Not Fighting

munchkin1

munchkin1: my wife who had her breast cancer metastasized and now her doctor says she cant paint a rosey picture right now and judy is not helping by not fighting. what can i do as her husband and caregiver

 

tufi000

fighting?

I always hated when people said I was a fighter or I was strong. I believe what she needs is to feel she still has some control in her life. Not this awful desease, except in being pro-active when dealing with her options, but in non-medical areas so that she can see she still has a life beyond being a patient. Comfort first, a day without a crisis becomes a gift, and daily remembering what has been and is good about it.

Fatigue is a big problem for me, even now, so living each day to the fullest as they say, could need some new approaches. Our mantra...one day at a time...is very true and learning to live in the present and not allowing the scary scenarios overwhelm and stay off internet researching.  They all said I was going to die but it's been years past their due date.

I remain grateful every day and it is a new normal mind set that has to be cultivated.

I recommend the caregiver portions of this site. There is a discussion board for it too here.

Wishing you the best at a difficult time.

Sherry

camul

I agree with Sherry

It isn't about fighting or not fighting.  This is a disease I didn't choose, I have metastasized have outlived all the predictions.  My way of dealing with it has been goals.  I set a goal, when I reach it , I set another one.  It takes time and effort, and after bad news, which I have had a lot of it over the last 6 years, it can take longer.  I attend a support group, not every week, but when I need it, there is no mandatory attendance.

Sometimes we have to find where this disease fits in our own time not a doctors.  As a caregiver, I would try and continue to make her feel special, even if it is surprising her with a mani/pedi.  It is hard to change your whole life and your mindset.  Nothing is the same once diagnosed, and everyone has to reach their comfort zone in their own time.

If depression sets in it may take some meds to help get thru a rough period, I have done that and used it long enuf to get thru.  There is no going back to where you were, because you will never be there again and changing your mindset is hard.

I hate being told how strong I am. I  have not done anything other than being dealt a hand I didn't want and try to find a way to live with it without constantly wondering what was coming next.  I too got info from the internet, then quit reading and looking at what could happen.  Once I accepted that I have a disease that is not cureable, but treatable for what could be a chunk of time, I was able to move forward and live in the present.

Then I made a list of what I still can enjoy, even though I am so much more tired  and knew that if I did certain things I would be exhausted, was it worth i? Usually.  Another thing I addressed was friends dropping off, not that they were mean, their lives go on.  I also chose to be around positive people and I cut people out I don't have the time or energy to waste on negativity.  Just going for short walks everyday and enjoying the mountains. And beauty around me can lift me up, so maybe you have a lake or park or something that will pick her spirits up!

I wish you all the best, there is no quick fix,

Carol

 

tufi000

camul said:

I agree with Sherry

It isn't about fighting or not fighting.  This is a disease I didn't choose, I have metastasized have outlived all the predictions.  My way of dealing with it has been goals.  I set a goal, when I reach it , I set another one.  It takes time and effort, and after bad news, which I have had a lot of it over the last 6 years, it can take longer.  I attend a support group, not every week, but when I need it, there is no mandatory attendance.

Sometimes we have to find where this disease fits in our own time not a doctors.  As a caregiver, I would try and continue to make her feel special, even if it is surprising her with a mani/pedi.  It is hard to change your whole life and your mindset.  Nothing is the same once diagnosed, and everyone has to reach their comfort zone in their own time.

If depression sets in it may take some meds to help get thru a rough period, I have done that and used it long enuf to get thru.  There is no going back to where you were, because you will never be there again and changing your mindset is hard.

I hate being told how strong I am. I  have not done anything other than being dealt a hand I didn't want and try to find a way to live with it without constantly wondering what was coming next.  I too got info from the internet, then quit reading and looking at what could happen.  Once I accepted that I have a disease that is not cureable, but treatable for what could be a chunk of time, I was able to move forward and live in the present.

Then I made a list of what I still can enjoy, even though I am so much more tired  and knew that if I did certain things I would be exhausted, was it worth i? Usually.  Another thing I addressed was friends dropping off, not that they were mean, their lives go on.  I also chose to be around positive people and I cut people out I don't have the time or energy to waste on negativity.  Just going for short walks everyday and enjoying the mountains. And beauty around me can lift me up, so maybe you have a lake or park or something that will pick her spirits up!

I wish you all the best, there is no quick fix,

Carol

 

As usual Ninja

Everything you just said here is a great summary that should be posted in a more general area for all to see. This site should make it a banner on the homepage!!!   Really!!!!!

Always lovi' you Ninja and what you bring and give to this damaged world.

Sherry

disneyfan2008

Just be supportive.

Just be supportive.

 

MY husband told me one day *during all my health issues-to be more positive. I went through the roof.

 

I never complained , thought I was better off then others-and for him to say " be more positive" was not the thing I wanted to hear.

 

I used a diary-I thought it was goofy, but in hind-sight it did help. Perhaps she can vent, get it out on paper-would/could be helpful..

 

IT is great you are reaching out for advice...I am sure spouses are unsure how to handle things or react to things.

 

Denise

disneyfan2008

My life time friend died

My life time friend died after many year and reoccurrance of cancer-but she said once that she did NOT want "GOOD FIGHT" in her obit..

 

she hated it...

Mariangel43

Strong?

Munchkin1, I agree with the girls.  I have also being told that I am strong woman at 66 with cancer and multiple right foot fracture.  Even the PS told me so when he saw me moving with a rolling walker in the hospital bedroom.  I tell everyone that I do what I have to do, what I need to do, and thet the only brave thing about me is that I won't let pain conquer and imprison me. Yes, sometimes I marvel that I can overcome obstacles while being sick and I feel gorgeous and very empowered. To both of you, just be yourselves, be sad when you need to be, and happy when you feel to.  

Live one day at a time, and if she doesn't want to go thru a new or before-covered road, please, accept it.  Some persons in my life stand in terror when I say I don't want radiation or chemo.  A lot of reasons especially two, money and reading some horror stories that some survivors have added and that opens widely my eyes.  Not every PS, RO or RT team is competent or careful.  Besides, there is the moment when I stop and say to myself, "What I am just doing to myself? Am I doing for me or for others? Will I accomplish something against all odds?" I want to live but I need quality of life. So your wife.  Medical procedures for us cancer patients are so heinous, painful, mutilating, and expensive that we have to make difficult choices about our lives.  And we are tired, yes, tired. 

Give your wife a break, she may be disillisioned by the uneffectiveness of the tx, depressed and she'll recover from it.  She might ask herself why again if it was not effective?  I would have asked the same, I would feel devastated.  And if she keeps saying no, acceptance and struggling thru (not against her) is the best choice for you as a couple.  There are other options to consider before throwing the towel (surrendering to sickness and death).

The Lord helps you both and comfort you.

Maria

munchkin1

disneyfan2008 said:

Just be supportive.

Just be supportive.

 

MY husband told me one day *during all my health issues-to be more positive. I went through the roof.

 

I never complained , thought I was better off then others-and for him to say " be more positive" was not the thing I wanted to hear.

 

I used a diary-I thought it was goofy, but in hind-sight it did help. Perhaps she can vent, get it out on paper-would/could be helpful..

 

IT is great you are reaching out for advice...I am sure spouses are unsure how to handle things or react to things.

 

Denise

they have a writing club at

they have a writing club at the hospital, but she says she has had enough writing for her life---she was a high school teacher and guidance counselor.

i asked because she wrote a great article about one of her loves----gardening.