Its hard

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janaes
janaes Member Posts: 799 Member

its my hard day today.  I had really been trying to move forward since my last chemo.  I feel bushed today.  I feel fear.  I dont even want to write.  I feel unlistened to and misunderstood.  Im trying to take things a day at a time right now but having a hard time.  I really was doing good i thought. Accually i was doing good the last few days.  Intalecually i know that my family isnt going to get how i feel, but i still struggle with this. At least last night and today i am.  I feel alone again.  My family, especially my sister was there for me when i found out i had cancer. I felt they new the seriousness of it. I didnt have to ask for things so much.( of course i did at times) I just felt loved. She was doing things for me.  She knew i needed help and she gave it to me.  Now when i call my sister she says things that just make it worse.  I told her yesterday that i have nuropathy in my hands and feet that is likely to be permanent and she was shocked. She thought i only had it in my feet all this time and she thought it was going to go away. I feel so angry because i know i was telling  every one all this stuff all along. I think its that they just didnt want to come to terms with what was really going on with me.  I realize this is hard for them too.  Im sure its hard to except all that goes along with cancer.  Thats what is scary. how can they help me if they wont except what is going on with me.  What my sister could do for me last night on the phone was tell me what to do which made me feel worse.  Its feeling pretty lonely today. 

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  • Lou Ann M
    Lou Ann M Member Posts: 996 Member
    edited October 2016 #2
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    Oh Janaes,  if you were

    Oh Janaes,  if you were closer I would come and give you a big hug.  So sorry that you are going through this.  I am pretty sure we all have days like this.  I know I do. I usually end up having a good cry and that washes away a lot of my fears and troubles.  Families are hard to deal with sometimes.  Remember that there is nothing wrong or embarrssing  asking your doctor for help. Antianxiety meds do help and most cancer centers have councilers that can help.

    Neuroapathy does get better over time for most.  I was afraid that mine would never go away, but it finally feels a little better and I am hopeful that maybe it will go away.  Gabapentin with Lorazapam help me a lot.  There are also several oils that help. And a Holistic drug store usually has several supplements that may help.  Several of the B vitamins also help.  It is miserable so I hoe you can get some relief from it.

    Hugs and prayers, Lou Ann

  • Editgrl
    Editgrl Member Posts: 903 Member
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    It will get better, Janae.

    It will get better, Janae.  Remember, your body really doesn't know that chemo is over.  Until you pass the date you would have gotten your next chemo, it figures it's just chemo business as usual.  Please be forgiving of yourself for how you feel.  It's all very normal, albeit unpleasant.

    Sometimes family members only hear what they want to hear.  They can be scared, too, so they don't want to think about all of the things that cross our minds all the time.  And they don't realize that what they are saying to us can make us feel worse.  

    You are not alone, Janae, we are here with you and we do understand.

    Chris

  • TeddyandBears_Mom
    TeddyandBears_Mom Member Posts: 1,814 Member
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    Janae, Your days will

    Janae, Your days will definitely get better. Just think, this is the last time you have to deal with the after effects of the chemo. You will get your life back and gain your independence again. Give yourself a little time. And, know that your family loves you and they are doing the best they can. No one can understand this if they haven't experienced it.  You may end up with a little neuropothy long term but most likely most will go away over time. I still have some in my feet and hands. My medical oncologist told me yesterday that it takes a good year to work through things. Even if I don't get any better than I am today, my life is pretty wonderful. My feet and hands work. They just tell me they don't appreciate the work sometimes!

    Listen to your body. Rest when you need to. Be kind and gentle to yourself.  You will look back on this very soon and marvel at how well you did.

    Sending you loads of LOVE and HUGS!

    Cindi

  • brissance
    brissance Member Posts: 192
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    House Clean

    Ahh my friend.  We bottle up so much and "accept" the pain and discomfort and just march on.  Sometime the pain is physical sometimes it is emotional.  We all know that our psyche is truly screwed up during this cancer junk.  It gets too heavy.  No one is at fault.  Our families are trying to support us but they just don't know what we are enduring.  Fear, concern, embarrassed cause we can't carry our own weight anymore...   For me I have a mish mash of raw nerves ready to flash.  I go off over stupid things and then feel "stupid" but so far family have allowed me to be a bit "weird"..  So dear, it is probably good to just do a bit of house cleaning on those emotions...  Just have a good cry and a pity party.  I write alot and put my fears and concerns on paper (I destroy them later... it would scare my family to death if the read them).  So find something where you can acknowledge the fears and then confront them.  It helps me and hopefully it will help you as we are now sisters from our final chemo. :)  Hang in there you have a large family out here that cares and understands your situation.  You are not alone.

