FAMILY IN DENIAL?

Bambiza

My husbands condition is really bad and not getting any better ( stage IV colon cancer). Nobody gave us time frame but I feel we don't have much time. He doesn't really eat or drink, I give him hydration at home. Today we found out he there's fluid somewhere below his lungs, near the largest tumor... I've lost family members and friends to cancer. Fluid isn't anythnig good...

His family is very religious and the really believe there is something out there that will cure my husband. They are talking about takim him to some clinic in Arizona ( we live in Connecticut). They want to send him there with his mother and make me stay home with our 6 years old daughter to keep her life as normal as possible. I don't want to do that. God forbid something happens on the plane, or there- how can I not be with him? Besides, he's so weak I really can't imagine draging him all the way there. A 15 mins trip to the hospital exhausts him.

I don't know how to talk to them. I don't want to be the bad one here, but I feel that I'm the only realistic person here. It kills me to see my husband like this, I don't know what I will do without him. Especially that I don't have family here in US. I don't want him to die. My heart is absolutely broken. But I also see what's going on, how his body suffers every day. He  struggles to have few bites of food. His family thinks that if I force him to eat he will get better.  He doesn't get treatment anymore. He's supposed to start a trial at Yale Smilow Cancer Center, but honstly, I'm not sure if he's not too sick for that. 

I don't know what to do, how to talk to his family and make them realize that now it's time to just be with him, make him smile as much as possible, love him. How to talk to him without making him think I gave up, that I don't believe... Thoughts?

Izabela

Noellesmom

Hospice

Please talk to your husband's doctor.

The main consideration is your husband's comfort and medical needs.

His family will eventually accept reality but don't worry about them right now. 

Ladylacy

Your Husband

What does your husband want?  That is the main question.  Also will his health insurance cover where his family wants to take him?  That is something that needs to be checked into. 

Don't let his family take over.  I agree with Noellesmom talk to his doctor and ask about hospice.  My husband was on hospice before he passed and they were great.  Never had a problem with the nurses that were sent to our home.  Your husband in all liklihood is too weak to make a trip anywhere, even by plane.  I know we wanted to go to our grandson's wedding which would have meant a 4-5 hour drive and I finally told the family that he was too weak for a trip, even though hospice said if he wanted to go, we should and they would provide hospice for us.  We didn't live near his remaining siblings and he kept wanting to go home one more time, again a 4-5 hour drive and I just felt he wasn't up to it.  I wanted him as long as I could have him and I didn't want to do anything that would hasten his time.  We knew his time was just about up. 

In all liklihood your husband will be too weak for a trial or any further treatment.  I know the only thing offered to my husband was more chemo and we were told up front that it would only prolong and possibly hasten the time he had left.  He decided for himself no further treatment and I and our sons didn't try and talk him out of it.  People couldn't understand that and some said things but the choice was his and his alone.  And regardless of whether your husband wants to go by plane to this other place for treatment, first off you definitely should be with him and you definitely need to make sure his health insurance will cover this new place.  You and your husband are the ones to be making choices not his family.  You are his legal representative, his wife, not his mother, father, sister, brother, etc. 

Ask your husband what he wants and have him explain it to his family.  Just remember to take care of yourself during this time because you are important too. 

Wishing you both peace and comfort.

rlr000dc

Bambiza

I agree with what the others are saying. Is there a cancer treatment center close? maybe you would qualify for? Cancer tmt of America is really good. If your husband wants it. The tumor is likely growing causing him pain best thing would be to let him sleep and try to enjoy every moment when he is alert. Sad for your daughter she may only remember daddy as being sick. Unless you can tell her stories together or beside him? I feel that death resembles chemo tmt. I could hear most things going on even though I couldnt respond. My heart is breaking for you all. I believe I would find an ad for someone needing work and look into getting help. Even a teenager on the weekend may be reasonable. You need a break. And from someone thats not trying to dictate to you.

Be checking on you

rlr