When a guy won't take care of himself?

FinishingGrace

Grinder said:

Adult Autism

Just my opinion, but the behavior of your friend sounds typical of adult autism or possibly Asperger's Syndrome. His refusal to take responsibility for himself, his denial of his condition, his indulging in comfort food, etc. Let me ask you this question... do you feel like you have taken the role of his parent? Does he regard you as a parent? This usually goes undiagnosed because of our expectations of adult behavior from older persons. When they display juvenile or child-like behavior, we write it off as immature or antisocial behavior, when in fact the person is biologically fixated at a juvenile stage of maturity. Does he act and behave as a ten year old? A fifteen year old? etc.

One way to know for sure... was he indulgent and irresponsible before his cancer diagnosis, or is this behavior solely caused by the shock of the cancer diagnosis. Judging from the complete void of friends and family, I am betting he has always been this way, and his family misinterpreted his behavior as antisocial and irresponsible, when it may have been behavior consistent with autism. 

If it is autism or Asperger's, that needs to be considered in his cancer treatment by a professional familiar with adult autism. If he is eligible for Medicare, he can have a hospice worker visit to manage his meds. That would also relieve you of some of the liability VDG mentioned, of which I am also concerned about. Upon his demise you may be subjected to unfair implications since you are not a family member nor a professional health care worker. But don't let that sway you if you feel like you are his only contact with compassion. It takes a lot of character to do the right thing when someone doesn't show their appreciation for it, or even resents your compassionate involvement.

This is all my opinion and my experience with autism and its associated behaviors.

I really didn't know him all

I really didn't know him all that well before his illness. We spoke occasionally and he did odd jobs in our neighborhood like washing cars and taking care of yardwork. He did stuff like that for me occasionally.

He always struck me as an intelligent and articulate man who was simply down on his luck after a life threatening motorcycle accident. My elderly neighbor attended church with him and took him in when he and his daughter were going to be homeless. He was just starting to recover financially (had started a new business and was seeing some real success) when this cancer reared it's ugly head. 

FinishingGrace

bassoneman said:

Eatting the Fast food..part

I can only speak from my experince, And believe me I should not eat fast food.. But as I was doing radiation treatments ( not chemo) I was very fatigued..  My wife bless her heart knowing I was not feeling well always makes a nice meal for me..  However around the 25 treatment she went to Florida for 10 days on a vacation that was planned  with some of her friends. Well I am a grown man I can take care of myself and yup I can cook too. But.. I felt so crappy I didn't have the energy and I would wait until I was so hungry that I would head to the local pizza place and grab a slice ofpizza, a sub, or a quick burger.. Why? .. It was fast..   As mentioned I didn't have chemo but I have heard that really knocks the crap out of you.. I imagine food doesnt look too promissing specailly when you have to cook it.. I would most likey do the same thing he does..  (And I have 7 heart stents with carotid issues so my  PC is icing on the cake) So  a suggestion, is meals on wheels still around? I know the new administration was cutting some of the funding for that.. But that may solve the problem of him eating fast food. He is eating the fast food because he doesn't want to cook and mostlikely doesn't feel well enough or have the money to sit in a restaurant. And I think you mentioned he didn't have very much monetary resouces.. Fast food is cheap...  Also in our area we have a town nurse which can be a resource if there is one in your area or the council on aging may also help..  I would try that route before having him sectioned..  But that is me..

 

That makes a lot of sense. 

That makes a lot of sense. 

Meals on Wheels is still around but the service starts at 60. He is 59.

Grinder

Allelujah

It sounds like he may have turned the corner. Its like you rescued a drowning man, and now that he is in more shallow water you can let him get back to shore himself... hoping so anyway.

bassoneman

FinishingGrace said:

That makes a lot of sense. 

That makes a lot of sense. 

Meals on Wheels is still around but the service starts at 60. He is 59.

SSI Disability Benefits for Prostate Cancer

I don't know if he has gone this route.. But if he hasn't this may help.  If someone has metastasized prostate cancer they qualify automatically for disability benefits.. This is just for your info... Just passing it along... 

SSI Disability Benefits for Prostate Cancer

The following types of prostate cancer qualify automatically for disability benefits:

• Prostate cancer that progresses despite hormonal treatment. 
• Prostate cancer that recurs despite hormonal treatment. 
• Prostate cancer that has metastasized to other internal organs.

To qualify under the third option, you'll need a CT scan, MRI, or biopsy of the metastatic tumors. 

If your prostate cancer doesn't fall into one of the three categories above, but it significantly limits your ability to work a full-time job, you still may be able to get benefits. The SSA will give you a “residual functional capacity,” or RFC, to determine what you are still capable of doing. The RFC will include any limits you have on how long you can walk, stand, and sit, how much weight you can lift, and whether you need any accomodations like frequent rest or bathroom breaks. Prostate cancer patients who have the need to urinate frequently or have pain and stiffness in their hips and lower back should have these limitations in their RFC. 

If the SSA finds that, given your RFC limitations, age, education level, and job skills, there are no jobs you can do, you can be granted disability benefits via a “medical-vocational allowance.”