     

  • janaes
    janaes Member Posts: 799 Member
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    Thank you my friends. I can

    Thank you my friends. I can count on you!!!!!.   I Love how you put it Chris.  Of course i feel like i am on the chemo cycle because i am.  This is ussually a very hard week for me. I will be honest, i have come a long way this week and have made lots of progress. I start brackytherapy on the day i would normally do chemo. Exsactly 3 weeks from my last chemo.  So i guess im struggling with the idea that this stuff is not over.  I have to call my work at the end of october and give them an update on how things are going with me.  I sceduled time off work aroung the 19th of august and the director told me they can hold my job for 3 months.  I am so axious to be ready for that.  I guess the day would be nov.19th or so i need to start back. When i was diagnosed with my cancer back in april i continued to work until just before my surgery on May 2nd.  I was so glad i did.  I remeber a co worker telling me if it were her she would quite. I didnt want to.  Well when i went back and tried to work for the new school year in august i ended up working three days and then decided to take the time off.  Im not sure where i am going with this but that is what i am stressed about.  My dad helped me finacially during chemo treatments, which iamgreatful for, and have since discovered that i will need to go to work.  Not only because i will loose my job after nov. 19th or so but i need to get back on track with my finaces. I feel a litttle bit of a loss because just before i was diagnoced i had two applications in my hand and was preparing to fill those out to get me a summer job.  Wanted to do that to get some sort of stability with a summer job so there was hope for the next summer.  So i feel my cancer delayed that oppertunity and am faced doing that step over again next summer.  I feel that is a bummer deal.  I will eventually come to tearms with that but i think it will take time.  Im afraid i will be working in november even though i am not going to be feeling that great.  I might have a week or two after rediation before i start back to work.  Not much recovery time. 

    I love you guys and love your support and confidence in my future.

    Cindi i had become a very indepenent women just before my diagnosis.  For years i wasnt that way and felt so blessed to be where i was.  I do want that back im glad you have confidence in that.

    You know Lou Ann i have noticed you hae been the first to respond to my cry for help the last few or more times.  I so appriciate that.

  • janaes
    janaes Member Posts: 799 Member
    edited October 2016 #7
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    brissance said:

    House Clean

    Ahh my friend.  We bottle up so much and "accept" the pain and discomfort and just march on.  Sometime the pain is physical sometimes it is emotional.  We all know that our psyche is truly screwed up during this cancer junk.  It gets too heavy.  No one is at fault.  Our families are trying to support us but they just don't know what we are enduring.  Fear, concern, embarrassed cause we can't carry our own weight anymore...   For me I have a mish mash of raw nerves ready to flash.  I go off over stupid things and then feel "stupid" but so far family have allowed me to be a bit "weird"..  So dear, it is probably good to just do a bit of house cleaning on those emotions...  Just have a good cry and a pity party.  I write alot and put my fears and concerns on paper (I destroy them later... it would scare my family to death if the read them).  So find something where you can acknowledge the fears and then confront them.  It helps me and hopefully it will help you as we are now sisters from our final chemo. :)  Hang in there you have a large family out here that cares and understands your situation.  You are not alone.

     

    Brissance I must have been

    Brissance I must have been typing the same time as you.  I love that i have some one to do this recovery stuff with.  I smiled when i red your post.  We definetly are sisters from our final chemo.  Good reminder.  If you were here at my house i would ask you to go for a walk with me.  What have you been doing the last couple of days?   Maybe you have been writing.  I have done that writing thing before.  It works it really does.  I would love to keep hearing your progress.   Thanks so much for doing this with me.

  • Diya
    Diya Member Posts: 93
    edited October 2016 #8
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    Dear janae, what you are

    Dear janae, what you are going through is the most difficult thing in life emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, relationship wise, and in every other aspects no matter how you look at it. Every part of your inner strength is being tested! I wish i could come and give you a hug. Reading your message i can feel the pain inside you. I wish i knew a way to change this for you and for everyone else going through this!!! One thing i will suggest is please do keep planning your future moves but do not think too much about how you will feel at the time. Please take only one day at a time in that respect. You dont know how your body will feel each day. Our plans are only a guide. Things change in a flash for better or worse which we cannot control. Just keep thinking positively and hope all your plans work out and you feel better each day. Sending you lots of love and cuddles.

  • Kvdyson
    Kvdyson Member Posts: 790 Member
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    You're right. It is hard to

    You're right. It is hard to go through all of this and not have those we love understand (or seem to even want to understand) what we're experiencing. What I have discovered is that no one truly understands it unless they experience it firsthand. That's why we are here in this group together. We understand and will support you in good times and bad times. Try to take care of yourself physically and emotionally so that you're ready for the transition back to work. Have you considered talking to your doctor about PT or some other sort of integrative service that might help you be ready when it's time?

  • janaes
    janaes Member Posts: 799 Member
    edited October 2016 #10
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    ya know im having a very good

    ya know im having a very good day today.  im back on track.  The great thing is is that im seeing my GP tomarrow about my back issues and that going to be a great step in the right derection.  Writing my stuff down yesterday helped alot.  love you guys

  • brissance
    brissance Member Posts: 192
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    Nice to Hear

    Yep, a step in the right direction..  and a journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step.  Janaes, you will have bad days just live through them, just like you did.  You are a warrior.