discuss dying: there fore palliative or hospice is NEVER discussed

ITS DRIVING me insane. to hear the suffering day in and day out while raising two small kids and fighting feeling so sad. Please please PLEASE help me- if it's to disengage okay I'm just so sad!!!!!

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  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #2
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    Who is the official caregiver?

    I know this is hard to watch.

  • Kittycat16
    Kittycat16 Member Posts: 5
    #3
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    Noellesmom said:

    Who is the official caregiver?

    I know this is hard to watch.

    His wife

    she wants the fight to continue he's always been very quiet passive if you will but to withness suffering and getting shot down on any comfort care as he's "going to get better" I'll be honest so hard to watch

  • Ladylacy
    Ladylacy Member Posts: 773 Member
    edited June 2017 #4
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    His Wife/Doctor

    Apparently no one is listening to what he wants and if all treatment has stopped then he is in final stages but to suffer is wrong.  There is pain medication to help with the pain.  His oncologist should be telling the family that.  It is hard for families to let go.  Been there and it is very hard but we did what my husband wanted and that was no more.  Said he had suffered enough and it was his choice, not mine.  Yes I wanted him to continue but I wasn't the one with cancer, only the caregiver.  And it was very hard to watch and be caregiver.  But it was his path not mine, our sons or grown grandchildren.

    Hard to believe your husband doesn't speak up or else he is in denial, which happens and the same goes for the wife.  Denial is very strong in families with a patient suffering, thinking they will get better and regardless of age that doesn't always happen.

    Why does the oncologist come to check him if he isn't receiving any chemo?  I know my husband was told that the chemo might prolong his life but on the other hand could hasten it.  Once my husband said no more, he didn't see the oncologist only our family doctor when needed.

    Wishing you peace and comfort

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #5
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    Yes

    I was wondering the same thing. Oncologists, or any other doctors, rarely visit homes or facilities.  Are you in the United States?

  • Kittycat16
    Kittycat16 Member Posts: 5
    edited July 2017 #6
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    Woke to husband about hospice steps and/or palliative care

    he turned gray got so sad he has slept all day and snappping at kids.  I get the hideous pain of realizing a parent is  very ill. But isn't that why the spouse (me) can make some of the hard decisions? But I'm totally shut down. My mother in law REFUSES to have him return home for hospice she just keeps repeating she wouldn't know what to do if he has a fall (he's been bedridden for a year) they private pay this re jab place to keep him there and the doc... I guess drops by ever so often but mostly its MIL asking for help and so grateful sometimes a med change takes a week or two to go through this weird set up. Buy you all know my heart is in the corner for dad. No one has to SAY hospice I guess and still get relief ... my husband did not know if they could even help in this re hab place. She refuses to move him as she wants to drive every day even though SHE is wearing down help!!! I get upset writing about it!!!!

  • Ladylacy
    Ladylacy Member Posts: 773 Member
    edited July 2017 #7
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    Hospice

    It would probably be cheaper for in-home hospice then where he is now.  Hospice is fully covered by Medicare that means all medicine that deals with what he is on hospice for and the nutrition for his feeding tube, all supplies  and a nurse comes in once or more depending on this condition to check him.  Having in-home help (which Medicare doesn't pay for except someone to bath him) would in all likelihood be cheaper than paying for where he is now since it is not covered by medicare.  If he is bedridden, a hospice bed is provided by Medicare and so is oxygen.  I know this because we didn't have to pay for anything when my husband was on hospice and he was on medicare.

    Several friends had to put their husbands in a nursing home and hospice came into the nursing home to check on them weekly if not more.  They had to pay for a nursing home or a personal care home but hospice was covered by Medicare.  One of my aunts was on in-home hospice care and they provided everything that was needed.  She was on it until she ended up in the hospital and then they were told she needed in-patient hospice and was moved but sadly she passed a day later from cancer.

    I know how hard it is for the family to accept this but he is not going to get better.  He needs comfort not pain, being around those that really care for him, but until his wife and children are able to accept this, it is not going to get easier.  Your husband and his siblings need to talk about this without the mother/wife and then try to convince her what is needed for your FIL.  Your husband should be grateful that you care enough about your FIL to want to help in anyway you can.  Like I have stated before I wished my DILs were that helpful to me and my husband.  

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