Friends just don't understand.

GTHOJ08

My dad has stage 4 colon cancer and has been given 3-5 years left with my family and I if he keeps getting treatment.  I have confided in friends to help me cope but no one seems to know what to say which I get, however I feel so misunderstood.  Am I wrong to feel angry? Sad? Depress?  I don't want to be that one friend whi is always sad or moping around.  Friends have told me to just not think about my dad being sick and to be happy but it's so much easier said than done.  I just found out the news about my dad's situation on March 13th so this is all still new and I'm still trying to process this.  I told a friend she doesn't get it because it's not her dad, he is MY dad.. she just insisted I need to suck it up and try to make my dad happy... maybe I'm just being selfish and not open minded.  I say my friends don't understand me but maybe I don't understand them either.  i am only 26 and I'm the oldest out of my siblings so I'm trying my best to keep it together in front of them but I'm just a mess when I am alone.  

JerzyGrrl

You're not wrong...

G, you and your family have just been hit with a ton of bricks.  You still have a lot to process and are at the "in shock" stage of all of this.  You're not wrong to have a load of emotions -- and NONE of them have much to do with being chirpy or happy or sucking anything up.  Your friends most likely DON'T have much experience with a loved one (especially a parent) getting a diagnosis like this, which is a good thing for them. I'm sure they hate to see you sad. You will feel disconnected for a while -- heck, you and your family are having a hard time understanding all this, so it's no wonder your friends don't get it. 

As for your siblings, you all have to process this in your own ways.  However, shedding tears and admitting to being concerned / sad / scared -- AND promising to stick close with one another as a family -- is actually a healthy way for you to model to your sibs how to express feelings and handle crises. 

All the best during this difficult time, and do keep us posted --

Jerzy

MaryVig

I know how you feel

10 years ago, my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Baldder cancer. I live on the opposite coast from where she lived, but she was my best friend. Every two weeks I flew to her home to be of support for a 3 day weekend (I had to work). I felt the need to be there, to hold her hand, see her smile, and hear her voice. My friends just didn't get it. Some said, she's 81 and everone expects to lose a parent (or both). You need to live your life (god I heard that a lot). Her Dr's would not predict her remaining life, but my Internet search said she might have 6 months. Well she ultimately had 12Mos. She very much wanted to shield me and everyone around her from what she was experiencing. As I look back at that year, I wish I had been able to hear her fears, be her support - but that was not what she needed of me. i would ignore your friends as it's your dad. Either they get it or they don't. Seems if they don't support you, maybe they aren't the friends you need. My guess is they have not lost a parent or a close friend. Some just don't know what to say, because they see a future where they will be in your shoes - which is scary. For me, that's the way I learned compassion for death (you are learning it much earlier than I, as I was 50). I hope your father outlives the prediction, but one never knows what tomorrow will bring. While it's hard without supportive friends, I would focus on what you need of your father and what he needs of you. You won't get back this time. 10 years later, I know I did what I needed, and the unsupportive people turned out to not be the friends I needed or thought they were.

sherry123

My father was diagnosis with cancer, but another doctor turned down the cancer diagnose after 5 years of treatment, he's lucky hadn't take any radiatin treatment, but he got nerve damage from the medicine. Many people had tumors when they're born, as long as it won't bother you and won't progress. But technically, doctors can diagnose you as cancer, and give you harmful treatment. Because everybody are afraid to die or lose a relative, there're a lots of harmful over treatment.

Medication may give you temporily relief, you still depend on your own body to go back to balance itself, that's how wishes and spirit help cancer patient, it makes you sleep better, eat better, less stressful, your hormone imbalance and metabolisim imbalance will be resolved, that's the cause for many diseases. Please be aware of any long term treatment, it's possible the doctor just don't know what he's doing.

Unfortunately, I figure out this only after my father died, or he may still alive. Doctors are all independant and poorly monitored in North America, they can say a health person is dying as long as you entered hospital. A health person can die after a few radiation treatment, you see what happened to people bombed by nuclear in Japan, it's common sense.

There's a research, colon cancer affecting more and more young people right now. I guess it's some way because people site more besides computer for games, social medias. Maybe eat more vegitables, sit less can help your father. Cancer is a chronic disease, you have time to figure out what's the cause and and how to stop it. If you're too panic, your life will lose balance, that's how disease starts.

 

here4lfe

It is hard

My daughter was 25 when her mother died if colon cancer four years ago. The only one who feels how you feel is you. You cannot make others understand. This is a personal journey. You will go through the 5 stages of grief. My advice is to focus on your father, enjoy him now, don't get ahead of yourself (the prognosis may change with new treatments), and above all take care of yourself.

GTHOJ08

Right now I am filled with

Right now I am filled with anger compared to the day I posted this up, I find myself being so mad at everyone and I am lashing out at others when I don't mean to.  I find myself wanting to be alone and feeling like no one understands at all.. nothing seems to be going right.

SlowGardener

Anger and sadness and fear

I want to apologize in advance if this sounds a bit blunt.   I can empathize with your feelings of frustration, anger, sadness, loss.    I hope that my words make you feel less alone, if not better.   Sometimes grief has to be lived through --   and then one day you find yourself out the other side and stronger, but for now, it is grief and you hurt.  

I'm going through chemotherapy myself, and before that I dealt with disabilities and my family was not supportive.   I'm going through this alone.   I also lost a beloved grandmother to lung cancer some years back -- and I can remember the feelings of loss of my grandmother.   Anger and sadness are related to the fear of loss.    It is normal.     And some people will "get it" (usually people who have gone through a similar loss of some sort) and some people will not.  It is OK to feel anger.  It is OK to feel sad.   It is OK to feel helplessness.   It is OK to want to rage or scream when life is this hard.   You are human and these are the feelings that go with this part of life and loss.  

You might want to temporarily stay away from the friends that annoy you or aggravate your feelings of helplessness and anger and sadness.  You might want them later -- and they are not necessarily bad friends, just because they can't handle your going through this grief and shock and hurt.  Be polite but firm -- you need time to yourself to work out things.   Don't rely on them for personal advice or support -- they can't give it to you.   They also probably won't understand the anger, so best not to express it much in front of them -- some people will never understand until they themselves feel something similar -- and then sometimes they will  only understand it for themselves, and not for others. 

Some people are "fairweather friends" -- they can't help you weather a storm.  Maybe they are just too inexperienced, or maybe they will never be that strong and dependable.   It is good to know that you can't lean on these friends during times like this -- and it might be good to back away from them a bit and only return when you feel better.   They can't help you at this point in time.   OR, they possibly would like to help you, but they have been trained to speak in platitudes -- to say what they THINK is the correct thing -- but it doesn't address the reality of what you are going through.    Your fear of losing your father, and your pain at seeing him in pain, and all that this involves.  

The type of friend that can stand by you through the worst is a rare type of person.    Some of the people who are just at a loss for words may be strong enough.  Maybe you can call on them to do something when you need to get out of the house, or you could ask them to help with something when you are overwhelmed with trying to make more time with your father.

Also, remember this --  the time you spend with your father,  even if you can not exchange words or do something active,  is so precious.   Letting him know that you care, and think of him, is so important.  Just sitting with him, when you can, is precious.  In the future you will remember quiet moments you spent with him, and those memories will sustain and strengthen you all your life.   And your presence,  when you can make a little time while still carrying on with work or school or whatever you have to do in life -- will comfort him.  Don't stop living life -- don't stop being productive -- but now and then just sit with him and be there in the present, in the moment.    Your mileage may vary -- and if anything I say here feels wrong to you in your particular situation, follow your gut feelings.  But Know that you are not alone.