OMG - I'm at wits end

erfrette

My wife went through breast cancer 5 years ago.  Discovered while she was 32 and 12 weeks pregnant.  We are both nurses.  

My problem is, I can't be her caretaker.  I take care of people for a living, day in and day out.  I took care of her while she dealt with cancer and pregnancy.  I took care of our first born when she didn't have the patience to do so.  But, it's now five years later, and I still feel like I'm "taking care" of her.  Her depression, which is understandable, hasn't let up at all.  Our second child has come, and I have given up a career to stay at home with him because she is unable to do so.  She has been in remission for 4+ years, with only one scare since, which turned out to be nothing.  How do I move along and continue in this routine?  I'm tired of maintaining the house, managing the children, and making sure she's okay.  I know that depression has a lot to do with it, and she's being treated.  But I often wonder if it's just not enough.  

Any others have a problem moving forward?  

 

Thanks. 

JosephK

Let me put it in perspective

Let me put it in perspective for you. I just lost my partner of 16 years to Breast Cancer on May 12th, 2017. I will never get a chance to take care of her again. She is gone. You still have your wife and you have many years still with her. I realize she is going through a tough time now but be thankful she is still alive and with you. Plus you have 2 children together as well. You will look back at this when you are older and be thankful you had these times. It may be overwhelming now but take a step back, breath, and then realize what you have. You are fortunate than many others. Many of us have lost and still wish we had our loved ones here with us. Cherish what you have.

soonermom

Get Help

It is hard.  I cannot encourage you enough to get help for yourself and/or family through therapy.  Sadly, cancer can kill families too.  Don't let it get to yours!  It is totally common to have an almost PTSD reaction to cancer in a family.  Find someone to get you all through.  Plus your children are living in this family dynamic.  Please don't give up but please consider reaching out.  Yes, many of us are struggling with moving on as are our partners.  And yes, I would love to have the five year mark to enjoy together.  But your family is not able to enjoy it either.  I promise things can be better but this is not uncommon in families with cancer histories.  Your treatment center or the American Cancer Society mightbe able to hook you up with some experienced resources.  Hang in there.  

 

Catholic

Everything you said is normal

Everything you said is normal.  I have been down this path and continue down this path.  It is frustrating and does push you to your wits end.  

I was an extremely career-minded person.  I got married and had this vision that my wife was going to raise whatever kids we had/have and I would chase career until my last breath.  My wife gave birth to our 3rd child and literally moved to the basement fulltime.  It took 2 1/2 years before she ever went to the clinic and eventually was diagnosed with cancer.  She was angry and depressed for years before she ever went to the clinic, she was enraged during chemo and hormone therapy and she is angry and quick-to-blow-up at anybody now.  Its not easy living with an angry person and I know what your going through. I try to look at the positive side which for me (and probably for you as well) is that Im great friends with my kids.  There has to be a positive for you in this and Im guessing/hoping that your kids very much look up to you and that you have a great relationship with them.

The comment by JosephK saying you will look back with a more positive view is not something I can relate with.  I live with a spouse who is always angry, very depressed and does nothing positive.  The only way to move forward for me is to live 2 lives.  I have one life/job which is enduring my wife's really false and multiple accusations against me and its not easy.  I have another life/job which is taking care of my kids and working to pay bills.  There is no "moving forward" at this stage; at least not that I can see or have experienced.  Its instead a balancing act.  And you need to take care of yourself in a big way.  It sounds like your youngest is now 4 1/2 and if that is the case, then the youngest can go to a 4K program in the fall and you can get back to career.  But also, you can take care of yourself.  Get a gym membership, work out, eat well, sleep more, anything to take care of yourself.

 

Pink Delphinium

Catholic said:

Everything you said is normal

Everything you said is normal.  I have been down this path and continue down this path.  It is frustrating and does push you to your wits end.  

I was an extremely career-minded person.  I got married and had this vision that my wife was going to raise whatever kids we had/have and I would chase career until my last breath.  My wife gave birth to our 3rd child and literally moved to the basement fulltime.  It took 2 1/2 years before she ever went to the clinic and eventually was diagnosed with cancer.  She was angry and depressed for years before she ever went to the clinic, she was enraged during chemo and hormone therapy and she is angry and quick-to-blow-up at anybody now.  Its not easy living with an angry person and I know what your going through. I try to look at the positive side which for me (and probably for you as well) is that Im great friends with my kids.  There has to be a positive for you in this and Im guessing/hoping that your kids very much look up to you and that you have a great relationship with them.

The comment by JosephK saying you will look back with a more positive view is not something I can relate with.  I live with a spouse who is always angry, very depressed and does nothing positive.  The only way to move forward for me is to live 2 lives.  I have one life/job which is enduring my wife's really false and multiple accusations against me and its not easy.  I have another life/job which is taking care of my kids and working to pay bills.  There is no "moving forward" at this stage; at least not that I can see or have experienced.  Its instead a balancing act.  And you need to take care of yourself in a big way.  It sounds like your youngest is now 4 1/2 and if that is the case, then the youngest can go to a 4K program in the fall and you can get back to career.  But also, you can take care of yourself.  Get a gym membership, work out, eat well, sleep more, anything to take care of yourself.

 

Wow...

I'm inspired to do a better job of staying positive as I care for my husband, after having read your comments.  We've been married 43 years.  He now has stage 4 melanoma and dealing with his emotional issues was not something I anticipated.  Thank you for expressing your experiences and may God help you and your family.

Option B

I think there's something very specific to your situation.

Hello, I'm very new here, and I am just starting this journey.  But my husband has been a depressive for most of the 27 years we've been married and I know the totality of caring for everything since your spouse has checked out, plus caring for them.  My husband was born with Spina Bifida so he's always been dealing with physical and emotional issues.  So I've had to learn to deal since he's never been a full partner in the physical acts it takes to run things.  

But if the birth of a child doesn't bring her joy, then with two babies, I'm guessing post-partum depression may be to blame?  You've probably thought of that and I'm not discounting what you are dealing with in any way!  I actually truly understand when a spouse has checked out.   Unfortunately, I haven't figured out the answer to the problem either.   Just know that getting them to deal with their own issues is only possible if they admit they have a problem.  And getting them to do that may require something drastic on your part.  Wakeup calls are hard.  Intervention with someone with cancer seems wrong, but I know you are killing yourself and your children will not get your best unless your spouse faces it.  God bless and prayers for you.