Only Child- Depressed Parent- Help

PiscesJNJ

Hi There,

My Dad died of brain cancer 4 years ago this month (we only had 2 months to speculate, 3 weeks to fully prepare). I thought things would get better by now, but my mom is still stuck and unable to hold down a job and her life. She doesn't view me (the only child) as a "positive" thing in her life. She says her cat is "the only positive thing" in her life. She wants to die. She sits in an empty house all day, day after day. She has tried support groups, widow meet-ups, therapy, books, etc. Nothing seems to work. She has been a manic depressive all of her life, and it's getting worse now that Dad is gone. She puts a lot of guilt and worry on me about her financial future and her mental state of being. I don't like to visit her often because she is really hard to hear about how horrible everything is in her life. I try to point out all of the positives and she just mocks me or brings up the amount of negative things that have happened to her these past 4 years.

I'll be 34 in a few months, I'm single, an only child, and I don't have a good support system myself. I am feeling exhausted from worry, but at the same time I am feeling confused as to how I can get my mom to become unstuck from her manic depression. Nothing seems to work. I just don't know what else to do.

Yesterday I gave her a link to a volunteer site. She is an extreme introvert and full of social anxiety (her entire life she has been this way). I can't afford to put her in a mental clinic, though I know she sometimes wishes she could just go to one or die. I am feeling stuck, unloved, and overwhelmed with worry. I know she acts selfish a lot of the times, but I still love her and want her to be happy.

Please help if you have any tips.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

PiscesJNJ

Noellesmom

First of all

While I commend your desire to help your mother have a good life, I promise you no one is responsible for another family's happiness.

 You don't mention when she saw her doctor last.

 Sounds like it might be time.

PiscesJNJ

I know this, but she doesn't

I know this, but she doesn't quite get it. When Dad was alive he did almost everything while she stayed home and read books, shopped online, etc. For the first 6 months of his death, I did a lot to help her; but, I knew I couldn't do it forever. Then I moved away almost 2 years ago (an hour away from Mom), so I don't see her as often anymore. She keeps saying she is sitting around waiting for something positive to happen, but I keep telling her she has to find something that makes her passionate in life. She says she doesn't have anything to live for.

I've been single for 8 years, I don't want kids. I know she loves little kids, so I suggested a volunteer site for her to go and see little kids.

She goes to her psychiatrist once every 2-3 months and he says regular therapy and book-reading isn't going to make it better because she is going through normal "grief". I don't know what else to do. I am her child (yes, I am "an adult and can take care of" myself now as she says), but my own parent shouldn't be talking to her adult kid that she wants to end it all. Even my grandmother talked to her last Christmas about it. It helped for a few months, but not indefinitely.

My mom is a manic depressive and I do not know how to handle her a lot of time- so I stay away. I feel awful about it, but she does sometimes put really bad guilt trips on me (because she still pays for my cell phone plan and my car insurance).

I feel alone and helpless. I feel so much anxiety and worry over her and her future, mine and my future, and if I will ever be able to find my own best friend for the long-run (or for however long time permits it).

Thanks for listening.

Noellesmom

As a mother

I can tell you I never want my children to feel responsible for my mental or physical health.

Manic depression, or bipolar disorder, is something my daughter struggles with. I continue to impress upon her that her medication is like air to her: she must have it to live.  It is the bottom line. She is in talk therapy, too.

Please understand this illness is a difficult one but your mom will have to be willing to get help and stay with it. She needs a different doctor if the current one can not help her move forward.

Live your life. Your mother's life is not yours. She will either move forward, stay where she is, or, a worse scenario may unfold. You can not control any of these things.

I will say a prayer for you, your mom and your grandmother. 

 

PiscesJNJ

Thank you! I appreciate your

Thank you! I appreciate your prayer and kind words. I want her to be happy, but I also want to achieve my dreams as well. I want her to find her happiness. Thank you, again!