My Best Friend Has Cancer

toomanycats

On Monday (3 days ago), my best friend in the entire world -- who is like my big brother, my protector, my confidante -- who I have spoken to daily for years now...found out he has Lymphoma. The same cancer that killed his aunt last year and is currently killing his father. 

I feel like a selfish idiot, because I am falling apart. Not in front of him, mind you; not to him. But to my family, friends, and therapist...at work...I have cried at my desk every day. I cannot stop crying. I feel like an awful friend, because my instant reaction hasn't been "he's going to beat this." It's been... "he's going to die." And it hits me constantly. I have been having horrible, intrusive, anguished thoughts... like... What will it feel like when I'm scared and want to text him, but then I remember he's gone? ...Will he be here when I have my second child? I have hundreds and hundreds of emails saved...of him reassuring me, of silly things too...What will it feel like when that's all that's left? That they exist is excruciating to me right now. 3 years ago, I was on my grandmother's home hospice team as she passed from cancer -- I leaned heavily on my friend at this time, told him really sad things about the experience -- now I wonder... is he thinking about those things? And, of course... I can't help but "see" in my mind's eye him going through that too. Visualizing him deteriorating... no longer being the big, warm guy I hug and get so much comfort from. I'm afraid of forgetting what his hugs feel like. On and on and on these thoughts go...

To be clear, I've shared none of this with him. To him, I have only offered support, hugs, love. I've told him he's not alone, asked him to please try not to push me away, because I'm here for him and want to be. But, it broke my heart when I told him I loved him and he said... "right now, I feel like I wish you didn't, because I don't want to worry about leaving you behind and the pain that will cause you..." to which I just said "I'm going to be ok. I've got my own support system. Don't worry about me."

I don't know what I'm looking for here... mostly, I feel like nobody gets it. And also, I just feel like a horrible person for being in so much personal pain when I'm not the one with cancer.

He doesn't even know the exact Lymphoma he has (just B-Cell is all he knows) or the stage. So much waiting for answers. He'd just gotten his dream job across the country; I don't know what this will mean for that now. I've not been asking questions about that... just offering support no matter what.

Another horrible thought? Part of me wants to run away... far away... to detach myself and save myself from the agony of losing him. But, I won't. Not ever. Never. I love him too much; I would never leave him alone in this. I'm just...so...freaking...sad. Struggling to function. (I'm on medication that's helping, but since this is reality...nothing can really take it entirely away.)

I guess that's all.

JerzyGrrl

For starters...

Your best friend is not his aunt, his father, or your grandmother. Don't go picking out what you're going to wear at his service or bring to the potluck afterwards just yet. 

True, this is a shocker for him and for you, totally NOT what either of you were anticipating. Dealing with how you're reacting to the news is a good thing. When we go through stuff like this, a lot of times we react to other experiences we've had or heard about, not just to the current one. So - Maybe ask yourself, what's really presently going on? Not what might happen, but what is actually happening. On the cancer-specific forum I'm part of, one of the people often reminds us, "We're living with cancer, not dying from cancer." It's always a good idea to consider what being alive means. What are ways you can respond to that? Don't ignore your friend's cancer diagnosis, but at the same time try not to assume the worst, focus on what-ifs, or worry about 35 years from now (Iffy for any of us), just look at now. 

Taking care of yourself (eating healthy, exercising, sleeping, seeing your counselor) is wise, too, makes it easier to deal with what actually gets thrown your way. 

All the best. Keep us posted as you're able. 

toomanycats

JerzyGrrl said:

For starters...

Your best friend is not his aunt, his father, or your grandmother. Don't go picking out what you're going to wear at his service or bring to the potluck afterwards just yet. 

True, this is a shocker for him and for you, totally NOT what either of you were anticipating. Dealing with how you're reacting to the news is a good thing. When we go through stuff like this, a lot of times we react to other experiences we've had or heard about, not just to the current one. So - Maybe ask yourself, what's really presently going on? Not what might happen, but what is actually happening. On the cancer-specific forum I'm part of, one of the people often reminds us, "We're living with cancer, not dying from cancer." It's always a good idea to consider what being alive means. What are ways you can respond to that? Don't ignore your friend's cancer diagnosis, but at the same time try not to assume the worst, focus on what-ifs, or worry about 35 years from now (Iffy for any of us), just look at now. 

