I have no one to talk to

GingerMay
GingerMay Member Posts: 134
in Emotional Support #1

I came here to post because I have no one to talk to.  My husband is so private about his cancer that I feel like I'm betraying him even by posting here, but I can't carry it alone.  

He didn't tell me exactly when his check up was, but I knew it was soon.  I know he needs space, so I didn't want to crowd him with too many questions or put off my own anxiety on him.  Anyway, he left the house then returned a couple hours later.  I went downstairs to meet him, and his eyes were puffy and red and I knew he had been crying.  

He said he had his check-up and they found more cancer that will have to be removed.  Likely surgery to remove the tumor (or tumors ... don't know) followed by chemotherapy.  I hugged him and told him I loved him.  I didn't get emotional or cry in front of him.  He was on the verge of crying as he told me.  I also told him I'm proud that he is keeping up with his check-ups and is doing everything right and that this is going to be OK.    

He kept apologizing to me.  That broke my heart.  He said he was sorry this was not the news he wanted to give me.  I told him it was all OK.  We've been through it before, and now we are more informed this time.   

Stephen has a sister who is an oncologist and her husband is also an oncologist however neither one of them have been any help, offered any medical insight, been able to give emotional support, or extended themselves to us in any way.   My parents get hysterical and overly emotional which also doesn't help.  My sister makes it all about her.  I can't take any of this drama.  I haven't said anyting to anyone yet because I don't want to deal with their reactions.     

So this roller coaster continues.  This monster is taking more from us.  Am I saying the right things to my husband?  What is the best you can do for a loved one going through this repeatedly?  What is the best you can do for yourself?  I work out, meditate, pray a lot, eat healthy but I still feel like I'm barely hanging on.  

  

Comments

  • JosephK
    JosephK Member Posts: 64
    #2
    Hello there, I'm sorta in the

    Hello there, I'm sorta in the same boat as you. My only difference is I just lost my loved one a little over a month ago to Breast Cancer. All I can tell you is to be there as much as you can for him. Tell him how much you love him. Look stuff up on the internet that could possibly help him i.e. Diet, Trials, comfort etc. If he is capable take him out to eat and a movie (date night) or go for a long walk or hike to help get his mind of of it. Most importantly LOVE HIM everyday more and more and let him know it too. Keep telling him even if he gets sick of it. Thats the best advice I can give you.

  • slzcaregiver
    slzcaregiver Member Posts: 12
    #3
    Support

    I'm so sorry you feel like you're going through this alone! If you haven't already, please try to gently stress to your husband that you married him in sickness and in health, and that you're here for him to be whatever he needs you to be, but he also needs to understand that you have stress about this as well. Ask if he'll allow you to start accompanying him to appointments. At some point, you might need to make decisions for him, so you need to know how he feels about the different options! Check with your husband's oncology office - many of them offer family support groups. You are not alone, GingerMay! My heart is with you. I kind of feel the same way with my situation. My father has advanced lung cancer, and we just made the decision to discontinue all treatment. He hasn't exactly endeared himself to anyone in his life, and I'm the only one who has been able to help him out with taking him to treatment appointments and the doctor's appointments. Since he's not "Man of the Year" material, I'm finding it difficult to express feelings of sadness to anyone. He wasn't the best father, but he is still my dad, and I kind of feel alone as well. Take care of yourself, GingerMay, and please look into those support groups. Sometimes strangers can be much more supportive than family, because they understand what you're going through.

  • slzcaregiver
    slzcaregiver Member Posts: 12
    #4
    JosephK said:

    Hello there, I'm sorta in the

    Hello there, I'm sorta in the same boat as you. My only difference is I just lost my loved one a little over a month ago to Breast Cancer. All I can tell you is to be there as much as you can for him. Tell him how much you love him. Look stuff up on the internet that could possibly help him i.e. Diet, Trials, comfort etc. If he is capable take him out to eat and a movie (date night) or go for a long walk or hike to help get his mind of of it. Most importantly LOVE HIM everyday more and more and let him know it too. Keep telling him even if he gets sick of it. Thats the best advice I can give you.

    Good Advice

    That's good advice, JosephK. And I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is with you.

  • GingerMay
    GingerMay Member Posts: 134
    #5
    Good input

    Thanks JosephK and slzcaregiver for reading and for the advice.  All good points.  All the best to you both as you move forward. 

  • JosephK
    JosephK Member Posts: 64
    #6
    Car-T Trial

    Try to get him into a  Car-T trial. There is hope with this type of Immunotherapy. Google it!!

  • anne_janevret
    anne_janevret Member Posts: 12
    #7
    The best thing to do now is

    The best thing to do now is just be by his side. It really is a challenge for anyone to be in a similar situation, and I'm sure that you of all people would be able to help your husband just by being there for him. I hope that positive things will come into your life. My prayers are with you.

  • sharon3357
    sharon3357 Member Posts: 1
    #8
    Hi GingerMay.  I think you

    Hi GingerMay.  I think you are doing the right thing.  I wish my husband was like you.  I don't get much empathy from him. I think your husband is very lucky to have someone who is there for him.  I hope that he has realized that by now.  I don't have anyone to talk to either.  I feel like I am doing this alone and am a burden to him.  I don't have family around me, they all live in different states.  But anyway, keep letting him know how much you love him and that you are there for him.  Eventually he will GET IT.   Smile 

  • GingerMay
    GingerMay Member Posts: 134
    #9
    sharon3357 said:

    Hi GingerMay.  I think you

    Hi GingerMay.  I think you are doing the right thing.  I wish my husband was like you.  I don't get much empathy from him. I think your husband is very lucky to have someone who is there for him.  I hope that he has realized that by now.  I don't have anyone to talk to either.  I feel like I am doing this alone and am a burden to him.  I don't have family around me, they all live in different states.  But anyway, keep letting him know how much you love him and that you are there for him.  Eventually he will GET IT.   Smile 

    You have us

    Thanks for your reply Sharon. I'm sorry for what you are going through.  You have all of us here to vent to at any time.  Also, the live chat on this site is quite a great place with lovely people who understand.  If you feel like it some evening maybe check it out.  Sending strength and light to you.           

  • jorola
    jorola Member Posts: 243 Member
    #10
    Ginger miss you in chat

    please come visit us again! Hugs beautiful!

  • GingerMay
    GingerMay Member Posts: 134
    #11
    jorola said:

    Ginger miss you in chat

    please come visit us again! Hugs beautiful!

    Chat

    Yes, I'll be there again soon.  I really miss it.  Been too tired, but new years resolution is to take better care of myself so that doesn't happen.  Wink       

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