My Best Friend Has Cancer

toomanycats

On Monday (3 days ago), my best friend in the entire world -- who is like my big brother, my protector, my confidante -- who I have spoken to daily for years now...found out he has Lymphoma. The same cancer that killed his aunt last year and is currently killing his father. 

I feel like a selfish idiot, because I am falling apart. Not in front of him, mind you; not to him. But to my family, friends, and therapist...at work...I have cried at my desk every day. I cannot stop crying. I feel like an awful friend, because my instant reaction hasn't been "he's going to beat this." It's been... "he's going to die." And it hits me constantly. I have been having horrible, intrusive, anguished thoughts... like... What will it feel like when I'm scared and want to text him, but then I remember he's gone? ...Will he be here when I have my second child? I have hundreds and hundreds of emails saved...of him reassuring me, of silly things too...What will it feel like when that's all that's left? That they exist is excruciating to me right now. 3 years ago, I was on my grandmother's home hospice team as she passed from cancer -- I leaned heavily on my friend at this time, told him really sad things about the experience -- now I wonder... is he thinking about those things? And, of course... I can't help but "see" in my mind's eye him going through that too. Visualizing him deteriorating... no longer being the big, warm guy I hug and get so much comfort from. I'm afraid of forgetting what his hugs feel like. On and on and on these thoughts go...

To be clear, I've shared none of this with him. To him, I have only offered support, hugs, love. I've told him he's not alone, asked him to please try not to push me away, because I'm here for him and want to be. But, it broke my heart when I told him I loved him and he said... "right now, I feel like I wish you didn't, because I don't want to worry about leaving you behind and the pain that will cause you..." to which I just said "I'm going to be ok. I've got my own support system. Don't worry about me."

I don't know what I'm looking for here... mostly, I feel like nobody gets it. And also, I just feel like a horrible person for being in so much personal pain when I'm not the one with cancer.

He doesn't even know the exact Lymphoma he has (just B-Cell is all he knows) or the stage. So much waiting for answers. He'd just gotten his dream job across the country; I don't know what this will mean for that now. I've not been asking questions about that... just offering support no matter what.

Another horrible thought? Part of me wants to run away... far away... to detach myself and save myself from the agony of losing him. But, I won't. Not ever. Never. I love him too much; I would never leave him alone in this. I'm just...so...freaking...sad. Struggling to function. (I'm on medication that's helping, but since this is reality...nothing can really take it entirely away.)

I guess that's all.

Noellesmom

You sound normal

Cancer sucks.  Period.

Give yourself some time to process the news and don't be so hard on yourself.  It us a scary thing.

Also, cancer is not an automatic death sentence any longer.  Your friend is younger than his aunt and dad, it may not be as advanced as theirs was when it was found.  

Breathe. Stay available for your friend but don't crowd him.

It will all be okay.

toomanycats

Noellesmom said:

You sound normal

Cancer sucks.  Period.

Give yourself some time to process the news and don't be so hard on yourself.  It us a scary thing.

Also, cancer is not an automatic death sentence any longer.  Your friend is younger than his aunt and dad, it may not be as advanced as theirs was when it was found.  

Breathe. Stay available for your friend but don't crowd him.

It will all be okay.

Thank you

I am definitely trying to not crowd him.

He did tell me that he skipped his blood tests last week (said he literally hid in bed instead). I'm just hoping he doesn't skip his PET scan this week. He's kind of in denial... I didn't say anything really about his skipping, but I did offer to take him to his surgical biopsy.

He's moving in a month...across the country. He told me Friday he still plans to move. I'm sad that I won't be there to help...to walk his dog, do chores, or whatever I can do. Am hoping to fly out there when I can. If he'll let me. I'm scared he is going to push me far far away. 

He's in the staging and typing process right now. Hopefully finding out exactly what he's dealing with will help all around.

Noellesmom

Agreed

Hard to make a plan when you don't have all the information.

People are sometimes stronger when there is no one around to lean on. May be his thought process.

It is hard wanting to help but being unsure how.