Taking care of yourself (eating healthy, exercising, sleeping, seeing your counselor) is wise, too, makes it easier to deal with what actually gets thrown your way. 

All the best. Keep us posted as you're able. 

Thank you...

Thank you for this, it's very helpful.

To be clear -- I have not said any of what I shared in my original post to my friend. I want to make that clear. I've said it here, and I've said it to my therapist, who helped me to understand that this is really just a form of self protection -- this reaction of going worst case and trying to "prepare" for it...as if you can. And reassured me that I'm not going to somehow magically "make the worst case scenario happen" just because it's flooding my mind.

What is presently going on? Staging process...and identifying exact type of lymphoma. My friend is in denial and skipped his blood test last week. I'm really hoping he goes to his PET scan this week, but I'm not asking or pushing. I did offer to drive him to and from his surgical biopsy. My friend is also moving across the country in a month, which is hard in and of itself -- I'm sad that I won't be able to be right there...to just do what I can...walk his dog, chores, etc. But I'm trying to focus on what I can do right now -- help him pack...and trying not to change who I am towards him or how I treat him just because he has cancer. I feel like that would be really annoying if people suddenly started acting entirely differently towards you. We've always been close; I've always sent him reminders throughout the week that I love him, asked how he is, sent him silly memes, etc., and I've always also shared what's going on in my life. So, I'm still doing that. Trying not to just be all about him when we talk, but still sharing what's up with me as well. As always.

I haven't been perfect. I've slipped up and let him see my pain over his diagnosis. But, as I said to him, I'm not going to lean on him to deal with HIS cancer. It's really...really hard, because I've leaned on him for everything... he's more than just my friend. He's like my big brother, my anchor, he's my person. 

Hopefully, getting through this staging and typing process will help all around -- knowing exactly what he's dealing with.

Martha_Boone

toomanycats said:

Thank you...

Thank you for this, it's very helpful.

To be clear -- I have not said any of what I shared in my original post to my friend. I want to make that clear. I've said it here, and I've said it to my therapist, who helped me to understand that this is really just a form of self protection -- this reaction of going worst case and trying to "prepare" for it...as if you can. And reassured me that I'm not going to somehow magically "make the worst case scenario happen" just because it's flooding my mind.

What is presently going on? Staging process...and identifying exact type of lymphoma. My friend is in denial and skipped his blood test last week. I'm really hoping he goes to his PET scan this week, but I'm not asking or pushing. I did offer to drive him to and from his surgical biopsy. My friend is also moving across the country in a month, which is hard in and of itself -- I'm sad that I won't be able to be right there...to just do what I can...walk his dog, chores, etc. But I'm trying to focus on what I can do right now -- help him pack...and trying not to change who I am towards him or how I treat him just because he has cancer. I feel like that would be really annoying if people suddenly started acting entirely differently towards you. We've always been close; I've always sent him reminders throughout the week that I love him, asked how he is, sent him silly memes, etc., and I've always also shared what's going on in my life. So, I'm still doing that. Trying not to just be all about him when we talk, but still sharing what's up with me as well. As always.

I haven't been perfect. I've slipped up and let him see my pain over his diagnosis. But, as I said to him, I'm not going to lean on him to deal with HIS cancer. It's really...really hard, because I've leaned on him for everything... he's more than just my friend. He's like my big brother, my anchor, he's my person. 

Hopefully, getting through this staging and typing process will help all around -- knowing exactly what he's dealing with.

I'd like to start by saying

I'd like to start by saying that I want to send nothing but love and good feelings to you and your best friend. I know how rought it can be and how challenging it is to wrap yoru mind around all the possibilities that could take shape. It seems like you are already on track, seeing as you have spoken to your therapist and are taking steps to make sure that your friend does not see the effect it is truly having on you. I feel like things will begin to get better once you have a definite idea of what he's dealing with, since that will allow you to properly plan around it. The most important thing you have to do is stay strong, if he's been your person for that long, it's time for you to be his person, be the shoulder that he needs. It's not going to be easy, but if he has you helping him, it will be a much easier ordeal for him.