Old Salt

Congratulations

with the latest (May 9) development.

A good neighbor is better than a distant relative. In this case MUCH better!

hewhositsoncushions

Great news!

Great news!

Have a virtual beer on me

Getting him to realise that he can have control by taking ownership of his health and treatment rather than control by self harm would be a good next step.

VascodaGama

Wonderful news

Grace,

I am glad for knowing about the developments. There are two faces in a flipping coin and fortunately he chose to live. You doing it well in restricting the help you provide. Now there is a whole team around him. He just needs guidance and someone for counseling.
I admire your wish for being at his side in spite of the uphill such help could bring up to you. He surely is grateful for what you have done. Your past experiences in your family and your Christian believes has succeeded.

Congratulations.

VG

Swingshiftworker

FinishingGrace said:

Good news...

Last night when he mentioned the need for counseling I gave him back some paperwork regarding SSI. He hasn't filled it out for me to be able to help him with it so I was unable to talk to the SSI people. I gave it back to him and let him know he would have to handle it. Huge blessing in disguise! He got up this morning, got dressed, took his trash out AND made some calls to SSI and got things straightened out. He told me on the phone that he wasn't going to sit around and feel sorry for himself any longer and he was going to do what he could to improve his situation.  

It's easy to help someone with such an attitude. He sees the doctor and a counslor tomorrow and his social worker is meeting with him to get him signed up for food stamps. (Someone lit a fire under that social worker and I'm not saying it was me but it wasn't anyone else!)  

I'm not going to any of this and I'm certain he can handle it. 

Glad to hear it!

Glad to hear that your neighbor has taken a turn for the better.  Sounds like the hormone treatment may have had something to do with it but it was probably mainly a depressed mental state which caused the "funk" he was in that he has now "decided" to dispense with.

Hope things continue to improve for both him and you. 

Max Former Hodgkins Stage 3

FinishingGrace said:

Good news...

Last night when he mentioned the need for counseling I gave him back some paperwork regarding SSI. He hasn't filled it out for me to be able to help him with it so I was unable to talk to the SSI people. I gave it back to him and let him know he would have to handle it. Huge blessing in disguise! He got up this morning, got dressed, took his trash out AND made some calls to SSI and got things straightened out. He told me on the phone that he wasn't going to sit around and feel sorry for himself any longer and he was going to do what he could to improve his situation.  

It's easy to help someone with such an attitude. He sees the doctor and a counslor tomorrow and his social worker is meeting with him to get him signed up for food stamps. (Someone lit a fire under that social worker and I'm not saying it was me but it wasn't anyone else!)  

I'm not going to any of this and I'm certain he can handle it. 

Radical Change

Grace,

Like everyone else, I'm glad to learn of your friend's change in attitude.

But I would caution that a change of that magnatude is odd, and may well be either feigned or very short-lived. 

But it is excellent that others are now legally and ethically obliged to assist him now. 

I am not intending to speak as a killjoy here, but it is also worth understanding that many cases in both oncology and various forms of rehab are simply terminal and irreversable.  It is good that others are now in the loop, for I found Vasco's post near the top very reasonable, given what I have seen happen in hospice-situations in the past,

max

FinishingGrace

Max Former Hodgkins Stage 3 said:

Radical Change

Grace,

Like everyone else, I'm glad to learn of your friend's change in attitude.

But I would caution that a change of that magnatude is odd, and may well be either feigned or very short-lived. 

But it is excellent that others are now legally and ethically obliged to assist him now. 

I am not intending to speak as a killjoy here, but it is also worth understanding that many cases in both oncology and various forms of rehab are simply terminal and irreversable.  It is good that others are now in the loop, for I found Vasco's post near the top very reasonable, given what I have seen happen in hospice-situations in the past,

max

I understand...

I don't think you are a killjoy. He may revert but I'm hoping not. He went to all of his appointments alone today and arranged for his own transportation and gathered the needed paperwork for a visit to the Social Security office tomorrow.

And God help me, I took him to Walmart today (still trying to work out out that relates directly to meds or chemo). Someone gave him some money to pay his electric bill and a little extra. He got a couple of things he needed and I picked up two inexpensive things I needed. He insisted on paying for my stuff. He told me he wanted to and it was nothing compared to what I have done for him. He thanked me more than once. I'm not doing this for the thanks, but it is nice to be appreciated.

So cross your fingers for him or say a prayer that this will last and he can be productive and happy in whatever time God gives him. I'm optimistic.

FinishingGrace

VascodaGama said:

Wonderful news

Grace,

I am glad for knowing about the developments. There are two faces in a flipping coin and fortunately he chose to live. You doing it well in restricting the help you provide. Now there is a whole team around him. He just needs guidance and someone for counseling.
I admire your wish for being at his side in spite of the uphill such help could bring up to you. He surely is grateful for what you have done. Your past experiences in your family and your Christian believes has succeeded.

Congratulations.

VG

Thank you. I'm praying it

Thank you. I'm praying it will continue. His attitude change has transformed everything and I hope for his sake he can keep it up!

