Losing a second Husband to Cancer

WonderWoman2017

It's crazy to think I will lose a second Husband to Cancer. Surviving a Spouse was hard enough, surviving the lose of two is inconceivable. I lost my first husband to Liver Cancer at 32, waited 14 long years to start dating again, and then married a High School friend just 4 short years ago. He was diagnosed with Bladder Cancer 1 1/2 years ago, had his bladder removed and it has now spread to his Liver and several other areas. How am I supposed to do this again? The first time I knew I had to keep going as my young children depended on me and I had to support them. How do I find the strength to keep moving forward this time? There is no Counselor or book that can give me advice on how to handle this, I feel so alone and so lost. 

JerzyGrrl

So sorry to hear

So sorry to hear you will go through this again. This time there are differences - Different kind of cancer, you are older, different personalities involved, different doctors and treatments... As your husband goes through "x," you'll remember your first husband going through "x" (or "similar-to-x") as well. Even if you did a thorough job of grieving the first time, you may find yourself re-grieving. Or this time you may find yourself NOT grieving the "right way" (Not that there is any sort of "right way to grieve) and have to deal with that, too.

You mention there's no counselor to help you prepare for this. That's true. You would have a better time trying to find a counselor who can walk through this with you. 

All the best, feel free to keep us posted - 

Jerzy

Noellesmom

Have seen others

In the same situation post here but can't remember their names.

I am sorry you are in this situation. I cannot imagine.

david54

Hi-I have lost two wives to

Hi-I have lost two wives to cancer, within 6 years, same house, same room . I won't sugarcoat it, it really stinks! I am sorry you too are experiencing this, again. I can't give any advice other than you are/will feel raw, angry, confused, sad, depressed, longing, perhaps survivors guilt (?) lonely, isolated at times. Big help I am right??  

I have had to ask myself this question, what if my two wives had faced their cancers without me? Would their suffering have been greater? I think so. Not meaning to sound arrogant, what I'm trying to convey is that your husbands for whatever reason, needed you to be there for them in their time of facing their mortalityl You are that person who was chosen to care and be there for them!

It comes with a price, it hurts! Where would they have been without you! You are their angel! The memories of your first husbands cancer are likely resurfacing due to your second husbands cancer, like re-reading an old script you never wanted to read again! 

I recommend seeing a counselor, try to get excercise, reach out to your friends, adult children, and pour it out here! You are in my prayers and thoughts, trust me, I won't say I know what you are going through, but its dang close!

And I agree-be prepared to grive differently with your second husband. You are older, there is some time between losing your spouses but our grief in my opinion is based on the dynamics of our relationships. My first marriage was for 32 years and I lost Esther in July 2010. My second marriage to Bonnie was for 4 years and I lost her November 22nd of 2016. I thought it (the grief) would be the same as the first time. I was wrong. My second marriage in all honesty was my "Soul Mate." I loved both of my wives very much, but Bonnie was my love, my angel.

If you care to, feel free to send me a private e-mail.

David

cheatinlil

David this sounds like poetry

David this sounds like poetry or music to my ears... what I'm trying to convey is that your husbands for whatever reason, needed you to be there for them in their time of facing their mortalityl You are that person who was chosen to care and be there for them!

I believe this is what keeps me going.  I was chosen to care for my husband during this time. Beautifully said.

loufurman1

Hello David, im too dealing with the same situation. My secondary wife I've loved more then the world itself. Wish this pain would ho away.

DLK18

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/309376/losing-a-second-husband-to-cancer

Lost at Sea

I did an internet search for people who have lost more than one spouse/significant other to cancer and discovered there is very little information on the internet about this, probably because it is an extremely rare occurrence. My search took me to this site reading posts from 2017 (six years ago) and 2021 (two years ago) from two men and one woman who experienced this unthinkable double loss and those who sympathized with them. But that's all I found. I then joined CSN so I could post about what I am personally experiencing now. Sixteen years ago, I lost my wife of 25 years to brain cancer and six weeks ago, I lost my significant other to lung cancer. I met her about 5 years after my wife passed. We never married but lived together for nearly 11 years. Both of these women were kind, generous and wonderful human beings who truly deserved to live much longer lives. I was devastated by my wife's death and fell into a deep depression for a couple years. I got some counseling, but it didn't help much. The passage of time seemed to be the only thing that did and eventually I "woke up" from the grieving process to rediscover the world around me and how much it had changed while I was "gone" - what I came to call the "Rip Van Winkle effect" of deep and profound grief.

So far, I seem to be handling my significant other's death a bit better, perhaps because I already know the territory so well, perhaps because her illness was more prolonged and perhaps because she did an amazing job of preparing me for the loss. But I'm also left wondering why the grief is not as bad as the first time and feeling some guilt about that. I'm in my early 70's now and it's difficult to imagine ever being in a loving romantic relationship again. However, living the rest of my life without a romantic relationship is equally difficult to imagine. I'm "lost at sea" floating somewhere between those difficult imaginary realms not knowing which shore, if either, I will eventually wash up on.

Given how rare this experience is, I wonder how those who posted about this years ago are doing now, also how others who haven't posted about it yet have coped with this kind of dual loss, what advice any of you may have, and what specific resources if any are available for the "lucky ones" like us who have been doubly-touched by the horrors of losing two close romantic loved ones to cancer. Look forward to hearing from you all.

Thanks,

David

DNR

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/309376/losing-a-second-husband-to-cancer

I too have loss 2 husbands to cancer.
My first husband of 35 years passed of lung cancer from asbestos and lead marine paints.
My second husband of 10 years passed of prostate cancer which had come back to his bladder and lungs, he was also my high school love.