She passed away on friday

stevie58 Member Posts: 9

We took her to the ER on thursday as she was breathing harder than usual. She has been looped from the meds for a few weeks since her last hospital stay, inspite of my steadily reducing the doses. Tests and xrays were fine and they didn't see a reason to admit her. We brought her home and she died that night in her sleep.

I try to console myself that she died peacefully and is no longer suffering. My job as caregiver was 24/7 and very stressful but I adjusted and adapted and so it was just a routine. I would rather be stressed about her care than trying to deal with losing her. I can't stop crying. For 8 years she battled and suffered and I think some months ago she realized she was not going to win. I think her will left her. The day we took her to the ER, she told her friend she was done.

I am so angry with god. Our home feels so empty. I try to keep myself busy but very small things set me off. I want to run away but nowhere to go. She did not deserve this. She was truly a very special little lady loved by many. It stormed the day she died. Even the earth was saying it was somehow diminished. For 38 years I was married to an angel inside and out. It was so easy being her husband. Very little ever bothered her. And she was always there with open arms and full of love. Our kids are very well adjusted and starting families of their own. A testament to what a good mother she was.

I feel so empty, so exhausted and so numb.

Cancer sucks! And its only going to get worse and affect even more people.


  • jorola
    jorola Member Posts: 243 Member
    I am so sorry for your loss

    There are no words I can say that will provide you with comfort I know. I wish there were and that I could ease your pain. Hold the memories of her close and she will live in your heart.

    Peace and comfort to you,


  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    Prayers lifted

    I am so sorry for your loss. I know this is hard. That is as it must be. Loss is never easy.

    It is okay to be angry with God. He is big and can handle it. But know this is not of God: cancer is not of God.

    You will be in my prayers as you go through this very difficult time.

    And, yes, cancer sucks. Always has, always will. 


  • stevie58
    stevie58 Member Posts: 9
    Thanks for the kind words.

    I had to go to the funeral home to sign papers and get financially fleeced! My girls were here today getting started on all of her stuff. It all goes to them and they will be back in a few days to do more stuff. She collected a lot of stuff. We are going to have a service here at the house in a couple weeks. She will be here in her ern and everyone is making picture boards. I am going to keep the house open all day with no set time. Makes it easier for people. My girls are going to put some of her ashes in jewelry for all the women in the family.

     I have a lot family and friends but I still feel very alone. She will be placed in the wall at the national cemetary. I am a vet and so I will be one day joining her. Its close to home so I can go talk to her regularly.


  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    Difficult times

    I cannot imagine how hard this is.

    You will be in my prayers.

  • imyaya1952
    imyaya1952 Member Posts: 23 Member
    edited November 2016 #6
    So Very Sorry

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I know it was hard caring for her and now you are probably lost. Please remember her love for you and take care of yourself. May Gods love too lift you up.

  • GingerMay
    GingerMay Member Posts: 134
    edited November 2016 #7
    My thoughts and prayers to you

    So sorry for your loss.  I bet you were a great comfort to her.  

  • JerzyGrrl
    JerzyGrrl Member Posts: 760 Member
    So sorry...

    Stevie -- So sorry for your loss. Of course your house is going to feel empty -- all those years together, especially the intensity of caregiving towards the end.  After you have the service at the house, and everyone is assuming or working for things to be starting to get back to "normal," it very likely may be a hard spell. Have you got some good support people? Keep us posted. 

    Railing at God is good. It was a l-o-n-g while before God and I were completely back on speaking terms, and there still are definitely days.  I hope you can be good to yourself during this time. 

  • Cris_617
    Cris_617 Member Posts: 16
    I'm so sorry

    My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. May your many years of memories bring you comfort at this truly difficult time.