When you feel unappreciated/taken for granted by a parent with cancer

Uncomfortable Member Posts: 1

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer last year.  I give up what would have been the start of a new career to move back to a state/city that I absolutely hate to be there for her. I have been there from the beginning of chemotherapy to surgery. I am an only child so it has been me doing it all. What bothers me the most is my mother's attitude that it's my duty to be there, that nothing I do is enough/right. That how I feel(tired/aching/overwhelmed) is insignificant because she's the one with cancer.  It has been my faith and the love of God on the inside which has kept me and is keeping me sane. Some days I feel like running away.


  • sherylcv13
    sherylcv13 Member Posts: 23
    Just {{{HUGS}}} and hang in

    Just {{{HUGS}}} and hang in there. 

  • terabee
    terabee Member Posts: 3
    edited May 2017 #3
    right along with ya

    I feel much the same way. My dad has been dealing with a rare form of cancer for 3+ years, and very recently went through his third major operation since the diagnosis, which ended with his having a colostomy. I am now in the process of giving up the life I was loving and leading in Seattle, to move back to Columbus, OH (a place I despise), become his full time caregiver (mom still works full time, is not the best at nurturing, and hates blood/guts/needles), and am also an only child. I'm in the midst of trying to be a normal 30-year-old, and it seems life just doesn't want to be too fair to our tiny family. It's been a lot of adjustment, lack of sleep, certain sign of clinical depression on both my dad's and my part, and it gets extremely overwhelming. So far, it's been very important for me to get 3-4 hours/day to myself even if it means going for a short drive, reading, eating out, just anything to get out of the house and away from a place that may cause various forms of resentment. However, I'm still here... awake since whenever till 5 a.m. trying to find answers to help my mom, dad, and myself. Best of luck to you, and hope we find some peace in all this!

  • Martha_Boone
    Martha_Boone Member Posts: 6
    I understand how you feel

    This is a common thing that many caregivers go through, especially those who feel like they have given up so much to ensure that their loved ones are being given the necessary care and attention. I will echo the words of Sheryl up above and say that it's tough but you should hang in there and I'm sending nothing but love your way. I have been on the receiving end of this before, but luckily for me I did not have to share the burden alone. I did realize though that having a calm conversation (not an acusatory one) with the person you are caring for goes a long way to mend the relationship and make the process more bearable.

  • JerzyGrrl
    JerzyGrrl Member Posts: 760 Member
    edited May 2017 #5
    A conversation...

    A conversation might help. Could you have it with the case manager (etc) from her medical group, explaining first (when you're making the appointment) that your mother feels nothing you're doing is right and that this makes caregiving even more difficult for you, to the point that you're seriously considering leaving her to fend for herself and getting a job as a greeter at Stuff-Mart (and you have the application)?

    With my mother, that was her usual attitude - nothing I ever did was good enough or right. Her physician managed to convince her that she would not be allowed to live at home if she was there alone, so - and I found this quite amazing - she was willing to put up me. Had the crabbiness continued, I would've arranged the meeting and explained that I was more than willing to leave so that she could find a caregiver who was up to her high standards.

    It's tough to care for someone who thinks they're doing you a favor by allowing you to care for them in spite of your substandard ways. Be sure to care for yourself. Even on a good day, dealing with pleasant people, caregiving is tough.

  • Harry Potter
    Harry Potter Member Posts: 1
    Being treated like ****.

    I understand completly. Nobody understands how difficult exhausting mentaly and physicaly unless thev'e been through it. Every situation is diffrent and i have to say my life really sucks. take care and god bless




  • joniwriter
    joniwriter Member Posts: 5
    Your health comes first

    Having been a caregiver for my mom and now my husband, I know what it feels like to feel unappreciated and taken for granted especially after giving up what you love in life to help care for a loved one.  Unless you have cancer you can not possibly understand the fear, pain and anger.  But that is still not an excuse to be abusive to someone who is caring for you.  It's important to talk about it, and to make room for yourself.  You need to find ways to get help, through a local community group or church, social worker, home care aide, friend, who ever can give you breaks to live life and do the things you enjoy.  You also need to consider how much of your life you are willing or able to give up before it negatively impacts your health and well-being.  I am completely exhausted -- mentally, physically and emotionally.  But I have started to carve out time in the day that is just for me because I was starting to have melt-downs and feel resentful and unappreciated.  I find that guided meditations, short walks, reading, calling friends, writing, and music helps.  Or if you can take an online course or do something that is just for you.  Thoughts and prayers are with you all.