GeneRose1

Financial Help & Benefits for your Friend

Grace, I've been following these posts & just want to say that you've done a wonderful thing helping your neighbor. I was just approved for Social Security Disability & was able to submit everything online via the Social Security website. They have a compassionate allowance program that expedites approval for folks with advanced PCa. I submitted my test results (CT Scan, Whole Body Bone Scan, & Bone Biopsy) along with my treatment records and was approved in record time. Is your friend a Veteran by any chance? The VA has an excellent disability compensation program and many hospitals and local clinics staffed by very dedicated doctors, nurses, and specialists. They're also able to tap into some clinical trials that might extend your neighbors life and improve his Quality of Life. For the meals on wheels program, I believe he can get a waiver on his age because of his illness. His social worker just needs to make a phone call or two and work it out with the local providers of that service (county or city government). Hopefully you'll be able to keep him & his social worker energized and on this. The thing I've learned about cancer is that knowledge is power and these discussion boards and the internet are precisely the source of some of best information available. Good luck to you. You inspire us all.

FinishingGrace

GeneRose1 said:

Financial Help & Benefits for your Friend

Grace, I've been following these posts & just want to say that you've done a wonderful thing helping your neighbor. I was just approved for Social Security Disability & was able to submit everything online via the Social Security website. They have a compassionate allowance program that expedites approval for folks with advanced PCa. I submitted my test results (CT Scan, Whole Body Bone Scan, & Bone Biopsy) along with my treatment records and was approved in record time. Is your friend a Veteran by any chance? The VA has an excellent disability compensation program and many hospitals and local clinics staffed by very dedicated doctors, nurses, and specialists. They're also able to tap into some clinical trials that might extend your neighbors life and improve his Quality of Life. For the meals on wheels program, I believe he can get a waiver on his age because of his illness. His social worker just needs to make a phone call or two and work it out with the local providers of that service (county or city government). Hopefully you'll be able to keep him & his social worker energized and on this. The thing I've learned about cancer is that knowledge is power and these discussion boards and the internet are precisely the source of some of best information available. Good luck to you. You inspire us all.

Thanks Gene. I'm happy to

Thanks Gene. I'm happy to report that he also experience the expidited approval process for SSI. He was miscategorized but that has been fixed and will get his first check soon. He isn't a veteran but that is good info to know.

I haven't asked again about meals on wheels because I was told he had to be 60. I will ask again about it and see if there is an exception. 'Energizing' the social worker is a great way to put it cause this particular social worker needs a new set of batteries!  

hewhositsoncushions

FinishingGrace said:

Thanks Gene. I'm happy to

Thanks Gene. I'm happy to report that he also experience the expidited approval process for SSI. He was miscategorized but that has been fixed and will get his first check soon. He isn't a veteran but that is good info to know.

I haven't asked again about meals on wheels because I was told he had to be 60. I will ask again about it and see if there is an exception. 'Energizing' the social worker is a great way to put it cause this particular social worker needs a new set of batteries!  

Sounds like good progress. We

Sounds like good progress. We can only hope that more people in trouble get help from good people like you!

Grinder

Liability suggestion

I talked to my daughter in Law the social worker, and she suggested that at any time you feel your neighbor is failing to take meds or needs rides or becomes despondent from depression or whatever, that you should put in writing (like an email) a detailed log of his activity as written proof of his need for further professional help, and send it to his doctors and counselors and social workers. That way, if he fails again the ball is in their court. If they respond with resources to help him, that saves you from expense of time and money, and you can just participate in non-health care activities with him. If they do NOT respond with further resources to aid him, then you have reason to assist him because they failed to assist him and it covers a lot of your liability because you will have established that the professionals that should have assisted him failed to give the proper care for him.

It sounds like he may have turned the corner now, I think we all are hoping. But in case he has a relapse, you probably should protect yourself. The problem is that you are performing health care and mental health care for him that is reserved for professionals. By giving him that care, you are taking responsibility for his failure to respond to your attempts at his health care and mental health care. I know this sounds patently unfair, and it is, but in our litigious society, you are risking liability when you provide health care that is the purview of a professional. It is like coming on a car wreck, and seeing someone in serious condition, and saving his life, but if he is injured in some way by your attempt to save him, you can be sued since you are not a doctor. This has actually happened.

But as long as you have written proof that your neighbor required further assistance, and you notified the particular professional responsible, and they failed to respond, then you have limited your liability because the professional will then be responsible for any failure on your part to provide professional level care.

I hope I explained this as well as she did. Unfortunately, I am probably not representing her in the convincing detail she gave me... I am just trying to remember everything. Also I think she said he may be eligible for hospice care if he is a terminal patient, possibly through Medicare even though he is not 65. Still not sure I have the details right, but he could look into free hospice care from some government agency. Or his counselor should be able to say something about it, or just google it if they don't come through.

Good luck and God bless.

FinishingGrace

Thank you Grinder. Very

Thank you Grinder. Very helpful. I have considered keeping a journal of sorts but just haven't wanted to bother (to be perfectly honest). It is clearly needed and I will begin at once, keeping in mind your daughter's specific suggestions.